Death,funerals and in fighting.

1-tonmudder

1-tonmudder

Doin my part to stir the pot.
Joined
Apr 17, 2005
Location
Greeneville TN
My wifes grandfather died on Fri.He was 92 lived three hours away and Tonya nor her brother were very close to him.From what I gather from some of the cousins in the past very few of them were close to him either.By all accounts hes always been a hateful ass old man.In the 33 years me and Tonya have been together Ive saw him less than a dozen times.Funeral is today but the in fighting has already begun.He had three sons and two daughters,one is my MIL.All but my MIL lived closed.The youngest son is getting the house and the MIL is all pissy about it.The house is not much more than a shot gun shack (nice enuf but small) and my MIL wouldnt move/live there if she had too.The youngest son remodeled it years ago at his expense and has always been the one to maintain it.IMO he should get it.Youngest son has locked eveybody out of the house for what ever reason,maybe to keep the dope head nephews out,or to keep things there until they can split it up,who knows.I know him pretty well and I dont think he's being malicious in doin it. MIL is super pissed about it.Viewing and funeral is today at four but MIL is not goin to the viewing.Just the service itself.There's more to it than what Im posting but this is what its really about.Bunch of petty bullshit to have hanging over a already shitty situation.

Just to note he wasnt wealthy,lived on a black lung check and SS.
 
Not a great situation, I just went through something similar with my grandmother. Fortunately her kids were actually brought together by failing health and the process is going smoothly.

I was surprised by how quickly people wanted to lay claim to her stuff, which is probably why the youngest son locked the doors. I don't fault him if he has a lot of financial and sweat equity in the place....but the people who feel entitled to said items will never understand.

Even though it is my family, I just keep my head down and my nose out of it. It wasn't my stuff, I don't feel entitled to it (nor do I need it). I suggest you take the same tact.....also, don't be surprised if it stirs up your wife a bit. Despite not being close, the loss can still play with your emotional state. Sorry for her loss.
 
Went through similar with my grandpa's side of the family. Always had big family get togethers at Thanksgiving and Christmas, everybody got along great. Then his never married, "rich" sister died of cancer, and all the other 6 or 7 brothers and sisters wanted their cut of the money. Except the money she did have all went to paying for medicines and cancer treatments for the last 5-10 years of her life, and the only thing she had left were a couple cars and 100 acres in the middle of nowhere in Camden, SC. Which was worth a whole lot less in the early 90s. She lived her last 5 years with my grandparents taking care of her in their house, and so she made my grandpa the executor of her estate, and by the time it was all done, the lawyers took all the money, and the money took all the love.
 
Saw this same thing with my Dad and his siblings when their dad passed. Watched brothers and sisters bid against property in the court house. Only people who get rich when lawyers are involved are the lawyers.
 
I haven't saw the fighting but good lord everyone suddenly becomes important or favorite or fill in the blank.
When I kick the bucket I will hopefully own nothing but the responsibility of my spirit.
Settled early and open. Your feelings get hurt I want to see them. If your blessed by it I want to see you enjoy that as well.
 
WARRIORWELDING said:
I haven't saw the fighting but good lord everyone suddenly becomes important or favorite or fill in the blank.
When I kick the bucket I will hopefully own nothing but the responsibility of my spirit.
Settled early and open. Your feelings get hurt I want to see them. If your blessed by it I want to see you enjoy that as well.
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What's left after my wife divorces me will be converted into old wore out equipment, and eventually sold for scrap value. My kids can split it and have a nice lunch at that little Scottish burger joint McDonalds and reminisce about the good times.
 
I like the idea of being tossed in a canoe full of gas cans and have everyone shoot flaming arrows at it. First one to hit it gets all my stuff
 
I lost another brother back in September. My only remaining brother is freaking out about issues that don’t even exist. He lives in south florida and doesn’t even understand what the rest of the family does for each other here. He has some serious control issues and feels like he always needs to be in charge of situations, always uptight. It’s sad and annoying as hell. He’s headed here today to “take care of some things”. My relaxed smart ass self is looking forward to this.:popcorn:
 
I've had similar conversations with my dad a million times. He has bought and sold land and timber for the last 50 or so years and ends up dealing with estate sales every so often. I like how my G-pa on his side done it, "if there is anything you want speak now, when I die everything gets sold and split 6 ways." My mom is one of 10 and my g-ma will was not this simple and basically all of them where mad or sad by the end and some still are. In the end the farm still got sold and split 10 ways didn't come down to much.

But all that being Said, aint it up to everyone to have a decent will and executor? I know things went alot smoother on my dads side than my mom's.
 
