77GreenMachine
Phillip Talton
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2010
- Location
- Trinity, NC
My mother died 2 days ago. It's all been blur since then.
I feel like I lost my mom about 15 years ago in most ways. We had a strained relationship to say the least. My mom had an unhealthy attraction to worthless people. She left my dad when I was 5, and constantly had worthless men in and out of her life. I spent time living with both parents as a kid. There were many good times in my younger days, what seemed good at the time. As an adult and parent myself I realize how toxic it all was and all the extremes I should have never been exposed to as a kid. Several of the men she had in her life did awful things to me, but she would always take their side. Somewhere along the line prescription pills consumed her. She became a shell of the person I used to know. I felt like a prisoner for many years, trying to help her and taking care of her property. Nothing was ever enough.
She always had lowlife people around that took advantage of her, stole from her and more. Many years ago I began distancing myself from her and the toxicity. There was bitterness and resentment. She did not like my wife, did not accept my daughter that I adopted, and I only visited and called her enough to keep her from throwing a fit and giving me a guilt trip if I'm being honest.
I could go on and on about it all but I won't.
My mom loved me, the best she could. I don't think she ever really matured past 20 or so. However she was a manipulator and made my life very hard. So with that and the stuff above I was quite removed, and always felt like when she was gone there would be relief. But I felt guilty for feeling that way. Now she is gone, and it does not feel like I thought it would. It feels like crap. Hot, steamy crap shoved down my throat. There is partly relief, but it is overshadowed by guilt. And all of that is entirely overshadowed by the amount of stuff I have to deal with now. Not even 24 hours went by before I'm sitting in a funeral home making decisions that suck like crazy. On top of all that, my mom had these low life leaches living with her and now I'm dealing with that and they're already stealing her stuff. It is quite literally a nightmare of a situation.
If you have adult kids, get your affairs in order to make your passing easy on them. If you have aging parents, have the tough conversation and form a plan, know where things are at. I've had to tear my mom's house apart to find documents, and she was a horder to boot. It's a disaster to say the least.
I would also like to give a massive thanks to @Tails. We had not seen each other since we crossed paths out in Missouri at SMORR. We'd made plans over a week before to hang out Wednesday to have dinner and catch up. Man did he bite off a lot more than he bargained for. I don't think he'd been here and sat down for 5 minutes when I got the call. He was such a good friend in such an awful time. He offered to leave, or stay, or do whatever was helpful. In a daze of hurt, anger, sadness and more I decided we should go to dinner anyway but stay close by. We talked for a while, I couldn't tell you what either of us said. I wasn't really there. It was all just noise. All I know is he was there, like a good friend, doing his damndest to just be here for me. I'm sure it was awkward and uncomfortable for him in ways, but it was helpful more than he'll ever know and helped take the sting out of the sudden news. Later I called @rcalexander105 and @Curtis_H and completely broke down and lost it, which seems to happen every evening now when the busy work is gone and I'm left to think.
I know that all of this will get better with time. But it sucks like nothing I've ever felt before. I wish so many things were different. I tried to fix it several times, me and my wife both. But it was all so damaged and toxic, that each time things got worse. I can't help but feel like it still was all my fault.
I try to pray, but can't seem to get much out other than please help me. I know God is with me. I know this is normal. But it still sucks. It all sucks.
I cannot find the words for the hurt, accompanied by rage that I feel.
Despite all that had happened, she was still my mom. Merry Christmas to me right?
I feel like I lost my mom about 15 years ago in most ways. We had a strained relationship to say the least. My mom had an unhealthy attraction to worthless people. She left my dad when I was 5, and constantly had worthless men in and out of her life. I spent time living with both parents as a kid. There were many good times in my younger days, what seemed good at the time. As an adult and parent myself I realize how toxic it all was and all the extremes I should have never been exposed to as a kid. Several of the men she had in her life did awful things to me, but she would always take their side. Somewhere along the line prescription pills consumed her. She became a shell of the person I used to know. I felt like a prisoner for many years, trying to help her and taking care of her property. Nothing was ever enough.
She always had lowlife people around that took advantage of her, stole from her and more. Many years ago I began distancing myself from her and the toxicity. There was bitterness and resentment. She did not like my wife, did not accept my daughter that I adopted, and I only visited and called her enough to keep her from throwing a fit and giving me a guilt trip if I'm being honest.
I could go on and on about it all but I won't.
My mom loved me, the best she could. I don't think she ever really matured past 20 or so. However she was a manipulator and made my life very hard. So with that and the stuff above I was quite removed, and always felt like when she was gone there would be relief. But I felt guilty for feeling that way. Now she is gone, and it does not feel like I thought it would. It feels like crap. Hot, steamy crap shoved down my throat. There is partly relief, but it is overshadowed by guilt. And all of that is entirely overshadowed by the amount of stuff I have to deal with now. Not even 24 hours went by before I'm sitting in a funeral home making decisions that suck like crazy. On top of all that, my mom had these low life leaches living with her and now I'm dealing with that and they're already stealing her stuff. It is quite literally a nightmare of a situation.
If you have adult kids, get your affairs in order to make your passing easy on them. If you have aging parents, have the tough conversation and form a plan, know where things are at. I've had to tear my mom's house apart to find documents, and she was a horder to boot. It's a disaster to say the least.
I would also like to give a massive thanks to @Tails. We had not seen each other since we crossed paths out in Missouri at SMORR. We'd made plans over a week before to hang out Wednesday to have dinner and catch up. Man did he bite off a lot more than he bargained for. I don't think he'd been here and sat down for 5 minutes when I got the call. He was such a good friend in such an awful time. He offered to leave, or stay, or do whatever was helpful. In a daze of hurt, anger, sadness and more I decided we should go to dinner anyway but stay close by. We talked for a while, I couldn't tell you what either of us said. I wasn't really there. It was all just noise. All I know is he was there, like a good friend, doing his damndest to just be here for me. I'm sure it was awkward and uncomfortable for him in ways, but it was helpful more than he'll ever know and helped take the sting out of the sudden news. Later I called @rcalexander105 and @Curtis_H and completely broke down and lost it, which seems to happen every evening now when the busy work is gone and I'm left to think.
I know that all of this will get better with time. But it sucks like nothing I've ever felt before. I wish so many things were different. I tried to fix it several times, me and my wife both. But it was all so damaged and toxic, that each time things got worse. I can't help but feel like it still was all my fault.
I try to pray, but can't seem to get much out other than please help me. I know God is with me. I know this is normal. But it still sucks. It all sucks.
I cannot find the words for the hurt, accompanied by rage that I feel.
Despite all that had happened, she was still my mom. Merry Christmas to me right?
