JOTD

benmack1

benmack1

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2010
Location
USA
Tips For Northerner Moving South



** Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

** Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean that WE can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

** But if you DO run your car in a ditch (because you're a smart-ass who thought you COULD drive on snow & ice) don't panic. Four men in a cab of a 4 wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along directly. Don't try to help them and for God's sake, stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

** Don't buy food at the movie store. Your system can't handle it.

** There's nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent.

** Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. We don't understand YOU, either.

** Be prepared to hear, "You ain't from around here, are you?" a lot.

** The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big Ol'" as in "Big Ol' truck" or "Big Ol' boy". 85% of Northerners begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. 100% are in denial about it.

** The legal defense, "He needed killin'" is valid in the South.

** If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last spade of dirt is thrown on and the tent is tore down.

** If you hear one of those "Big Ol' Boys" exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are very likely the last words he will ever say.

** The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November, honey.

** If there's the prediction of the “slightest” chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery story. It doesn't matter if you need anything or not - it's just something you're supposed to do.

** Florida is NOT a Southern state. There's more damned Yankees there than true Southerners.

** You can ask us for directions, but unless you're pretty familiar with the positions of key rocks, trees, hills, and where Uncle Ned smashed his pick-em'up truck back in '79, you're probably better off trying to get there your-own-self.
 
** Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean that WE can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
TRUTH

** The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big Ol'" as in "Big Ol' truck" or "Big Ol' boy". 85% of Northerners begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. 100% are in denial about it.
I'LL AGREE, PART OF MY DAILY VERNACULAR.

** The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November, honey.
I HAVE NO WINTER WARDROBE DOWN HERE

** You can ask us for directions, but unless you're pretty familiar with the positions of key rocks, trees, hills, and where Uncle Ned smashed his pick-em'up truck back in '79, you're probably better off trying to get there your-own-self.
MY BROTHER ASKED FOR DIRECTIONS ONCE AND THE GUY TOLD HIM TO GO TWO "SIGHTS" AND THEN TURN LEFT. HE WAS LIKE, WTF IS A SIGHT AND THE GUY SAID "WELL, YOU GO AS FAR AS YOU CAN SEE AND THAT IS ONE SIGHT.

OutLander469 said:
I thought "Y'all" was the first expression to start using. That's the one I used.
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Nope, I think I after the first few times I said it it didn't feel right. 30 years and I still stick to yous, yous guys or just you guys. I try to avoid and of the "yous" but they sneak in time to time. My Southern wife is sure to point out that it is annoying.
 
Ron said:
It might have been faxed around
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Ahhhh, I can still hear the dialing and the sound of connection (just like good ole dial up internet) hear the page scan, then wait for the acknowledgement just read transmission failed and you have to start all over
 
Ron said:
It might have been faxed around
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BigClay said:
Ahhhh, I can still hear the dialing and the sound of connection (just like good ole dial up internet) hear the page scan, then wait for the acknowledgement just read transmission failed and you have to start all over
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What the hell is up with fax?!? Why is it still a thing? We still have companies that require faxing and we still have to keep up fax machines and fax lines. I really thought it would be a thing of the past by now....
 
I learned real quick after moving here that if the driving directions given include "Turn right at 'the church'", give it up, you will never figure out which church they are referring to.
 
NCJeeplover said:
What the hell is up with fax?!? Why is it still a thing? We still have companies that require faxing and we still have to keep up fax machines and fax lines. I really thought it would be a thing of the past by now....
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You should deal with DENR/DEQ...they still require paperwork to be signed in blue ink & sent via certified mail. Even if you email a scanned color copy, they require a hardcopy!
 
NCJeeplover said:
What the hell is up with fax?!? Why is it still a thing? We still have companies that require faxing and we still have to keep up fax machines and fax lines. I really thought it would be a thing of the past by now....
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My wife is a teacher for a special progeam under Mental Health for the county schools
They still fax their tiimesheets in.

Didn't get paid last period... bc nobody was around in the central office to receive the fax.
Facepalm
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those a$$holes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."
 
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A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and, a
lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.

Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now in Congress, probably in your district.
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Bill brings his best golf buddy Charlie home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 p.m., after golf.

His wife screams her head off while Charlie sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"


Bill says: "Well, Charlie is thinking about getting married."
 
Joke a buddy sent me, I hope you guys find it funny too.


Windows vs. Ford


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”


In response to Bill Gate's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7 The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


P.S. I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
 
Lurch830 said:
You should deal with DENR/DEQ...they still require paperwork to be signed in blue ink & sent via certified mail. Even if you email a scanned color copy, they require a hardcopy!
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My reports aren't required to be sent certified mail, but I have to send in the completed original forms, plus 2 more hard copies. It would make a lotore sense if I could just email it to them. But that would put half a dozen data entry clerks about of work and we can't be having that
 
benmack1 said:
** The legal defense, "He needed killin'" is valid in the South.
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I actually know a guy who got away with this.

benmack1 said:
** If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last spade of dirt is thrown on and the tent is tore down.
Click to expand...

This is why at out church, we feed the family while the dirt's flying.
 
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