Repressed memories...

[WARRIORWELDING]

Holy crap. I cant tell if it's the late hours or just an absolute shock. Another thread happened to have a old photo of my old rig. The most important part is in the grainy picture is what i think is my pops.

Hooray at the flood of emotions and some vague memories. But it makes me remember vividly I think I'm not normal.

Back story. Born severely screwed up, hit my head hard when little, found my hero dead by self inflicted shot gun blast to the head......blah blah. No these are not excuses, but I can not find the reason I can't remember loved ones past or present I value. Like some people replay things in their head. I know things we did. Its more of a list in my head, but void of details. Reads like an outline without those details some seem to recall. I literally cannot recall some faces unless I look at photos...like today.

I can remember daily task, daily figures, welding crap most don't care remember. I cannot however remember things I know I cherish. Childhood, young adult, adult what have you.

But a picture......dang the emotions it can bring. But almost no conection to the moment other then what is in print.

What say you NC.....one flew over the ko-koo nest?

Specifically @RatLabGuy ?

 

[CasterTroy]

Often times when we're forced to address emotions associated with pain, we repress those particular (or sometimes ALL) emotions.

Many times when a traumatic experience is linked to a feeling, out of self preservation we tend to compartmentalize and isolate the feeling part of the equation in order to protect ourselves. Then, over time we become disconnected from ALL emotions.
This disconnect can last our whole lives, OR the connection to those emotions can come flooding back at the sight of a single picture, a smell, or being physically in a place that a memory occurred. When this happens, it's so foreign to us that we think there must be something "wrong". A lot of times we push THAT back down hoping it will just go away. I mean, Ain't nobody got time for dat!

In men this is even more prevalent, as most of us were taught to suppress "feelings" and do the task at hand.

I think your backstory is not only VERY relevant, but at the forefront of these questions. You're opening a HUGE can by even acknowledging this outburst of emotions, but don't believe in ANY way that you are "not normal"

Besides.....WTF IS normal?

IMHO talking this out with someone will be EXTREMELY relieving for you. It'll be very difficult. VERY difficult! But rewarding.

I'm 90% moved into the new digs. Got the patio furniture set, and a temporary fire pit set up to burn construction debris. ANY time you want, you're welcome to come check out the new place and then hang out by the fire.

(BTW...I didn't FIND him....but my that died at his own hands on his back porch with a .38 snub nose)

 

[kaiser715]

It was in the garage, but I told about the hard time I had back in June/July of this year. Long story short, in about one year, my first year of college, I lost six family, friends, close associates, all under 30 years old. A lot of memories, hurt, and pain had been suppressed for almost 40 years. Good memories were buried with the bad. All was OK, until the damn youtube algorithm thought that I should see a recent documentary about one of the deaths (one of our firemen). Several weeks of no sleep, and bad memories, good memories, all flooded in.

I talked to a lot of people to try and work thru this, and finally connected with a few people that I felt truly understood what I was going thru. My pastor helped greatly. Our FD here in Sanford had a LODD back about that same timeframe, and I connected with a city fireman that was close to him when that occurred, and it helped. Just telling the story to folks, even here online, helped me to work it out.

Find someone you can talk to. Find several folks that will have different viewpoints, listening styles, words of wisdom. Tell your stories. The more you let it out in the open, the more that will come to you, and the easier it becomes. If you want, I'll call you for lunch when I am up that way. We can talk about your dad, my dad, or the weather.

BTW, "normal" is nothing but a setting on your washing machine.

 

[WARRIORWELDING]

Often times when we're forced to address emotions associated with pain, we repress those particular (or sometimes ALL) emotions.

Many times when a traumatic experience is linked to a feeling, out of self preservation we tend to compartmentalize and isolate the feeling part of the equation in order to protect ourselves. Then, over time we become disconnected from ALL emotions.
This disconnect can last our whole lives, OR the connection to those emotions can come flooding back at the sight of a single picture, a smell, or being physically in a place that a memory occurred. When this happens, it's so foreign to us that we think there must be something "wrong". A lot of times we push THAT back down hoping it will just go away. I mean, Ain't nobody got time for dat!

In men this is even more prevalent, as most of us were taught to suppress "feelings" and do the task at hand.

