JOTD

Tom@Hilltop_Machine

Tom@Hilltop_Machine

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 31, 2005
Location
Rural Retreat, VA
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have something to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
The cabbie says, "Sister, I’ve always had a fantasy about what it would be like to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, that's not all that unusual, but there are a couple of requirements that have to be met for me to be able help you out. First, you must be Catholic and you have to be single."
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m Catholic and I'm single!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” asks the nun, “why are you crying?”
The cabbie replies, “Forgive me sister, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm Jewish and I’m married too.”
The nun says, “Oh, that’s okay, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
 
Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.
The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.
However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down,crashing in the wooded wilderness.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Otis and Elmer
survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Otis asked, "Any idea where we are?"
Elmer replied,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
."I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.
So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know?
You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.
I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck...OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.
Oh Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.
There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:
ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know – I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
 
When my son was about waist high we went for a walk in a nearby field. We saw two dogs getting it on. Jr asked what are those dogs doing? I replied “ they are making puppies” he said “ okay”. A few weeks later mom and I were in bed getting a little frisky when Jr walked and asked what we were doing? I responded “your mom and I are trying to make you a baby brother”. Jr asked “ mom can you roll over I’d rather have a puppy ?”.
 
Little Johnny got caught masterbating by his father who warned him if he didn’t stop he would go blind. Several weeks later he got caught again. He father said “I thought I told if you didn’t stop you would go blind”. Little Johnny replied “ can I do it until I need glasses “ ?
 
An elderly lady with a dog called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would ring.

This goes to show you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
 
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
 
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday. She spends
$10,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she
stops at a news-stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the salesclerk "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm
actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman
replies, "Nope, I am 47!"
Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus
home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to
let me put my hands down your panties. Then, I can tell exactly how old
you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell,go ahead". The old man
slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After
several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands
slowly and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?" The old man
replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
 
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