Stay at Home Parents

Cherokeekid88

Cherokeekid88

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2007
Location
High Point, NC
Long story short... Wife's office has been closed due to COVID-19 since the middle of March, scheduled to start back this coming Monday. Took our (now) 2 year old daughter out of the daycare she was in since the wife was going to be at home for the foreseeable future and didn't want to expose our daughter and my wife also has a suppressed immune system, and we could also save that money we were paying every week. During the last almost 3 months, I am amazed at how much our little girl has learned and how smart she is because my wife was so adamant about teaching her while they had this time together and it really got us thinking about the idea of my wife staying at home. The problem is our finances. Over the last year or so, we have done good with paying stuff off and not creating any new bills for ourselves, and with my daughters new daycare, we are looking at spending about 10k a year for childcare, which besides our mortgage is our biggest expense monthly. My wife and I roughly make the same amount of money, so with her not working, our income would be cut in half. We don't have family members that would be able to keep her full time, so we only have the 2 options. Looking for some direction and guidance here. I know that there are a lot of pros to having a child in daycare and there are a lot of pros to having your child stay at home with a parent and I know my wife would love it, just don't know how to make it work financially and have it make sense. Any stay at home parents out there that can give me some advice? How did you make the decision?
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
How did you make the decision?
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Well the best care and we'll being of your kids and wifey is/should be top priority so for me, taking a cut in finances to have that is very worth it. But I'm simple, so is my wife and I've raised 5 kids at home on 12-15hr till just few years ago stepped up to 18hr equivalent...now self employed. That's my perspective anyways. You'll make the best choice for your family
 
Having my wife stay at home was the best decision we ever made after getting married. Nobody can care for your kids the way you or your wife does. My wife made good money as a microbiologist, but we adapted to not having her salary. She also does a lot for me that she wouldn’t be able to do if she worked, so that’s a plus too! In fact, when the kids grow up and move out, I’ll have a hard time adjusting if my wife goes back to work!
Homeschooling also opens up so many choices and benefits that you don’t realize. Vacations can be any time of year. You can concentrate their studies on what you think they need, and not get bogged down in the unnecessary stuff. Some people say they are concerned about the social interactions kids miss out on by not being at typical school. I’ll tell you my wife ensures our kids get plenty of socialization with kids their age they various homeschool activities like chorus and PE.
 
My biggest fear is making it on just my Salary. We've worked hard to pay stuff off like my wife's car, but only been able to do that because we had 2 paychecks coming in. Also wondering if Wife could possibly file for Medicaid to get insurance for both herself and my daughter. I currently have our daughter on my insurance at work, but if I added my wife to my plan, that would be another couple hundred a month and would make it even harder for us.
 
IMO the best scenario is part time work/daycare tradeoff.
When the kids were little my wife worked only mornings, 12-15 hrs a week. Kid would be in daycare/preschool long enough to get some socialization and a bit of lesson, but then she could still be Mom in the afternoon. That let her have an inteectual outlet too and osme time away from them. Then when kids got to both be in school, that overlapped w/ her work time, and she took additional tutoring jobs w/ the leftover. That has worked out very well for us.

One thing you do have to look out for is that if your wif eenjoys her career, and wants to have a career later, a lot of women have a hard time switching back from being full-time mom & teacher to a working life several years later. Addiitonally, while they love their kids and being Mom, later they can feel like they lost something b/c their life becomes 100% about just the kids.
For osme people thats fine, for others, not so much.
 
RatLabGuy said:
When the kids were little my wife worked only mornings, 12-15 hrs a week. Kid would be in daycare/preschool long enough to get some socialization and a bit of lesson, but then she could still be Mom in the afternoon. That let her have an inteectual outlet too and osme time away from them. Then when kids got to both be in school, that overlapped w/ her work time, and she took additional tutoring jobs w/ the leftover. That has worked out very well for us.
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The downside here is that she won't get health insurance covered by her employer, and the income she brings in will mostly go to offset the cost of daycare.
 