I think your backstory is not only VERY relevant, but at the forefront of these questions. You're opening a HUGE can by even acknowledging this outburst of emotions, but don't believe in ANY way that you are "not normal"

Besides.....WTF IS normal?

IMHO talking this out with someone will be EXTREMELY relieving for you. It'll be very difficult. VERY difficult! But rewarding.

I'm 90% moved into the new digs. Got the patio furniture set, and a temporary fire pit set up to burn construction debris. ANY time you want, you're welcome to come check out the new place and then hang out by the fire.

(BTW...I didn't FIND him....but my that died at his own hands on his back porch with a .38 snub nose)

Thanks man. I just can't believe how excited and sad I was at the same time. Not in a bad way, just kinda like damn...... Even better I could remember some other folks.
My closest friends have told me I'm much different then I was prior to certain events. Corny as it may sound instead of staying with family during grieving I've gone off on work tangents. When my grandfather passed I spent days in his pasture working my butt off by myself. My family let me be. I only stopped enough to go to his funeral and receiving. Hated every minute of his and my father's. Like some selfish twat I didn't want to be a part of any of it. On the other hand, my grandmother passed and we was all expecting it. I actually preached at her service. But the results are the same. Very few memories that I can recall.

Numb is a really good description until I see a certain image.....then outta nothing a flood. I've only come to recognize it out of a pattern. That and the fustration of family conversations that start with: "Do you remember when?"

 

[Fabrik8]

I think partially what you're wanted to hear is that it is perfectly normal for the brain to repress things to protect itself from emotional trauma. Also, it's rather normal to repress grief and dealing with grief. I do it all the time.. Men are really quite good at doing that, as unhealthy as it actually is.

See my comment from a few days ago about not being able to look at my dad's initial garage sketches....

 

[UTfball68]

When it comes to mental health, don't be a hero, get the help you need. As pointed out by others, men tend to be expected to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and fix everyone's problems, without having any of their own. While sitting around with a buddy, drinking a beer can be cathartic to an extent, it probably won't 'fix' anything (at least in my experience). Once a guy gets over the He Man complex, I've found a trained therapist can be quite helpful from stress related issues to full on suicidal thoughts. First time I went was because I thought I was some kind of sociopath that couldn't connect to his child, next kid same deal and took even longer. Been a couple other times when it feels like the weight of the world is just crushing me and anxiety is around every corner. The wife has gone when her postpartum depression/anxiety ramps up. When my brother had his bouts of threatening suicide (attention grabbing or not), he's not breathed a word of it in quite some time. I don't know specifically what you're going through, but if you're worried about it, don't play around with it and get that weight off your shoulders. The feelings will still be there, but I've found it becomes easier to process and understand why you feel the way you do, and with any luck, work yourself out of the funk.

 

[WARRIORWELDING]

When it comes to mental health, don't be a hero, get the help you need. As pointed out by others, men tend to be expected to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders and fix everyone's problems, without having any of their own. While sitting around with a buddy, drinking a beer can be cathartic to an extent, it probably won't 'fix' anything (at least in my experience). Once a guy gets over the He Man complex, I've found a trained therapist can be quite helpful from stress related issues to full on suicidal thoughts. First time I went was because I thought I was some kind of sociopath that couldn't connect to his child, next kid same deal and took even longer. Been a couple other times when it feels like the weight of the world is just crushing me and anxiety is around every corner. The wife has gone when her postpartum depression/anxiety ramps up. When my brother had his bouts of threatening suicide (attention grabbing or not), he's not breathed a word of it in quite some time. I don't know specifically what you're going through, but if you're worried about it, don't play around with it and get that weight off your shoulders. The feelings will still be there, but I've found it becomes easier to process and understand why you feel the way you do, and with any luck, work yourself out of the funk.

Funk..I can identify.

 

[StretchASU]

Everyone copes differently. I've tried the therapy/talking to someone route and for whatever reason I always feel awkward after and not much better than I was before. For me, all I know is to move one step in front of the other and keep going forward. Some would look and say its repression, but I came to terms with death and loss at a very young age and I don't wish that shit on anyone. It's not normal. I got wired that way at 14 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and given 90 days to 1.5 years max. He pushed through hell and made it 4.5 years. I never saw emotion, I just saw someone working their ass off to beat the odds and be the best person they could for their family. When my mom unexpectedly passed away in April I had to ask the CMPD officer that called me 2-3x to be clear that it was not my grandmother who lived there as well and once it clicked I simply went into go mode. It's an eerie reaction looking back on it. Hung up with the officer, called work, found my client and explained the situation, booked my flight home, called the family and simply just started getting things done and haven't stopped. Went back to work ASAP and had to get back to a sense of normalcy.

