Testify!

[retroedaddy]

I got this in an e-mail and thought it was funny.Plus y'all might have similar stories to share.If it's a repost,sorry,it's hard to keep up with everything being posted here daily,I don't envy Shawn and the other Mods for their jobs.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better..



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day,

my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

The realized that Danny

had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks

and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[willness33]

I ROR'd.

 

[kaiser715]

Here's a true one:

I was at a client, been there all night restoring a server. Lunchtime came, and I hadn't had any sleep for food for a looong time. I go to get a refill, and a chick in the breakroom is heating something in the microwave. I comment on it smells good, and how I was starving. She offers "Well, do you want to eat my Hot Pocket?"

She turned red, left the room, and left the office for the rest of the day.

 

[Blaze]

When I was younger, my family was trying to get together to go to dinner. We were all by the front door waiting on my little brother, who was playing a video game. My mom kept telling him it was time to go and he kept yelling "just a sec!" After a few more times my mom screamed "there will be no more secs in this house!"

She immediately realized what she said and we all busted out laughing.

 

[ManglerYJ]

My wife is an Occupational Therapist and her best friend is one too. My wife's specialty is working with pediatric patients and her friend's is hand therapy. I remember once her friend was specifically looking to get a job which focused on her specialty by saying, "I'd really like a hand job", to which I replied, "Wouldn't we all."