Happy Thanksgiving

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top ten things said at thankgiving that sound dirty but aren't
10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 Lbs. fully inflated & it takes 15 men to hold her down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
 
Telltale signs that you over did it on thanks giving

You spilled more food on you than the local soup kitchen dispenses.

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of
the EZ-Boy.

Your after dinner moans are loud enough to signal Dr. Kevorkian.

The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 14' boat!

The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.

You get grass stains on your butt after a walk, but never
sat down.

Your "Big Elvis Super-Belt" won't even go around your waist.

You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning
jog Friday.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

You have 5 TV sets side-by-side to catch all the football games.

A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of
the 5000."

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering
wheel burn.

Your wife wears a life jacket at night in your water bed.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame
called twice.

You consider gluttony as your patriotic duty.

It looks like the left-overs are going last until Christmas.
 
You might be a red neck if
You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
 
Thanksgiving Weather

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and
humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a
knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift
across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots
on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the
beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and
taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the
refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be
expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup
late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as
the only wish left will be the bone.
 
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Then he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares."
~~~~~~~
 
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