I've had my moments over the years and there are always triggers. Good and bad. With my dad, he was an engineer. I sucked at math. We always butted heads growing up because of it. However I was sitting under my old Xtra Cab, years ago, with the whole ass end cut apart getting ready to link it. Some graph paper, a pencil, a tape measure and a 12pack of beer. I just started laughing hysterically by myself in the shop realizing that he's probably looking down saying "remember all that geometry and trig you hated. Ha how bout now ya little shit". I was also a total fuckhead for 2 years after he passed before inevitably leaving the football team because every thing reminded me of him and I just couldn't handle it. To this day, I vividly remember a dream where I was walking back into the fieldhouse after a football game, walked by him and he didnt even acknowlege me. Like didn't even know who I was. I lost my shit in the dream and woke up in a cold sweat. It was that point I got my shit together and went back to school and worked my ass off to do so with as little debt as possible. With my mom, I had my fucked up vivid dream a week ago when I finished my taxes and the ones for the estate. My wife and I recently closed on a house, well in the dream my mom showed up to the new house wondering why I sold her townhouse and had a bunch of her furniture in mine. Still processing that one as I sort through more of her stuff and dig through family heirlooms and paperwork. But the emotions come in waves and come and go. That part, is totally normal.

The coping side and triggers, it will be different for everyone and there is not a "right" way to react. But talking about it always helps whether its with a professional or some close confidants.

 

[NCJeeplover]

Not to change the subject, but I have a hard time remembering things all together. I don't remember who any of my teachers were in elementary through middle school and most of high school. I ran into my 11th grade english teacher a few years ago on a job and introduced myself like always. He looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think they're repressed, just missing. Lots of stuff through the years just missing. Complete blank. Even important stuff that shouldn't be.

I guess that's why I found my wife. She has a memory like a steel trap. Her family says she remembers before she was born!

 

[tlucier]

Not to change the subject, but I have a hard time remembering things all together. I don't remember who any of my teachers were in elementary through middle school and most of high school. I ran into my 11th grade english teacher a few years ago on a job and introduced myself like always. He looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think there repressed, just missing. Lots of stuff through the years just missing. Complete blank. Even important stuff that shouldn't be.

I guess that's why I found my wife. She has a memory like a steel trap. Her family says she remembers before she was born!

I've got the same thing going on. It was mainly high school for me and some stuff from my late 20's/early 30's is just gone.

 

[UTfball68]

Not to change the subject, but I have a hard time remembering things all together. I don't remember who any of my teachers were in elementary through middle school and most of high school. I ran into my 11th grade english teacher a few years ago on a job and introduced myself like always. He looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think they're repressed, just missing. Lots of stuff through the years just missing. Complete blank. Even important stuff that shouldn't be.

I guess that's why I found my wife. She has a memory like a steel trap. Her family says she remembers before she was born!

This freaks my wife out, and she blames 20 years of football. I never had any sort of memory issues until I hit 30ish. Names, faces, phone numbers, text, school lessons, play books, didn't matter...damn near eidetic. I've been brushing it off as 'more important things to remember/focus on and getting older' for a couple years. But here lately, I'm not really sure if I'm regurgitating something I've heard 100 times or if I actually remember what I think I do. There are still several memories back to an extremely young age that are very clear and vivid...but other conversations with friends family, I'll chuckle and nod along because I remember the scenario, but don't remember what my exact involvement was.

 

[obullfish]

Not to change the subject, but I have a hard time remembering things all together. I don't remember who any of my teachers were in elementary through middle school and most of high school. I ran into my 11th grade english teacher a few years ago on a job and introduced myself like always. He looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think they're repressed, just missing. Lots of stuff through the years just missing. Complete blank. Even important stuff that shouldn't be.

I guess that's why I found my wife. She has a memory like a steel trap. Her family says she remembers before she was born!

