Kids... How far do you go?

Lmfao smart man^ I use manual labor also bc not only is it discipline to them these days, but it also builds character and a work ethic! I rarely have had to spank my nieces raising them or my woman's two boys now! I raise my voice and move towards them shit gets done! I've noticed they try to push to see what they can get by with but I was raised by the wooden paddle no belt or switches bs so I'm pretty hard core Some say!?? It's tough these days tho I have no kids of my own but raised 2 girls from 1-13 yrs old and working on 2 boys now and shits changed kids are privileged apparently I use to do chores bc they had to be done they do chores now to get spending money to buy games and shit... good luck I learned a lot of patients with my nieces it all takes time! Tough love is the best love tho, I appreciate every ass whooping I got from my Ma as a kid. Made me who I am today!
 
I've also broken cell phones, laptops, kindles, ds, gameboys, after the item has been taken 3 times! Teaching baseball too 3 strikes and ya out a toy.
 
First I never use labor as punishment. The subliminal message is hard work is bad and if you are good you avoid it.

Second, punishment always comes with an age appropriate explanation. I neveru ish when I'm passed, then they go into "survival" mode and say whatever they have to to appease dad. Cold and calculated words cut deeper.

Because I said so, may be the reason, but not frequently. If we have a rule there is a reason for it. If there isn't a reason there isn't a rule.

Then we just start making them explain themselves. I also level with my kids. I've been known to say, I know you are smart, your grades in school prove that. Why are you acting like a dumb ass. What life for you want as an adult? A dumb ass life or a successful one.

Final thought....one of my kids once snuck their iPhone back and played a game when it had been taken away. We had a family gathering get that day. My wife, my daughter and I watched my son take a hammer to his own iPhone. It was a powerful, albeit expensive for me, lesson to both kids.
 
Lecture.

A good long one with memories of my youth and uphill both ways in snow references

They BEG for a good old beating and throw their phones at me to get me to stop.

Oh, and throw in "disappointed"

The key is to walk away and let it sink in. My wife always begs me to go back up and smooth things over but I told her every time to be patient.

Never took more than an hour and they were down in out bedroom balling and apologizing. Didn't have to do that after about 12 or 13. After that they were all 3 great kids
 
I have a vast 3 months of parenting experience, but can say I've been exposed lots of different discipline methods and the results...even within my own family, and response varies by kid. My older sister was most responsive to grounding. I was most responsive to belt therapy and not being able to sit down for a couple days. My middle brother was most responsive to my folks expressing their disappointment. My youngest brother, take his things away. The youngest sister, a long stern talk. Not something I'm looking forward to figuring out with my own kid(s)...especially since I'm a then and there, beat the shit out of them kind of guy.
 
ckruzer said:
You take one thing away. Then two. Then three. Then all of it. Then you beat their butt until no more tears. Then what? Cage? Sweat shop?
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Just don't get too crazy, because then you're the crazy one! They will ether get it eventually or not. Keep preaching whats right and use a little bit of embarrassment in front of their peers (or threaten to with full intentions to do so) to get their attention.
None of it if certain and some of the dumb stuff you do makes a difference. Just keep trying...
 
I don't know, my kids are pretty good and are people pleasers so they pretty much get it on the first warning.

Although they are 7 and 10 so they aren't little teenage douchebags yet.
 
CasterTroy said:
Lecture.


Oh, and throw in "disappointed"
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with my little girl (7yr old), i might as well have sledge hammered her pinky toe than use the "d" word.

she strives to make me proud, and when i let her know she hasnt, it cuts deep.

luckily we havent had to do a lot of punishment, reasoning goes a long way with her right now. wonder how thats gonna work in her teens.
 
Reid said:
she strives to make me proud, and when i let her know she hasnt, it cuts deep.
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That's the way all 3 of mine are. The boy (the oldest, now 20) had to learn thru some ass whoopin's early in life. MAN was he stubborn.

"If I have to tell you twice, you get a spanking and your room"

But I can count on one hand the number of times I had to lay hand-to-ass. I think the memory of it sustained his behavior after 6 or 7. After that came reasoning.

Honestly I never remember having to EVER spank my girls. The wife popped their hands as toddlers if they were truly being a brat, but I could LOOK at them sternly and get a puffed up lower lip. The mere HINT of the "D" word with the girls was an automatic about-face in attitude.

