Inlaws going through separation.

It's really sad because they weren't always like this... Her Dad more so than her Mom but my wife has always had a really good relationship with her mom. Her and Dad's relationship has always been rocky, So I think her Mom not really reaching out is hurting her more than her Dad not really being there. Her brother just sort of blocks out everything and just doesn't deal with the drama, but he is also on the road a lot for work and just really doesn't have to deal with it, so it really falls on my wife to take care of things and she feels like she is there only outlet even though the reaching out is few and far between.
 
JSJJ388 said:
It was hard the first few months. Then we realized the peace and lack of drama without them. It does make it a lot easier that dad was incredibly abusive both physically and mentally. In my case, it's been 4 years and my dad hasn't so much as texted me. But he sure will run his mouth and pitch a sob story to his church buddies. When mom realized she was missing birthdays and that we were serious about cutting contact, she changed her ways and started putting in effort. Now that she's gone, I wouldn't say I regret it, but I do really hate that it had to be that way.
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I think my wife and I were hoping that they would realize what is happening, but guess they haven't and maybe they never will. I texted her Dad about 2 months ago and basically told him what they were putting their daughter through and how while her Mom was in rehab, he never went ONCE to visit her and how that fell on my wife if she needed anything and its just a whole mess. But even with me texting him and basically putting it out there, his responses were nothing but deflective.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I texted her Dad about 2 months ago and basically told him what they were putting their daughter through and how while her Mom was in rehab, he never went ONCE to visit her and how that fell on my wife if she needed anything and its just a whole mess. But even with me texting him and basically putting it out there, his responses were nothing but deflective.
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He sounds like a lazy sack of shit.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
And I wonder for all of you who have cut parents out of your lives for whatever reason, how do you deal with it? I am not in the same boat as my wife, so I know I don't fully understand what she is going through.
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By realizing that I was prioritizing my kids over my parents...and my kids always come first.
By choosing to be the parent I wish I would have had.

By breaking the fucking cycle.

But what does deal with it even mean? You make a choice, you live that choice and you move on.
 
Ron said:
By realizing that I was prioritizing my kids over my parents...and my kids always come first.
By choosing to be the parent I wish I would have had.

By breaking the fucking cycle.

But what does deal with it even mean? You make a choice, you live that choice and you move on.
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This. It's hard at times. It sucks at times. But you've got to put YOUR family (wife and kids) first.
 
But Cherokeekid88's wife is taking or accepting the brunt of this mess and is taking it personal. Women don't usually see things the same way guys do so I'm sure it's tearing her up. I would hope that y'all are pursuing some counseling for her to help her to understand that its not her responsibility to feel all of the pain for this mess that her POS parents are putting her through.
 
So its been sort of radio silence for about a month and some change... and then yesterday...

Wife gets a random text from her mom saying that its getting bad over there... She ends up calling and catches them in the middle of an argument. come to find out, he has laid hands on her mom... She hit him back in defense. didn't call the cops. he's getting scammed out of THOUSANDS of dollars from people who he claims are his "friends" paying some lady's car payment and paying for her son's room... I think he has officially lost his mind. Now that we know for sure its gotten physical, its taken this whole thing to a new level. Her mom is pretty defenseless, basically lives in a recliner in the living room, in home nurses are refusing to go to the house because of her Dad and/or someone is calling and refusing them. Strange people are coming into the house (her Dad's "friends") and she called the cops one night and they basically said that as long as her Dad says its ok for them to be there, there is nothing they can do. She didn't tell the cop about him hitting her because she did hit him back and doesn't want to have to go to court because she said "she can't" so now we are trying to get her in touch with some sort of resource that can help her because we have tried and she never follows through and sticks with anything... last time she was in rehab and it was going great but then insurances topped paying, so she had to leave and go back home and then that's when she just went right back into the same old situation. My wife's brother and his wife have wiped their hands clean, so this all falls on my wife and me. Really just looking for any resources that my mother in law can use to help get her out of the situation. Again, she is disabled and has next to nothing and he is hell bent on her not getting any of his money that he has worked for his whole life.
 
I’m going to be blunt. Don’t take this personally, but you (and your wife) need to hear and consider the facts objectively.

No, it does not fall on your or your wife’s shoulders to resolve. In fact, you cannot resolve it, even though you want to. Any attempts to further intercede will only result in stress and anguish for your family. Your BIL has rightly come to this conclusion and is protecting his family, as he should.

The End.
 
jeepin' jen said:
If you haven't already, make a referral to their county Adult & Aging Sevices (also referred to as Adult Protective Services). They're better equipped with training & resources.
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We saw this yesterday and gave her mom the info to reach out to them. whether she will or not will remain to be seen.

Andy J. said:
I’m going to be blunt. Don’t take this personally, but you (and your wife) need to hear and consider the facts objectively.

No, it does not fall on your or your wife’s shoulders to resolve. In fact, you cannot resolve it, even though you want to. Any attempts to further intercede will only result in stress and anguish for your family. Your BIL has rightly come to this conclusion and is protecting his family, as he should.

The End.
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I agree 100%. I think though with her mom being disabled and can't really fend for herself entirely, makes it a little more difficult. She can't just get up and leave, but I also agree that she has to want it as much as she says she does.
 
Andy J. said:
I’m going to be blunt. Don’t take this personally, but you (and your wife) need to hear and consider the facts objectively.

No, it does not fall on your or your wife’s shoulders to resolve. In fact, you cannot resolve it, even though you want to. Any attempts to further intercede will only result in stress and anguish for your family. Your BIL has rightly come to this conclusion and is protecting his family, as he should.

The End.
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Stated more directly to help OP maybe see the impact.
BIL is a better husband and father than you because he prioritizes his wife and kids over others.
 
Had a few minutes to type out a somewhat winded reply that may be a different perspective that you've considered.
I used to deal with a version of what OP is. Trying to do right by too many people. Always trying to make sure EVERYONE (maybe not literally, but you get it) is happy not only with the outcome but of MY response. People pleasing 101.
My counselor pointed out an intriguing observation. Especially here in the south and the Bible belt, people can be brought up thinking in order to truly help, you gotta suffer a little. Is it from one's own perception of Scripture growing up in (usually) Baptist church? Seeing a parent doing the same thing and then you replicate? It's a little deep sometimes. But many times you assume in order to be helpful, you gotta "go through it" too.
Wrong.
It'll seem selfish to decide against the status quo, whatever it is. To say "getting involved in XYZ at all is just going to bring stress and trauma to me." Because we may have been raised that the worse we have it, maybe a little closer to God we become? Makes ya think.
Codependency is real and will rob you of joy. Detachment will help regain that joy. Initially it feels selfish. We were told never, ever to be selfish. Remember? But what about when selfish is truly self care and healing?
Look, I build axles, shoot guns and drive cool stuff. But we all deal with this sort of thing on occasion. Realizing why and if that pattern is one we want to unlearn is a path to avoiding the trap of people pleasing.
In short. Take care of yourself, your wife and kids. That's your obligation.
 
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