Same here. Been told it’s selective memory but I’m not sure. I do agree with your mind compartmentalizing to protect itself. I don’t remember a lot of my younger days myself and I’d say it was due to the situation I was in growing up and loosing my dad in my early 20’s. One positive from it was I learned not to give a damn about what people said or think of me. The downside of it is I will tell someone that I don’t like to get bent in a heartbeat.

 

[Andy J.]

Not to change the subject, but I have a hard time remembering things all together. I don't remember who any of my teachers were in elementary through middle school and most of high school. I ran into my 11th grade english teacher a few years ago on a job and introduced myself like always. He looked at me like I was crazy. I don't think they're repressed, just missing. Lots of stuff through the years just missing. Complete blank. Even important stuff that shouldn't be.

I guess that's why I found my wife. She has a memory like a steel trap. Her family says she remembers before she was born!

Same here. I really struggle to remember specific events and I reintroduce myself to people occasionally. Sometimes I wonder if my wife doesn't just make up memories because she knows I can't refute them .

 

[WARRIORWELDING]

Same here. I really struggle to remember specific events and I reintroduce myself to people occasionally. Sometimes I wonder if my wife doesn't just make up memories because she knows I can't refute them .

I think my wife already does this. Ever win any arguements?

 

[Halftrac]

Tanker has mental issues due to work and losing his left arm.The problem with therapist is how to deal with a amputate when they have both arms. Wont say what hes been though but he should be dead. Buried most of his friends ,memory is all he has in bits and drapes. Every one has mental shut off switch, trauma dictates when to shut off the memory bank. He cant remember the accident but bits before and after. Sounds will trigger a nightmare..Whats normal for you may not be normal for us. The mind is a tricky in how it works. Just remember that out there someone has it worse then you.

 

[WARRIORWELDING]

Tanker has mental issues due to work and losing his left arm.The problem with therapist is how to deal with a amputate when they have both arms. Wont say what hes been though but he should be dead. Buried most of his friends ,memory is all he has in bits and drapes. Every one has mental shut off switch, trauma dictates when to shut off the memory bank. He cant remember the accident but bits before and after. Sounds will trigger a nightmare..Whats normal for you may not be normal for us. The mind is a tricky in how it works. Just remember that out there someone has it worse then you.

Agreed that's why I didn't share a lot of very vivid details. Every mind is different. I just wanted to generate a conversation. Not a pitty party.
Out of this I am leaning toward some type of help.

 

[UTfball68]

Just remember that out there someone has it worse then you.

No offense to you, because I understand the comment...but that kind of comment always makes me cringe. I HATE how people say it like it’s some kind of magic wand that’s supposed to instantly make someone feel better about what they’re going through. More often than not, I feel that comment is the exact reason people don’t get the help they need, because they’re just being a ‘bitch’ and need to nut up. Rarely is that mindset the ‘fix’...because as you so eloquently noted...

Whats normal for you may not be normal for us.

 

[Halftrac]

No offence taken. The people hes help have been the one that are well my hand is missing I cant do blank. Well this person lost arm above elbow lets see how hes doing it and maybe adapt something to help you.Hes not trying to degrade the person but to figure out how to get over the problem. No one solution fits all but look at others to see something to adapt overcome the problem. Like how to fasten your pants,tie your shoes. These sound easy but are a pain to do with a hand or arm missing. I told him not to try my bras. Hes had to look at others to figure out how to due things. I hope clears some out some mud.

 

[awheelterd]

No offence taken. The people hes help have been the one that are well my hand is missing I cant do blank. Well this person lost arm above elbow lets see how hes doing it and maybe adapt something to help you.Hes not trying to degrade the person but to figure out how to get over the problem. No one solution fits all but look at others to see something to adapt overcome the problem. Like how to fasten your pants,tie your shoes. These sound easy but are a pain to do with a hand or arm missing. I told him not to try my bras. Hes had to look at others to figure out how to due things. I hope clears some out some mud.

Hopefully he gets the hang of it. I used to go.to church with a guy that lost an arm in a car accident 20yrs ago. He can do anything I can do with 2 arms and some things better. He has learned to use his feet/knees to get things positioned and uses his teeth a good bit to hold stuff. He doesnt wear belts though. He once told me that they were just more work than they were worth

 

[Ron]

No offense to you, because I understand the comment...but that kind of comment always makes me cringe. I HATE how people say it like it’s some kind of magic wand that’s supposed to instantly make someone feel better about what they’re going through. More often than not, I feel that comment is the exact reason people don’t get the help they need, because they’re just being a ‘bitch’ and need to nut up. Rarely is that mindset the ‘fix’...because as you so eloquently noted...