Im not going to type a book because you and I are wired so differently it will never "click".

In short I will say this.
In my view you are looking at this through a selfish lense. Your view is how can I do this for my daughter and keep the stuff I am used to having.
My lense is - this is best for my kids then its non negotiable. That's what we do. Now what stuff can we have.

I cant explain this any other way. Dude you only get 1 walk through this life. You have no responsibility in my eyes that even compares to the one to your kids. I would/have and will continue to do whats best for my kids REGARDLESS of what hardship that caused.

If I had to move to a smaller house. If I had to sell both cars and drive beaters, or ride a bicycle, or walk. If I had to work 2 jobs. I'd do what was best for my kid. You are FINALLY realizing what many told you before you ever had a kid. SAHM is best for the kid.

That's the choice I made 15 years ago and the choice Id make every day for the rest of my life. When we went 2 years without a vacation, when we only had 1 car, when we didn't eat in a restaurant (not even fast food) for 18 months ...I never once regretted it. I still don't.

Ive often explained it this way.
Metaphorically Id rather see an army of men suffer and die than see my child get a scratch.
Spiritually I believe I was made in the image of a Father who sacrificed everything for me. If I am made in his image then I MUST sacrifice everything for my kids.
 
shawn said:
The downside here is that she won't get health insurance covered by her employer, and the income she brings in will mostly go to offset the cost of daycare.
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Depends on the hours. If 20+, then its possible. Or change to his insurance. IIRC OP works for a bank, I'd wager there's a decent option.

EDIT: Just to clarify, the long term value of her working some isn't just the money. Its also for her sake, and gets the child some amount of socialization. Even if it is all a wash, and comes to teh same amount as staying home, then why not do that and get those benefits?

Hell if nothing else you're helping the local economy.
 
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RatLabGuy said:
IMO the best scenario is part time work/daycare tradeoff.
When the kids were little my wife worked only mornings, 12-15 hrs a week. Kid would be in daycare/preschool long enough to get some socialization and a bit of lesson, but then she could still be Mom in the afternoon. That let her have an inteectual outlet too and osme time away from them. Then when kids got to both be in school, that overlapped w/ her work time, and she took additional tutoring jobs w/ the leftover. That has worked out very well for us.

One thing you do have to look out for is that if your wif eenjoys her career, and wants to have a career later, a lot of women have a hard time switching back from being full-time mom & teacher to a working life several years later. Addiitonally, while they love their kids and being Mom, later they can feel like they lost something b/c their life becomes 100% about just the kids.
For osme people thats fine, for others, not so much.
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There is the possibility at her office now that she could potentially go part time. I don't know what all that entails or what the hours would be, but it could work, but the issue would be the care while she was at work and of course insurance. My work does have the option to add my spouse, although it does comes with a price and last time I looked into it, was going to be a couple hundred more a month, which her part time work could pay for that portion and possibly see if her parents could keep her for a few hours a day...
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
There is the possibility at her office now that she could potentially go part time. I don't know what all that entails or what the hours would be, but it could work, but the issue would be the care while she was at work and of course insurance. My work does have the option to add my spouse, although it does comes with a price and last time I looked into it, was going to be a couple hundred more a month, which her part time work could pay for that portion and possibly see if her parents could keep her for a few hours a day...
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Its not uncommon for daycares and preschools to have half-day programs. The one we used for example did preschool in the AM (actual lessons) and basicall free time daycare in the afternoon. We paid half the rate for just mornings, and like $20 extra or something to include lunchtime if wanted.
They balanced it w/ parents who wanted their kids in the morning and worked in the afternoon, the opposite of us.

The biggest things w/ these is timing and whether they have openings etc. It's like 50% luck, and of course the places with a great reputation have waiting lists.
 
Ron said:
Im not going to type a book because you and I are wired so differently it will never "click".

In short I will say this.
In my view you are looking at this through a selfish lense. Your view is how can I do this for my daughter and keep the stuff I am used to having.
My lense is - this is best for my kids then its non negotiable. That's what we do. Now what stuff can we have.

