JOTD

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The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, how about that, at last a golfer with real balls!!

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
 
Celebrities explain sex


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500”
Frank Sinatra


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson



"Clinton lied! A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman



- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. "
Joan Rivers



- Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Bob Hope

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
 
A Lesson on Becoming a Millionaire.

From Rags to Riches

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"

The shoe guy replies, “I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name?" asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members: "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story:

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe-shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
 
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
 
Lawyers should never ask a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
They must have been the lawyers from Harlan.
 
Home Schooling from my world.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up"

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
 
1. The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

2. When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

3. It’s weird being the same age as old people.

4. Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

5. If I am ever on life support, unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think… “That can’t be accurate?”

7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

10. You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

12. After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

13. Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

14. For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

15. I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know damn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

17. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly… next week… Turn Signals.
 
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