- Joined
- Mar 19, 2005
- Location
- Raleigh
Words of wisdom to keep you alive in a world teeming with serial killers, aliens that aren’t interested in bringing peace to mankind, backwoods cannibals, and corpses that hunger for the flesh of the living:
1. If the sign says, “Last gas for sixty miles,” it’s time to buy gas.
2. Better still, turn around. Drive to the station where the sign says, “Next to last gas for seventy miles”.
3. Historic anniversaries divisible by five are overrated. If a tragedy occurred ten years ago at the house on Maple Street, mark your calendar to visit on the eleventh anniversary.
4. Have your own light source, with verified power source, on your person at all times.
5. If it sleeps an ancient slumber, don’t wake it up.
6. Don’t go into the cellar.
7. Don’t get into the shower.
8. Don’t climb up to the attic. Nothing good is ever kept in an attic.
9. If you have to climb up to the attic, don’t enter head first.
10. I don’t care how hungry you are: If you don't know who left the food there, don’t eat it.
11. Bullets cannot stop it.
12. Unless they’re made of silver. Good luck finding that in nine millimeter.
13. Unless bullets can stop it. In that case, aim for the head.
14. Large black dogs are nothing but trouble.
15. Charming, urbane, vaguely European men of wealth and education are nothing but trouble.
16. Pale beautiful women with wide eyes are nothing but trouble.
17. “Do not call up that which you cannot put down.”
18. If you hear a solitary bassoon playing but you’re not in a concert hall, stop what you’re doing immediately. Walk out of the building slowly, get into your car, drive to the 7/11 and buy a Slurpee. Nothing ever happens at 7/11.
19. When you meet a small, precocious child, beat it to death with a hammer. Just in case.
20. Rural vacations in mountain cabins are overrated. Miami is warm this time of year.
21. If science teaches us anything, it’s that there are Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
22. Old, dusty books are dusty for a reason. Who are you to open them up and disturb the dust?
23. It’s better to build a new house than to buy an old one. New construction keeps the economy strong.
24. But do a thorough title search on the land where you build the new house. Just in case.
25. “Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.”
26. Avoid cornfields and apple orchards at all costs. In fact, stick to towns that grow ground crops.
27. Cats are like mine canaries. If you’re feeling tense and a cat jumps out in front of you, suddenly, from somewhere it had no business being, vacate the area. Take the cat with you if you like it and don’t want to find it nailed to a tree.
28. Obey the inverse law of death and population density. If your likeliest potential adversary is alive, move to a densely populated city and acquire several roommates, preferably well-armed ones. If undeath is a problem, move to rural Wyoming. One good rifle and about thirty rounds will take care of any zombie that can possibly find you before it falls apart.
29. Anybody smiling inappropriately should be shot immediately.
30. If you are on an outing of any kind and find one of your group has been brutally killed and their body displayed before you had any awareness there was a danger, bear in mind that whatever was responsible has probably already found your vehicle. Start planning alternate means of departure now, don’t try the truck and the main road just because they LOOK okay.
31. Hitchhiking never ever ever ends well.
32. Never use a mirror for anything more esoteric than shaving or applying makeup.
33. If you are traveling and must stay in a strange place, if a Holiday Inn is not available, just sleep in the car.
34. If you hear a nursery song and you are not in an actual nursery, vacate the area immediately.
35. Contrary to government advice, make sure any doll you give your children is readily flammable.
1. If the sign says, “Last gas for sixty miles,” it’s time to buy gas.
2. Better still, turn around. Drive to the station where the sign says, “Next to last gas for seventy miles”.
3. Historic anniversaries divisible by five are overrated. If a tragedy occurred ten years ago at the house on Maple Street, mark your calendar to visit on the eleventh anniversary.
4. Have your own light source, with verified power source, on your person at all times.
5. If it sleeps an ancient slumber, don’t wake it up.
6. Don’t go into the cellar.
7. Don’t get into the shower.
8. Don’t climb up to the attic. Nothing good is ever kept in an attic.
9. If you have to climb up to the attic, don’t enter head first.
10. I don’t care how hungry you are: If you don't know who left the food there, don’t eat it.
11. Bullets cannot stop it.
12. Unless they’re made of silver. Good luck finding that in nine millimeter.
13. Unless bullets can stop it. In that case, aim for the head.
14. Large black dogs are nothing but trouble.
15. Charming, urbane, vaguely European men of wealth and education are nothing but trouble.
16. Pale beautiful women with wide eyes are nothing but trouble.
17. “Do not call up that which you cannot put down.”
18. If you hear a solitary bassoon playing but you’re not in a concert hall, stop what you’re doing immediately. Walk out of the building slowly, get into your car, drive to the 7/11 and buy a Slurpee. Nothing ever happens at 7/11.
19. When you meet a small, precocious child, beat it to death with a hammer. Just in case.
20. Rural vacations in mountain cabins are overrated. Miami is warm this time of year.
21. If science teaches us anything, it’s that there are Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
22. Old, dusty books are dusty for a reason. Who are you to open them up and disturb the dust?
23. It’s better to build a new house than to buy an old one. New construction keeps the economy strong.
24. But do a thorough title search on the land where you build the new house. Just in case.
25. “Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.”
26. Avoid cornfields and apple orchards at all costs. In fact, stick to towns that grow ground crops.
27. Cats are like mine canaries. If you’re feeling tense and a cat jumps out in front of you, suddenly, from somewhere it had no business being, vacate the area. Take the cat with you if you like it and don’t want to find it nailed to a tree.
28. Obey the inverse law of death and population density. If your likeliest potential adversary is alive, move to a densely populated city and acquire several roommates, preferably well-armed ones. If undeath is a problem, move to rural Wyoming. One good rifle and about thirty rounds will take care of any zombie that can possibly find you before it falls apart.
29. Anybody smiling inappropriately should be shot immediately.
30. If you are on an outing of any kind and find one of your group has been brutally killed and their body displayed before you had any awareness there was a danger, bear in mind that whatever was responsible has probably already found your vehicle. Start planning alternate means of departure now, don’t try the truck and the main road just because they LOOK okay.
31. Hitchhiking never ever ever ends well.
32. Never use a mirror for anything more esoteric than shaving or applying makeup.
33. If you are traveling and must stay in a strange place, if a Holiday Inn is not available, just sleep in the car.
34. If you hear a nursery song and you are not in an actual nursery, vacate the area immediately.
35. Contrary to government advice, make sure any doll you give your children is readily flammable.
lol