I cant explain this any other way. Dude you only get 1 walk through this life. You have no responsibility in my eyes that even compares to the one to your kids. I would/have and will continue to do whats best for my kids REGARDLESS of what hardship that caused.

If I had to move to a smaller house. If I had to sell both cars and drive beaters, or ride a bicycle, or walk. If I had to work 2 jobs. I'd do what was best for my kid. You are FINALLY realizing what many told you before you ever had a kid. SAHM is best for the kid.

That's the choice I made 15 years ago and the choice Id make every day for the rest of my life. When we went 2 years without a vacation, when we only had 1 car, when we didn't eat in a restaurant (not even fast food) for 18 months ...I never once regretted it. I still don't.

Ive often explained it this way.
Metaphorically Id rather see an army of men suffer and die than see my child get a scratch.
Spiritually I believe I was made in the image of a Father who sacrificed everything for me. If I am made in his image then I MUST sacrifice everything for my kids.
Click to expand...
I hear what you are saying. Although, I don't think I am looking at this through a selfish lens, I am not trying to figure out a way to make this happen and keep my current lifestyle, which isn't glamorous by any means, but I do want to be able to provide for my family. I want more than anything to go home and tell my wife "Call up your boss and tell them you aint coming back" but as a man and a provider, I have to weigh all options here and make sure that I don't get us into a situation where we are struggling to get food on the table or bills going unpaid. Making sure my wife has her medicine everyday and like someone mentioned above, I have to think about my wife's career. She does love her job. I don't know man, I am just torn. I know that plenty of kids go to daycare and I know that its an adjustment. It was an adjustment the 1st go round but she got used to it and talked about daycare all the time when we picked her up, but this time its just different. I can't explain it, just different.
 
I'll echo a lit of what others have said. My wife staying home is the best decision we have made (second maybe to not sharing a blanket lol). Not gonna lie though, its tough. Money has been tight and we've cut out a LOT of "just for fun" stuff. No cable, I pulled tags off all but one of my vehicles, she let go of all her box subscriptions, we keep a tight budget and rarely eat out. With my new position its gotten better, but its been real tight. Its always been our plan, and we were willing to make the sacrifice in the best interest of our child/ren.

Its also a lot of stress on me. I'm the only source of income and insurance. When bills can't get paid, its on me. Worth every bit of it and I wouldn't change it for nothing.

BUT, the payoff is worth more than all the sacrifice. Our boy is sharp as a tack and is very well disciplined as well. Its a world of difference between him and my niece is night and day. Not saying they are wrong as their kids are safe, loved, and fed, just different I ng parenting style.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I hear what you are saying. Although, I don't think I am looking at this through a selfish lens, I am not trying to figure out a way to make this happen and keep my current lifestyle, which isn't glamorous by any means, but I do want to be able to provide for my family. I want more than anything to go home and tell my wife "Call up your boss and tell them you aint coming back" but as a man and a provider, I have to weigh all options here and make sure that I don't get us into a situation where we are struggling to get food on the table or bills going unpaid. Making sure my wife has her medicine everyday and like someone mentioned above, I have to think about my wife's career. She does love her job. I don't know man, I am just torn. I know that plenty of kids go to daycare and I know that its an adjustment. It was an adjustment the 1st go round but she got used to it and talked about daycare all the time when we picked her up, but this time its just different. I can't explain it, just different.
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Might it be feasible to even do something like both of you back off to 30 hrs a week w/ alternate schedules, and find preschool for the remaining part?

Daycare has its problems, but also I gotta say, my daughter has friends that she has had literally since she was 3 b/c they went to the same preschool, then elementary school... thats kinda cool. Obviously you can make the associations other ways too.
 
I haven’t read through the thread. But IMHO the number one pro to day care is the immune system. Kids are exposed to so much there it helps build the immunity. I have no idea if this is back up in science. But anecdotal evidence tells me stay at home kids are sicker as adults.
 
