Life Advice - Mature Children and Dying Relatives

Ron

Ron

Dum Spiro Spero
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Joined
Apr 16, 2005
Location
Sharon, SC
Facing a bit of a moral dilemna and always appreciate the diversity of viewpoints here.
Would love to get the board's hive perspective.

My kids are (nearly) grown 17 & 20. Have a fantastic relationship with both and each can talk candidly with me about anything...sometimes things I may not even want to hear.

Current issue. My grandparent are in their early-mid 90s. Exact age is actually unsure. Old poor farm home births and questioned birth certificates and such...but mid 90s is close enough.
They kept my oldest his first ~4 years of his life. My wife was still working then and they insisted on keeping him to "keep them young" and it saved daycare and was a great fit for all. As such - he has always had a deeper connection there than my youngest. In short he is closer to his great grandparents than probably any of his grandparents. Because of both our families being divorced/remarried there are a lot of "sets of grandparents. 5 sets to be exact. But I digress.

Anyway over the last say 30 months their health has taken a turn towards the end. My son understands this and accepts it. He deals with it by distancing himself. He says he cant stand to see them deteriorate and not be what they were. I get it. I share the sentiment but I make myself visit for their sake. I dont do it nearly enough. Not as much as my sister for example, but much more than he does. With Nana things have taken a sharp turn the last 2 weeks. We are moving towards the closing pages of the final chapter, and rapidly. I feel like he needs to go visit one final time. As much for her as for himself. I fear if he doesnt he will later regret it.
I havent yet had that conversation with him because hes been out of town for a bit since we got the latest health update. He's due back later this afternoon and I'm honestly dreading it. I know hes going to say he doesnt want to see them "this way"...I know he knows "they are dieing" ...I dont know if he knows how imminent it is in her case. I dont want to share that necessarily because I dont want to guilt trip him into doing what I think is best. If I tld him he had to go and I was "making him" he'd go out of respect and wouldnt question me.

Its going to be a jolting site from the last time he saw her, I know that. Maybe he would be better to remember the vibrant STRONG woman he viewed as a second mom. But I also feel like it would do her heart good to see him again. Despite the war dementia has raged on her everytime she "sees" me she asks about him,even though she frequently calls me by his name or my dads - rarely my own - she always asks about him.

So what say ye, Nc4x4? Encourage him to go pay his last respects and say goodbye, or let him do it totally on his own terms?
 
Encourage him to go 100%. One of my biggest regrets has been not skipping class in college one day to go see an old man from church who was like a grandfather to me when he was on his last. To not want to see them that way is understandable. I lost a grandmother 2 yrs ago to dementia and the last month it killed me to go see her. She was mentally 100% gone and he body was fading. I'm glad I did now. She was my dad's mom but mother is who nudged me to continue going. That your grandmother still had some mind left I would push him a little more than if she was "gone" like my grandma was.
 
100% he needs to go or 100% he will regret it for the rest of his life! The army had me away when I lost a pair of grandparents and I was unable to say my last goodbyes and it is something I regret every day of my life.
 
if he is over 18, encourage but don't force, everybody deals with this kind of thing in their own way and you have to respect that IMO. Go as a family maybe all together? If he is willing.

Upnover and I posted the same thing it looks like, hadn't seen his post yet while I was typing.
 
My maternal grandfather died when I was young. He lived 600 miles away and all I really remember was us being loaded up in the car to go see grandparents, us getting there to him in a hospital bed in the living room, and dieing that night or the day after. He held on until we got there and actually was more coherent and knew we were all there that night, then let go. I'm glad we went and got there in time, even though it was in that state.

My paternal grandfather died when I was in college. He took a pretty quick turn for the worst and I talked to my dad about coming home for the weekend but he seemed to be recovering and I didn't. He passed that Tuesday I believe and I regret not going home.

My maternal grandmother was the same situation as her husband. We loaded up for the 600 mile drive, this time with my daughter who was 1 at the time, to see her in the nursing home. We stayed a couple days and left, and she passed the night we were driving home. Again don't regret going. My nephews went too, ages 5 and 9 I think, and she was glad to see everybody and also seemed to be more coherent at the end.

My paternal grandmother passed in 2017. We visited her in the nursing home, but not enough. She was pretty good mentally, but took a fall and went down quick and died unexpectedly.