I always reasoned with my children. Always told them that when I was administering discipline it was to make them a better person. Not because I just wanted to feel like some powerful overlord. You know..the whole "this hurts ME more than it hurts YOU" BS that MY mother tried to make me believe....difference was, I think she reveled in the opportunity to bust ass

Thankfully (or...maybe not so much...I dunno) they had some really dumbass friends and relatives that were total screw-ups in life. Made for good reference material:
You don't want to end up like Jay do you? 35, living with his mother, hooked on crack, no teeth, UGLY, dressing like some drug dealer in Compton, with no hopes of ever contributing to society.....DO YOU?
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Thank GOD they never said:
Hell yeah
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I'd be screwed then!
 
ckruzer said:
You take one thing away. Then two. Then three. Then all of it. Then you beat their butt until no more tears. Then what? Cage? Sweat shop?
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How old?

My son was a perfect baby from birth until 15 months. Something changed in his brain at 15 months old and he became absolutely awful. Life was miserable. I looked forward to going to work so I could have some peace and quiet. We tried every method we could, from taking toys away to spanking, to timeout, to ignoring him when he was acting badly. NOTHING worked. My son wanted to 'win' even if it meant losing if you know what I mean. He would NEVER back down, give in, or comply. If you took a toy away, he would lose his mind. Take another away, and he would lose it even further. Take another, and again further insanity. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts when his behavior did not change. Time out never worked because he would not 'stay' in the time out spot EVER. I could physically put him in timeout over and over and over and over again, and he would IMMEDIATELY attempt to leave the time out spot. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts. We would send/physically put him in his room, but he would pull on the door, kick the door, and try to come out. I would stand on the other side holding the door shut. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts too. We did not want to spank him, but tried that, and he didn't care and would continue with the bad behavior. My mother and my MIL were both shocked at how stubborn he was (each of them raised two children). Nothing really ever worked, but the method that came closest was to 100% COMPLETELY ignore him during bad behavior. He finally 'came out of it' at about age 5-5.5. I first thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel when he was about 3-3.5, but it was still a very long road of another 1.5-2 yrs of dealing with it. I refused to take him to the grocery store for about a year or more because he would lose his mind over wanting something he saw and would absolutely not stop crying and asking for it. MANY times I would have to take him to the car while my wife finished the grocery shopping. The two of us would sit in the car in complete silence until she came out with the groceries. He is now a VERY well behaved and well mannered little boy. He has made a complete transformation and I believe it is due to just normal brain development.
 
drkelly said:
How old?

My son was a perfect baby from birth until 15 months. Something changed in his brain at 15 months old and he became absolutely awful. Life was miserable. I looked forward to going to work so I could have some peace and quiet. We tried every method we could, from taking toys away to spanking, to timeout, to ignoring him when he was acting badly. NOTHING worked. My son wanted to 'win' even if it meant losing if you know what I mean. He would NEVER back down, give in, or comply. If you took a toy away, he would lose his mind. Take another away, and he would lose it even further. Take another, and again further insanity. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts when his behavior did not change. Time out never worked because he would not 'stay' in the time out spot EVER. I could physically put him in timeout over and over and over and over again, and he would IMMEDIATELY attempt to leave the time out spot. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts. We would send/physically put him in his room, but he would pull on the door, kick the door, and try to come out. I would stand on the other side holding the door shut. We gave up on that method after multiple attempts too. We did not want to spank him, but tried that, and he didn't care and would continue with the bad behavior. My mother and my MIL were both shocked at how stubborn he was (each of them raised two children). Nothing really ever worked, but the method that came closest was to 100% COMPLETELY ignore him during bad behavior. He finally 'came out of it' at about age 5-5.5. I first thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel when he was about 3-3.5, but it was still a very long road of another 1.5-2 yrs of dealing with it. I refused to take him to the grocery store for about a year or more because he would lose his mind over wanting something he saw and would absolutely not stop crying and asking for it. MANY times I would have to take him to the car while my wife finished the grocery shopping. The two of us would sit in the car in complete silence until she came out with the groceries. He is now a VERY well behaved and well mannered little boy. He has made a complete transformation and I believe it is due to just normal brain development.
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thankfully nothing on that level