Futbalfantic said:
I haven’t read through the thread. But IMHO the number one pro to day care is the immune system. Kids are exposed to so much there it helps build the immunity. I have no idea if this is back up in science. But anecdotal evidence tells me stay at home kids are sicker as adults.
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I think that depends on a lot of factors. We stayed home as kids but went to story time at the library, went to Sunday school, and played in the dirt. He's not necessarily talking about homeschool, just at home from age 2 to age 5.

Back to the OP, a couple of questions:

What does your wife want to do? Career? PT so she can go back later? Stay home?

Whatever happened with your daughter staying with grandparents part-time?

Whatever your finances are, can you make it work on just your salary? Not make what you want to work, can you cover the monthly bills with your salary? What can you cut, if it's anywhere close? Could your wife work part-time and get family to help to keep costs down if PT daycare isn't an option?
 
Don't beat yourself up and feel bad if you cannot make it work. MANY people go to daycare from birth to Kindergarten. If we were to create a list of all the things that go into raising children from birth to 18 yrs to become good responsible adults, and weight them on importance, I don't think staying home vs daycare from 0 to 5/6 yrs old would be at the top of the list as the most important one.

My mother stayed home with my sister and I.

My wife's mother worked. Her and her sister went to daycare.

My wife worked, and our son went to daycare. He is 9 yrs old now. Different subject, but we were not happy with the public school system, so we moved him to a private school. We have been very happy with that decision, and wish we had started him there in Kindergarten. It is a financial sacrifice in a similar way.
 
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trailhugger said:
I think that depends on a lot of factors. We stayed home as kids but went to story time at the library, went to Sunday school, and played in the dirt. He's not necessarily talking about homeschool, just at home from age 2 to age 5.

Back to the OP, a couple of questions:

What does your wife want to do? Career? PT so she can go back later? Stay home?

Whatever happened with your daughter staying with grandparents part-time?

Whatever your finances are, can you make it work on just your salary? Not make what you want to work, can you cover the monthly bills with your salary? What can you cut, if it's anywhere close? Could your wife work part-time and get family to help to keep costs down if PT daycare isn't an option?
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My wife is currently a Dental Assistant. Went to school for it... knew from an early age that she wanted to do that. She does love her job and her job has ALOT of perks...more so than most employers I would think. Part time wouldn't really work unless we had someone that would keep our daughter while wifey was at work and only if we could pay them in hugs.

Our situation with our parents is a little weird. My in laws are both retired, but not in great health. Her Mom doesn't know how she is going to feel from day to day and her dad has his hands full as "caregiver" (long story as to why that word is in quotations).

My Dad still works and Mom is disabled, so she can't take care of her by herself.

I could cover the bills on just my salary but that doesn't include Food, Gas, Diapers, and all that jazz. We have already cut cable and a lot of things we didn't "need" and we are just working on paying stuff down right now.
 
If you change the amount you are using to "pay stuff down," could that cover food, gas, diapers, etc.? Keeping in mind a 2-yo won't be in diapers forever and gas usage will change if your wife isn't working...

How's that grocery and cooking at home thing going?

I'm asking to help, not judging your choices. You said y'all were considering this but you've also said your wife likes her work. I like my work and went to school for it but I can work from home, pt, and now the kids are enrolled in online charter, so I do that with them, too.
 
We wanted our cake and to eat it too. Going in to having kids, we knew my wife would stay home, didn't quite work that way, but pretty close. There was about a 10 month transition between her maternity leave, me quitting my full time job and staying at home and a few months of care provided by grandparents. The $30-40k we'd be giving up annually, sucked. She stayed home full time for a while, started tinkering with her business some, but she still had a lot of want to work. So she got a part time gig at our church as Director of Children ministries. I told her once our girls started school, go for it, as long as it's work hours while they're in school. So now she banks 10-15hrs/wk and can take the youngest with her, while the oldest is at school. Our scenario worked out about as perfectly as it could. But I say all that to say, there are options out there where you don't have to necessarily 'sacrifice' or be 'selfish'...just be creative. There are part time jobs like my wife did, remote gigs, consultation work, etc etc. Hell...I have a friend who is uprooting moving out to Emerald Isle, just because they want to. He's maintaining his career as a financial advisor, going to keep his Charlotte office and be remote and open another in Emerald Isle. His wife is giving up her career (regional retail manager), but she landed a job as some sort of grant writer and she's not giving up much income and will set her own hours since she'll be 100% remote and only deadline driven.
 