1-tonmudder said:
Youngest son has locked eveybody out of the house for what ever reason
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My father was the youngest of 14 (my God man, stay OFF her)

My father was born in 49 and went to Vietnam. One of 2 in his platoon to return. The guilt, coupled with what he saw while there drove him to crawl in a bottle, and that's where he stayed till he died. His father died when I was just small. And in his 50's he moved back in with his mother to take care of her.
There was a HUGE age gap between the 7 oldest and the 7 youngest, and the 7 oldest HATED the 7 youngest. From what my aunt said there was NEVER an event that all 14 attended..except my grandmothers funeral in 1996.
I was called the day OF the funeral in Elk Creek Va and given 3 hrs notice. I left work and headed up but got there late.
All the family except my aunt (next youngest to my father) and my father (because he couldn't be around people) were at the reading of the will. My aunt stayed behind for me.
I met my aunt at the funeral home, then we headed back to my aunts house. Where we later learned that at the reading of the will.

The farm, 200 acres, and all the equipment were left to the oldest child (who was in his late 60's at that point) as my long dead grandfather had told her were his wishes. This was the way it USE to be in that area...the oldest gets everything.
Upon hearing that the oldest called his son, who was sitting on the porch of the homeplace installing a padlock on all the doors and sealing the windows and standing guard.
A HUGE argument ensued. The oldest held his ground. NOTHING was leaving the homeplace. NOTHING!!!!
Not even a picture of my grandmother with an aunt or grandchild.
It got ugly. LOT'S of words. Lot's of swearing and name calling. By all the children but my father (who was now going to have to live with the ONE aunt that spoke to him whom I was with) and my ONE aunt.
As a result of my parents divorce when I was 2 I was never really close to that side of the family. And I'm glad. besides the one aunt I really hadn't spoken to anyone since my grandmother died.
The oldest is still alive and in his 90's. His son lives across from the homeplace and has maintained it since then. No one has EVER lived in it, and it's EXACTLY like it was in 1996.
 
When my great grandfather died, someone moved into his house before he was in the ground. Brother & sister of my grandfather started fighting & my grandfather forbid them from coming on to his property (not connected to great grandfather's assets/land) until they settled everything & to leave him the hell out of it - all he wanted to do was mourn the death of his father.
 
Had an uncle die a while ago, he liked me and my siblings more than his own daughter (long story there too). He left roughly 90% of everything he had to us and 10% to her. Needless to say, she got legal...none of us wanted the headache, and we tossed in the towel. I honestly don't understand it, I've never wanted or looked at someone else and thought I wanted what they had and certainly don't want to fight over it when they're dead. I'd sooner take the old single shot 12ga, my uncle gave me when I was 10, to the range with him one more time. If I don't have that kind of relationship with you, I don't give a damn what you do or don't give me.

Beyond that, even as young as my kids are, I tell them all the time it's "Dad's money, not their money"...they want it, or want to continue their lifestyle, they'll have to work for it, because I plan on blowing it all.
 
GONOVRIT said:
I lost another brother back in September. My only remaining brother is freaking out about issues that don’t even exist. He lives in south florida and doesn’t even understand what the rest of the family does for each other here. He has some serious control issues and feels like he always needs to be in charge of situations, always uptight. It’s sad and annoying as hell. He’s headed here today to “take care of some things”. My relaxed smart ass self is looking forward to this.:popcorn:
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First I did the sad face and then I started imagining the smart ass smiling responses and, well, I'm thinking good thoughts.
 
My mother had 3 brothers. One of them mustered out of the Army after WWII and took them money and invested it and lived at home with my grandmother. Never moved out, never married, just kept re-investing in the stock market. When my grandfather died in 1974, he took care of my grandmother's every need until he passed away in 1984. Left her a half million dollar stock portfolio. She had no idea what to do with it, so she asked my dad to manage it for her. She fell and broke her hip not long after and had to sell her house in Detroit and move into an assisted living facility. My dad found a VERY nice one that was near our house so we could visit often. It ran $3000 a month back in the mid 80's to early 90's. We made sure she had anything she wanted and always had money in her purse to get her hair done, or take someone out to dinner, etc. She passed away in 1994 (we had a trend in that side of the family - 2004 was bound to be a bad year for someone!). When she dies, she left her surviving 2 sons and one daughter (my mom) a half million dollar stock portfolio. During the last 10 years of her life, she had several attorneys change her will to leave equal shares to the surviving three and my dad as well. So instead of it being split 3 ways, it was split 4 - or really, 1/2 and two quarter shares. My dad had been managing her portfolio the same way he did his, very aggressive, but with a "floor" where he would sell off losing stocks, but most paid dividends which were most of what she lived on.

My uncles were PISSED. THey demanded to know why my mom and dad got half and they only got 1/4. My dad very calmly asked them what they would have done with Uncle Bob's money when he died. "Sell the shares and put it in the bank." To which he pulls out a calculator and does some quick math. At the rate she was spending money, just putting the cash in the bank, she would have been bankrupt a year and a half earlier. "Then what?" He asked him which they would have preferred, 33% of nothing, or 25% of $500,000. Stopped them dead in their tracks. They never spoke again.
 