a very awesome kid. 9 years old. zero structure at his mom's. when here for the summer we have that little time to instill good things. so two steps forward, one back. every summer gets better and better. this summer his biggest flaw is remembering to clean up after himself. did extremely good for the first two weeks. but as he got used to being able to actually "live life" here and do things and be treated like a "big boy", the joy has gone to his head it seems and he is so eager to go ride bikes with the neighbor kids (for example) he just darts out and leaves a mess. Cant even remember to shut the door. Just a constant trail as if he was 3. Like on an extreme ADD level

so timers were set with his favorite electronic. then taken away and given only at evening when we the adults do our chill time watching the boobtube. then that is taken away too. he is extremely sensitive. getting in "trouble" is almost all it takes because he hates making mistakes and messing up. the main issue here is HUGE memory problem. (something I had as a kid, generational curses? my parents handled it poorly). he is like a squirrel and cant get him to be aware of his surroundings.

the new setup is he now has to ask before doing anything. he has to be treated like he is 3. when he asks the answer will be Yes, but he will be reminded to clean up before he does what he is asking. If we walk around and he did a half ass job then we yank him from what he was doing and now he cant do it at all for the day. obviouslly these things take time. trying to find ways without going Stalin on him. hoping not to remove all semblance of joy from life like my parents did, instead of patiently working with me.

how do you patiently work with a "paying attention" issue....
 
ckruzer said:
Cant even remember to shut the door
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Like you, mine have to live in 2 households. One week with us, one week with their other parents, then back to us. So we have to give them SOME grace. I mean..that, in and of itself is stressful for a kid.

And as far as doors...... :kaioken:I tell my wife all the time: "Olivia (our oldest girl, headed to college next month) has never met a door she could close, or a light she could turn OFF"

The oldest, my boy, for the LIFE of him, cannot close a door quietly at night when everyone is asleep. I.E. he doesn't SLAM it per-say, but he lets the latch just "click". Wakes me up every single time he's home.

The youngest forgets everything at "the other house" and we're constantly running back to get stuff.

Point being, I have to make major compromises in what I BELIEVE to be the perfect structure with all 3 kids and what my wife thinks is just asking too much of them. See they are GOOD kids, making good grades, no drugs, no behavior issues, no running with the wrong crowd, and no rebellion. ZERO. ZILCH. She backs me down from going ballistic about little shit, because the BIG STUFF they give us in return IS so big.
It goes against everything I am as a disciplinarian to let SOME of the stuff they do ride....but I have to continually be reminded by my wife of the Bigger picture, and whether it really matters or not. Apparently it DOES matter, because we seem to have a great relationship with all 3 kids. They tell us everything (I have to put my fingers in my ears when the girls talk to my wife) no matter how small, and ask our advice...and really WANT it. I have to believe we've done something right with them to merit that kind of respect from them
 
CasterTroy said:
Like you, mine have to live in 2 households. One week with us, one week with their other parents, then back to us. So we have to give them SOME grace. I mean..that, in and of itself is stressful for a kid.

And as far as doors...... :kaioken:I tell my wife all the time: "Olivia (our oldest girl, headed to college next month) has never met a door she could close, or a light she could turn OFF"

The oldest, my boy, for the LIFE of him, cannot close a door quietly at night when everyone is asleep. I.E. he doesn't SLAM it per-say, but he lets the latch just "click". Wakes me up every single time he's home.

The youngest forgets everything at "the other house" and we're constantly running back to get stuff.

Point being, I have to make major compromises in what I BELIEVE to be the perfect structure with all 3 kids and what my wife thinks is just asking too much of them. See they are GOOD kids, making good grades, no drugs, no behavior issues, no running with the wrong crowd, and no rebellion. ZERO. ZILCH. She backs me down from going ballistic about little shit, because the BIG STUFF they give us in return IS so big.
It goes against everything I am as a disciplinarian to let SOME of the stuff they do ride....but I have to continually be reminded by my wife of the Bigger picture, and whether it really matters or not. Apparently it DOES matter, because we seem to have a great relationship with all 3 kids. They tell us everything (I have to put my fingers in my ears when the girls talk to my wife) no matter how small, and ask our advice...and really WANT it. I have to believe we've done something right with them to merit that kind of respect from them
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100 billion percent agreement. Im a big effort and initiative guy. I tell him all the time. We all fail, will always fail. Daily. I tell him I dont care if or how often he screws up. I care how he handles it. I care he doesnt lie or try to excuse out of it. I care if he takes the initiative to say "oops and sorry". I care if he puts in effort to change. We can all have fatal flaws, and what is easy for one to fix can take years for another to fix. I tell him if you are trying and making a honest effort that is what matters. So if you are trying and leave the door open its a simple matter of telling you to come back and shut it, and some day it will be a habit!
 
