Economy sucks, need a laugh thread

Reid

Reid

Hasnt Seen Dirt in Years
Joined
Dec 30, 2005
Location
Winston Salem
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!


SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day, the officer said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I
ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to

write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'
 
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As an Australian Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'Australian Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car
 
After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her butt and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.
 
Teacher asks her class for a 12 letter word.
Little Johnny yells: masturbation!
Teacher says: That's a mouth full!
Little Johnny says: No you're thinking of a blow job
 
#1
What do you call a cow that masturbates....


beef stroganoff

#2

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

#3

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
 
a guy goes into a bank in ireland with a black mask over his face and goes to the teller and demands money, and a guy behind him comes up and rips off his black mask exposing his face so the robber immediately shoots him in the head, he looks at the teller and she's staring him in the eyes so he shoots her in the head as well. so then he looked around and everyone in the bank had their heads down not looking at the robber, and he asks "did anyone else see my face?"...a guy in the corner raises his hand and says "umm, i think my wife caught a glimpse."
 
2 condoms walk past a gay bar, one looks at the other and says "wanna go in and get shit-faced?"
 
What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?



“Don’t do anything til I get back.”





Whats the opposite of Christopher reeve............Christopher Walken.
 
I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF (aka "little person")!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"

And that's how the fight started.
 
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