I get and agree with what you are saying 100%.
And in the spirit of the thread I think @WARRIORWELDING needs to hear that again.

If you feel it, its real to you.

I'll expand a bit with an example that drives that point home. Those who know me well know this, but I dont often broadcast it. I did a short stint in an inpatient drug rehab facility college aged. If Im honest it was essentially the price for a get out of jail free card for being dumb. I wasnt truly an addict as I know now but it was a cop out and avoided charges. But I digress. While in the rehab I met a dude who is still one of my best friends 20 years later...even though associating with other addicts is strongly frowned upon. But to stay on topic..

This dude grew up uber wealthy. His parents were centa-milllionaires (worth 100M plus) and owned huge businesses that employed something like 20% of the town he grew up in. He had movie star looks and was a freak athlete. SI did an article on him when he was in the 8th grade started for a state champ varsity baseball team and threw 3 no hitters...as an 8th grader. I mean dude had it all. (And es I fact checked his stories beacause hes an addict they lie its what they do - they are all true).
His "hell" was never knowing true friendship. Feeling like no one liked him they either liked the family name or the sports star. My initial reaction was boo fawking waaaah. Cry me a river let me try that life a bit. But what I learned - and what I hope helps someone else to read - that fact that someone else is starving to death doesnt minimize the pain he felt. Now perspective is a great thing and he needed and learned that...but in the moment he hurt just as bad internally as anyone.

Christians simplify this by saying "We all have our own cross to bear"...regardless of your spiritual leanings the message is important. Dont be deferential to your feelings. To your emotions. To your mind.

If you feel it, its real to you.

 

[obullfish]

I get and agree with what you are saying 100%.
And in the spirit of the thread I think @WARRIORWELDING needs to hear that again.

If you feel it, its real to you.

I'll expand a bit with an example that drives that point home. Those who know me well know this, but I dont often broadcast it. I did a short stint in an inpatient drug rehab facility college aged. If Im honest it was essentially the price for a get out of jail free card for being dumb. I wasnt truly an addict as I know now but it was a cop out and avoided charges. But I digress. While in the rehab I met a dude who is still one of my best friends 20 years later...even though associating with other addicts is strongly frowned upon. But to stay on topic..

This dude grew up uber wealthy. His parents were centa-milllionaires (worth 100M plus) and owned huge businesses that employed something like 20% of the town he grew up in. He had movie star looks and was a freak athlete. SI did an article on him when he was in the 8th grade started for a state champ varsity baseball team and threw 3 no hitters...as an 8th grader. I mean dude had it all. (And es I fact checked his stories beacause hes an addict they lie its what they do - they are all true).
His "hell" was never knowing true friendship. Feeling like no one liked him they either liked the family name or the sports star. My initial reaction was boo fawking waaaah. Cry me a river let me try that life a bit. But what I learned - and what I hope helps someone else to read - that fact that someone else is starving to death doesnt minimize the pain he felt. Now perspective is a great thing and he needed and learned that...but in the moment he hurt just as bad internally as anyone.

Christians simplify this by saying "We all have our own cross to bear"...regardless of your spiritual leanings the message is important. Dont be deferential to your feelings. To your emotions. To your mind.

If you feel it, its real to you.

I agree with that more than anything I’ve ever seen you post.

 

[Ron]

I agree with that more than anything I’ve ever seen you post.

even a broken clock is right twice a day

 

[iwaxmyjimmy]

I can’t offer any advice, but I can say that you’re not alone, and if you ever need someone to just chit chat with man, just say when. I had a huge long post, but it was a little too personal for me to share in open forum and I refuse to let anyone pity me or seem like a victim. But synopsis, my childhood wasn’t that stellar, I’m still dealing with aspects of it, combined with other experiences in my adult life. I also enjoy my seclusion and retrograde back into the garage when I need to process emotions. Generally that’s aided by a fatty and my headphones so I can be real with myself instead of stuffing it down. So I can understand where you’re coming from and I’m in the boat right next to you on a few things. If you ever need anything PM me and we will exchange numbers. And yes I understand I’m only 32, but we’ve shared some very similar experiences.