CasterTroy said:
It goes against everything I am as a disciplinarian to let SOME of the stuff they do ride....but I have to continually be reminded by my wife of the Bigger picture, and whether it really matters or not.
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I struggled with this for a long time. Still do at times, far from perfect.
One thing an (older) friend said to me once that really hit home was this.

Personality and individualism is part of life. Think baseball. Julio Franco had the worst batting stance in history but he made millions and was a career .300 hitter. The big picture, he hit the ball. So if your son bats a little like Julio let it be. That's him. Now if he carries an axe to the plate or a shovel, well that's out of bounds. That's outside the game, and must be shut down so swiftly and so violently that he never considers it again. But if he shuffles his feet and holds his hands funny and hits line drives...just love him.

The conversation had nothing to do with baseball. But the message I got loud and clear.
 
ckruzer said:
I care he doesnt lie or try to excuse out of it. I care if he takes the initiative to say "oops and sorry"
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:rockon:
That's what I fought and STILL fight to this day with my oldest and youngest. Their mother is incapable of saying "I'm sorry" and or "It was my fault" or "I was wrong"

Something SO simple that can go SO far...and she's a shining example of what NOT to do....thankfully, I think I've been able to overcome that massive stumbling block.
 
All depends on the child and the infraction. My daughters are very different in the way they need to be punished/reasoned with and my son is a whole other ball game. My oldest daughter does not want to disappoint, so she rarely acts up, except when she is very tired, then she gets whiney. Usually the threat of "Whiney babies need naps" (basically telling her that if she doesn't straighten up her attitude, she will be going to bed early) works to get her back in line. Other daughter is the quiet slow burn. She also rarely gets out of line, but just raising my voice at her is enough to get her back in line. Son, however....... he is the one that pushes buttons to see just how far he can go. He also cannot be reasoned with when he is in trouble. He will yell and throw out to the point that I have had to take him out of the situation and spank him. Ever hear, "this will hurt me more than it will you."? It's true. We were at a family picnic at my brother in law's and he refused to put on sunscreen. I told him very calmly that he needed to put it on as it was nearly 90 degrees and there was no shade. He started to run from me. Not a good idea. I informed him that when I catch him, I will spank him once for each step I have to walk back to the spot where he needed to put the sunscreen on. It was a GOOD distance and my wrist was sore by the time I got done spanking his boney butt. My in-laws are great, not only did they not judge me for disciplining him that way, but enforced it as well.

Main thing, no matter what you do with disciplining a kid is be consistent. Husband can't be strict and wife be complacent, or vice versa. If you have one push-over parent, they will play one against the other. Kids can be master manipulators if you let them. My two older step-daughters are evidence of that. It was near impossible for my wife to discipline them with their dad undoing everything all the time. At 25, the oldest realizes it, the other not so much.
 
And so it doesn't sound hypocritical. I said I don't care "how often". I don't. But the issue became an issue because it was reminding them literally 2 minutes later the same mistake. After the upteenth time per day for a week. Had to take action. Then the same happening in the week after even more action. I was just like COME ON MAN! Lol
 
Just bust they ass and be done with it! Unless your a softy and it'll hurt you more!!! I remember 1st grade telling teacher I couldn't sit down bc I got my butt busted night before for pouring milk on table and getting my sister to lick it up haha needless to say I never did that again! Most kids don't need physical discipline tho I've found it best to let em learn hard way if defiant bc it'll teach a lot more than a belt can!!! Ask me how I know.
 
Social media and lots of screen time have been shown to lead to decreased attention spans and short term memory. It might not be the issue with your child, but its something to consider. It has shown to affect many adults also.

With those with split families consider this. Think about how your life would be if you had to move from home to home every week.

Sounds like you folks are doing a good job, but many parents need think about that. Many others need to realize their responsibility is to raise adults that contribute to society.
 
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