rokntoy
FUCKIN SLAYER!!!
- Joined
- Sep 2, 2006
- Location
- Elkin, N.C.
Hilarious
WE ALL NEED A GOOD LAUGH ON MONDAY!
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third
judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true
this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa
Fe
Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who
was
visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be
all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman
is
starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
WE ALL NEED A GOOD LAUGH ON MONDAY!
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third
judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true
this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa
Fe
Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who
was
visiting from Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be
all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced
from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman
is
starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
was funny as hell. 