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trailhugger said:
If you change the amount you are using to "pay stuff down," could that cover food, gas, diapers, etc.? Keeping in mind a 2-yo won't be in diapers forever and gas usage will change if your wife isn't working...

How's that grocery and cooking at home thing going?

I'm asking to help, not judging your choices. You said y'all were considering this but you've also said your wife likes her work. I like my work and went to school for it but I can work from home, pt, and now the kids are enrolled in online charter, so I do that with them, too.
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Possibly. but we would have no savings and if anything came up, (and you know how life likes to do this) we would be in trouble. Grocery shopping and eating at home is good. Could be better, but lately our budget that we set for ourselves every week has been a joke. With the wife and daughter being at home for the last 2.5 months or so...our fridge never seems to stay full and I have found myself going out mid week to pick up things that used to last us a full week. More water, more gas, more electricity.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
our fridge never seems to stay full and I have found myself going out mid week to pick up things that used to last us a full week. More water, more gas, more electricity.
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LOL ain't that the truth!
I just want to add also make the decision right for you and your family BUT don't become one of those wife stays at home and now the Dad/Husband works like 80hrs a week and gone like almost all the time...then when your home your too tired to do anything but eat and sleep. I'm just saying, what's the point of being a father and husband but never being around. I understand a lot of people I've spoken to seem to think that it's "honorable" or "do what you gotta do" and seldom times we all must do that but on a normal basis, being there for your kid and wife is just as important as providing for them. I have met many people who are just plain miserable...they got money and nice house and toys and blah blah but they're never there. Then 20yrs later, that kid can never talk about their parent cause all they can say is "dad worked his butt off but that's all I know, he was never home".
Yes this was my childhood with adopted folks growing up and yeah we had everything we needed/wanted but I hardly ever saw dad except maybe couple times a year on vacation...I longed for more family time than just having "stuff" and a lot of younger kids I've spoken to have agreed on same perspective. Just something to consider.
I think it's a great idea though for wife to be at home taking care of your child in the best way that both of you know is getting done right..if it's able to work for you guys.
 
marty79 said:
LOL ain't that the truth!
I just want to add also make the decision right for you and your family BUT don't become one of those wife stays at home and now the Dad/Husband works like 80hrs a week and gone like almost all the time...then when your home your too tired to do anything but eat and sleep. I'm just saying, what's the point of being a father and husband but never being around. I understand a lot of people I've spoken to seem to think that it's "honorable" or "do what you gotta do" and seldom times we all must do that but on a normal basis, being there for your kid and wife is just as important as providing for them. I have met many people who are just plain miserable...they got money and nice house and toys and blah blah but they're never there. Then 20yrs later, that kid can never talk about their parent cause all they can say is "dad worked his butt off but that's all I know, he was never home".
Yes this was my childhood with adopted folks growing up and yeah we had everything we needed/wanted but I hardly ever saw dad except maybe couple times a year on vacation...I longed for more family time than just having "stuff" and a lot of younger kids I've spoken to have agreed on same perspective. Just something to consider.
I think it's a great idea though for wife to be at home taking care of your child in the best way that both of you know is getting done right..if it's able to work for you guys.
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John this is an excellent post.
 
To go along with what JF and Ben said, there's also no reason you have to pick the one thing and stick with it forever. Temporary sacrifices for long-term benefits, etc. No one has all the answers, and especially not for your family.
 
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