I'm 37 and all of my grandparents are gone. My wife's parents are both gone. My kids (5 and 7) only have my parents left and they spend as much time with them as possible. They are in their mid 70s. I don't regret seeing any of them at the end, but do regret not being there or spending more time...
 
Definitely a tough one and hits close to home with myself. I live next door to my Granny. I used to visit her numerous times a week. Ride through with my kids and just sit and talk while they played with her ancient toys in the cabinet by the TV. After my Papa died, she turned sour. Definitely not the lady I loved and very much respected. She mostly prays for death at this point. Nothing makes her smile. Not even time with her great grandchildren or me. Dimentia is definitely there and I get a confused look from her when I do stop by. It hurts me to see her that way and I honestly think she doesn’t see me anymore even when I’m standing right in front of her. Call it selfish, but I’m still clinging to my Granny that I ran away from home to go see. That lady that snuck me sugar biscuits after dinner even when I didn’t clean my plate. I prefer those memories over a last visit that’ll haunt me.
 
Encourage him & accompany him...but do not force him.

He will regret missing this opportunity, although it will not be easy.

Tough call all the way around...
 
Just kinda copy and paste what you've said here. You did a good job laying out the pros and cons and from each involved viewpoint.
 
upnover said:
encourage him to go. But, don't force him. Go with him.
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This 100%! I was 14 or so when I lost my first grandparent. I would stay with her when I was younger. My mom took me to see her after she had 2 open heart surgeries and was in bad shape. I'm glad I got to see her one last time even it if was in intensive care and not what I had known just a few years before.
 
Personally I'd be pretty prone to push him, unless that will make him resist harder. Bottom line, I see both sides. I don't have any sage advice other than this:

Ask him in 5 or 10 years, when she's gone, and he thinks back on it, will he regret not seeing her?
 
Go see them both. My grandpa had a heart attack and went to the hospital. Seemed to be recovering by the next day. He was up, talking, eating, and he asked where I was. Everyone had come to see him and visited but me. I lived 3 hrs away at the beach partying it up. I’d heard that he was up and had asked about me, so I assumed he was good and I’d just stop by next time I was home. He did a 180 and died the next day before I could see him. Tell him to go. It’ll suck now, but give closure later.
 
doc said:
Encourage him & accompany him...but do not force him.

He will regret missing this opportunity, although it will not be easy.

Tough call all the way around...
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This.

I lost two grandparents when I was a child, the other two when I was a teenager, my dad when I was 25. I went and saw all my grandparents when they were in hospice care to visit and "talk". I was by my dads side almost the whole time.
The hardest thing is not knowing what to ask. There's so much stuff I wish I could ask them now.


Edit: I also don't know anything about your children, but the 20 year old is close enough in age that I would make sure they cope in a healthy manner. I did not when my dad died (and while he was very sick) and in hindsight probably should have sought out professional help rather than party as hard as I did.
 
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I stayed with my granddaddy/grandma as a kid and then during summertime when I wasn't in school till I was 12-14. Even after then I spent a lot of time with him because I wanted to and they lived right down the road. He got Alzheimer's shortly after I turned 16. All my aunts/uncles stayed at the house and took turns taking care of him till they couldn't handle it anymore (he had severe sundowners and never slept really, tried to walk out of the house etc.). I would visit a lot and take him to his shop where his old tractor and tools were and just kind of supervise him and listen while he talked. After he went to the nursing home I found it extremely hard to visit him. He wasn't the man I remembered and didn't know any of us. I have never regretted not seeing him much in the last year or so of his life. Don't get me wrong, I miss him dearly and think about him everyday. He didn't have any recollection of me or my dad in the end. I found it more comforting to remember the man that taught me so much and the man I spent so much time with than someone that did not remember me at all and could barely get up out of the bed.

Just another perspective from a younger fellow.
 
PHONE CALL INBOUND... We went through this with both my Grandmothers.
 
My dad's parents died before I was born. My mom's parents died when I was in my 20's. I wish I had spent more time with them before they passed. Same kind of deal with their health as you are dealing with and I was very close to them when I was younger.
 
He needs to go. As painful as it may be it's time for another one of those life talks between son and dad. He's old enough to level with him and explain the situation and also what he will see when he visits. I do this with my kids all the time. "It's going to suck, she won't look the same, you will cry, she will cry, this will be a painful thing to be a part of but it's what's right and it's something you will look back on later and be glad that you did. Life has tough moments but it pays to have character and to honor the ones that have shaped your life." Something along those lines would be my advice.
 