Junkyard Dog said:
I've had similar conversations with my dad a million times. He has bought and sold land and timber for the last 50 or so years and ends up dealing with estate sales every so often. I like how my G-pa on his side done it, "if there is anything you want speak now, when I die everything gets sold and split 6 ways." My mom is one of 10 and my g-ma will was not this simple and basically all of them where mad or sad by the end and some still are. In the end the farm still got sold and split 10 ways didn't come down to much.

But all that being Said, aint it up to everyone to have a decent will and executor? I know things went alot smoother on my dads side than my mom's.
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My Parents and Mothers Parents had this same approach; Sell everything and split the money evenly amongst the children. Which is interesting, because she constantly complains about how her mother's family is passing down different pieces of land when they die, and she wants to have some of the "family land". I made a comment to her about how she wants to have something to pass down, yet she is planning for us to sell it all to strangers. She didnt get the irony.


Both of my Dad's parents are still living. 10 years ago, they sat down with the 4 sons and decided how everything would be divided up. Of course, they are stubborn and never updated that in the Will, or actually divided up the property (see cheapass). A few years later, they had to get the drain field replaced, and it now goes from one sons section to another sons section. My grandpa is in his 90s and has early undiagnosed dimentia, so noone will bring any of this conversation up again. The sons arent all that close to begin with, and i suspect there will be alot of anger between them in the coming years.

As someone above said, It's not by fight, and I am not going to worry about it. If I decide I want to hang on to something they have, before they are gone, I go right to them and will ask them if they want to sell it to me. I dont need to wait for an inheritance.
 
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This should be in the garage!

We have started having this conversation much more in our family lately now that my dad is getting older and my step mom passed away this year.

There are stories to share though, that I wouldn't want out with everybody else.
 
My mom's family didnt have a pot to piss in when they died, so other than dividing up a few trinkets from her nursing home room, there was nothing to argue about. My dad's side has some more assets. mostly farm land. When my granddad was diagnosed with brain cancer, he sat down all the boys, and they talked through everything. Who wanted which farms, made sure that everyone agreed they they felt they were getting a "fair" peice of the pie. Even wrote down which son got which guns, etc. My grandmother is still living, so nothing has actually transferred, but when that time comes, I expect things will go smoothly. Each son uses "their" farm as they please, so very little should change. I learned a lot from seeing this, and hopefully if i have anything to pass down to my 3 kids, i will attempt to go the same route and solidify a plan that they all buy into before its too late.,
 
Since it is still in the public group right now.

I would advise everybody to ensure that yearly they look at their will / all bank accounts. Make sure everything is up to date, there are no major changes etc.
My dad ran into an issue where when his wife passed, one of her accounts still had her kids listed as the beneficiary instead of himself. The beneficiary on the account trumps everything as far as I understand.
If you have a lot of assets and property, etc it can get more confusing, get a trust, it will make everything a lot easier on your family in the long run if you get everything into a trust.

The better of a plan and the more time you put into it now, will make it the family fighting a lot less.

If you have kids and they are grown though, go out broke! I tell my dad this all the time, I don't want any money from you, spend it on yourself. Travel and enjoy life, you earned that money, use it. I hope when you pass that there is $1 left for everybody to split and nothing more. If you have younger kids, planning is a bit more import of course.
 
I only have very few material possessions and really, the only thing I can hope for is that my buggy will go to someone who keeps beating the shit out of it on the regular.
Scatter my ashes on the top of Mason Jar and poor some Apple Pie for me.
No family on this side of the pond makes it easy.

So many families get torn apart when this time comes. It's kinda sad.
 
Happened when my granddad died. He was married like 6-7 times and had kids from two different women. My grandmother and another woman. My mom and her sister, then my uncle and two aunts from another wife. He was married to the other lady longer and actually lived with them, while he pretty much abandoned my mom's side and only saw them MAYBE once a year. I think I only saw him maybe a dozen times in my life. I always liked the $20 at my birthday and Christmas though. He always told the 5 kids that he was splitting up his estate evenly. Well, when he died he left almost $600k. It was something like 30% to each of the other 3 and then 5% to my mom and her sister. I don't remember how much it was, but it paid for like most of one year of my sister's college tuition. A whole lot of resentment there, his will was kind of an asshole deal where he talked about how his other family was more important to him, etc.

A few years before he died my parents had borrowed some money from him to buy a new car. It was a true loan deal with interest and all. Well, when my dad took another job and they were moving and all, they asked him if they could have a few months to not pay so they could take care of all the moving expenses since we were moving to a new town and paying two mortgages and all. I think it was about a year they didn't pay him. Then once the house was sold they paid him off. Well, right before he died he calls them and tells them they owe back interest. He was a real winner. There's a reason I didn't even bother to go to his funeral.
 
Bebop said:
my buggy will go to someone who keeps beating the shit out of it on the regular.
Scatter my ashes on the top of Mason Jar and poor some Apple Pie for me.
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Go ahead and compose a will. Leave the buggy to me, and you have my word that's what'll happen :cool:
 
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