Been thinking about this ever since I read the first post and replied. I still say, encourage him to go. But in my thinking a couple words of advice.
Ask him to....
talk to them both, as if nothing is wrong. Gives them confidence.
Tell them both, how much they mean to him, and how much he appreciates all they did for and with him.
If they are willing, give them a very nice warm hug.

These things I hope, my grand kids can and will do for me.
 
I have a fluid opinion on the other side. My father passed when I was 15. Watching him deteriorate over the last few months was hard. But the worst of it is I remember the last months the most not the man he was before. Regret may be there after their passing but the memory of the well will burn on strong and be easier to hold on to.

Not a strong opinion or ever truly desirable. But a counter point.
 
I watched my grandfather (dad's side) go through Alzheimer's. He died at age 81, I was 10 at the time. Fifty (give or take) years later I watched my mother wilt away from Alzheimer's. She died at age 92, I was 66 at the time. Do I have an answer for you? Not really... we all handle this stuff differently.

Quoting original post: "So what say ye, Nc4x4? Encourage him to go pay his last respects and say goodbye, or let him do it totally on his own terms?"

I would suggest encouraging your son to visit his grandparents. Forget the last respects and final goodbyes... just visit them. This may not be an easy thing to do, but a lot of worthwhile things in life require effort. I still, at times, come up with some haunting thoughts of how I could have done better, but the one thing I do not have any regrets over is the fact that I religiously visited Mom every Wednesday and Sunday until the day she died. I also must add that my wife accompanied me on every visit and I am truly grateful for her support. In conclusion, a few months after Mom died I had a routine doctor's appointment. The Doc asked me how I was doing. I replied OK, I feel pretty decent. No, he said, that's not what I meant. Since Mom's passing, and all that went along with it... how are YOU doing? I got the point that time and answered possibly the best I have ever answered a question. Really don't know where it came from, but I replied, Pap died when I was 10, Dad died when I was 16, and Mom died when I was 66. I doesn't make any difference how young or old you are at the time. It hurts like hell! Encourage your kids to visit them... go with them if they want you to, but don't dwell on the other stuff. Hope this helps a little bit. God Bless.
 
Ron said:
The war dementia has raged on her everytime she "sees" me she asks about him,even though she frequently calls me by his name or my dads
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Having been that kid...having been spared that "last visual"

I have no regrets, and am very thankful I wasn't forced to have it. My memory stays in tact and isn't tainted.

Selfish? Maybe...but given that I wouldn't have been recognized helped make that decision for me
 
MY grandfather died in 96 and I was close to him for a lot of years.He had a farm and I was his right hand man.As I got older (driving age) I didnt go around as much as before even though he lived across the road from me.My sister is 7 years younger than me and cared ZERO about the farm and the next grandson was only 10 when he died so I was it for a long time.As I've gotten older I have wished MANY times I would have went around more and ask questions about his life.his time in the army and lots of other things.Last memories can be tough.My last memories of him is him strapped to a bed minus one leg and talking crazy from a stoke.Luckily he didnt suffer long before pneumonia got him.I dont have many regrets in life but that is definately one of em.I personally would strongly suggest(not force) him to go.Like @Granny said people deal w things in different ways but regret is also something to deal with.
 
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Appreciate all the input. Love you guys, everyone, for the honest perspective.
There isn’t a right or wrong here - I don’t believe.
The talk is done and I’m as proud of him as ever.

He shared his single biggest fear is not being remembered. I advised that maybe a risk worth taking.

I offered for us to go visit together and he said “no. I don’t know if I am going at all. But if I do, I’ll do it alone. It’s a personal choice and a personal relationship”

I couldn’t argue with that.

he’s pretty dang grounded for 20 at times
 
I was with Scott Fields about right up to the end. It was hard to go see him every week, and see him age years each week. The last time I saw him it broke my heart. But I don’t regret it at all. There was still enough of Scott left in the shell of a human that we embraced, we cried, we smiled, and I left there knowing that’d be the last time I saw Scott in this life.

I’ll never forget the last thing he said to me, and as I type this I reflect on how I haven’t done a good job of that.

But as to your inquiry, ask him to go. Explain why you feel he should go. Don’t force, and leave not going as an option too. But I do think he should go.
 
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