Stay at Home Parents

[RatLabGuy]

Continuing with following options - instead of her, can you take time off to part time? Would you even want to do that? Or, is there any chance of shifting your hours to do later hours?
Following up on what Ben and the good Dr Kelly said, there are a number of ways to approach tbis.
When our son was born, i was in grad school and my wife was an early career teacher. Barely had any spare change.
We found a private sitter for while wife was at school, was a lot cheaper than a formal daycare. Basically a retired Mom who wanted to be like a grandma, kept him and another kid. . It took a bit to find the right person, but we made it work. We're still friends 14 years later.

 

[anvilrubi]

Wife works and we have 3 kids I work around 65 to 90 hours a week it’s just the normal for us. I don’t like to slow down I’m pretty high strung and I can’t do normal things like go out on Sunday all day with the family shopping that shit kills me. I love my kids and wife but if I’m not in the field I don’t really know what to do

 

[Andy J.]

There are pros and cons to both daycare and having a SAHP. I really think it’s a personal decision and you shouldn’t feel guilty either way. Only you really know what’s best for your family right now. As was mentioned up thread, it doesn’t have to be a permanent decision either. If it doesn’t make sense financially right now, that’s ok. Maybe it will next year or the year after.

My kids are a mixed bag. We had someone to stay at home with my daughter until she was 9 months old, then she went to daycare until Kindergarten. My son went to daycare as soon as he was able, then my wife became a SAHP when he was 2 1/2ish years old. 4 years later, she is (was, pre-COVID) working part time in the evenings a few days per week. We couldn’t justify my wife quitting work for one kid, but two kids in daycare is $$ and made the decision easier from a financial point of view.

Not all people are cutout to be a SAHP either. Nothing wrong with that, just be honest about who you are and what you want out of life.

 

[77GreenMachine]

If you and your wife want to make it happen, you just find a way. It takes sacrifice.

My wife has been a stay home parent for a while now. She was the bread winner just a few years ago until I got into sales and surpassed her. She was a CPA at a large private tax firm. We’d just gotten debt free and I had all these ideas swirling around. We were gonna save X amount, I was finally gonna buy an LBZ Duramax later that year and the following May I was gonna take a few weeks off and go wheeling in Colorado.

Literally a month or so into being debt free my wife said she wanted to talk. She said she felt like God was telling her she needed to quit her job and focus more on our kids. I was on board. Sure I was bummed a little about “my plans” but that’s not what it’s all about. So instead of a Duramax I got the busted old truck in my sig, and instead of going wheeling out west I go wheeling local(ish) more often.

You know the crazy thing? Life didn’t change a great deal. It just worked out. I realize it’s a bit different being debt free, but you can figure out how to make it work. Even before my wife quit, she had already began reducing her hours so she could pick my daughter up from school.

It all turned out to be extremely worth it. My son has some special needs, we are still sorting thru all of that and learning, but he’s required a bit more attention and things that would not have happened in daycare or staying with a family member.

Now, when school starts this year he and my daughter can go to the same school, which will allow my wife to return to working reduced hours. She left on a good note, and has actually worked on contracted terms Jan-April each year during the last few years of this. But now it’s over, and they are welcoming her to return to working the full year.

Here’s the deal.... you don’t get a second chance to wish you’d done this differently.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

LOL ain't that the truth!
I just want to add also make the decision right for you and your family BUT don't become one of those wife stays at home and now the Dad/Husband works like 80hrs a week and gone like almost all the time...then when your home your too tired to do anything but eat and sleep. I'm just saying, what's the point of being a father and husband but never being around. I understand a lot of people I've spoken to seem to think that it's "honorable" or "do what you gotta do" and seldom times we all must do that but on a normal basis, being there for your kid and wife is just as important as providing for them. I have met many people who are just plain miserable...they got money and nice house and toys and blah blah but they're never there. Then 20yrs later, that kid can never talk about their parent cause all they can say is "dad worked his butt off but that's all I know, he was never home".
Yes this was my childhood with adopted folks growing up and yeah we had everything we needed/wanted but I hardly ever saw dad except maybe couple times a year on vacation...I longed for more family time than just having "stuff" and a lot of younger kids I've spoken to have agreed on same perspective. Just something to consider.
I think it's a great idea though for wife to be at home taking care of your child in the best way that both of you know is getting done right..if it's able to work for you guys.

You know its funny you mention this... My brother in law works for a company and makes good money now but is gone for weeks at a time and his wife stays at home with 5 kids and has another one on the way...My wife was talking to her SIL and she told her that there was always a job for me there and my wife likes to beat around the bush a little bit as to not hurt anyone's feelings, but the truth is....it's not that he's a bad father....but he prefers to not have to deal with anything. He likes going off working in Georgia for 2 weeks, comes home, slams his check on the table and then goes and does what he wants. Even before his current job, whenever we would ever go over to their house, he was always out in the garage avoiding the kids and any responsibility that goes along with them...So I have made it clear that I have no interest in being away from my family for weeks at a time just so my wife can stay at home and raise our daughter and I'll see em when I can. I refuse.


You know, and the last 3 days have not made it any easier. We drop her off at daycare and she screams and cries and calls out to us. Having to drive to work after that just rips my heart out and have to pretend that I haven't been crying when I get to work. Wife is a wreck and is just plain sad...I know this is all pretty normal behavior for a 2 year old going somewhere new and us not being able to be with her, but I have this feeling deep down in my gut that I can't explain.

@RatLabGuy Well, I hold the current load of insurance for our family. Its cheaper and better than what my wife could offer all of us together with her job. I also get money put into an HSA account for me by my employer as well as what I put in there which pays for my wife's medicines every month, plus I know that being a SAHP is something my wife would be much better at than I and would want her in that role.

Before this whole COVID thing went down, she was going to an in home daycare with a lady we met who had been doing this since 96. Turned out to be one of my friends mom. We loved it. But when the wife was at home after her office closing temporarily and not wanting our child exposed to anything and bringing it home, we took her out for the time being. Also, allowed us to save money, because at the time, we didn't know how any of this was going to work out with my wife bringing home a paycheck. Well, when my wife found out when she was going back, (They originally told them it was looking like August for a return back to work date) the lady didn't have a spot for her anymore, so it was off to find a new place to go.

I don't know. I feel like I'm just stuck and all I want to do it fix it. I want everyone to be happy and feel good about the day and where everyone is at and get back to the way it was. I want my wife to be happy and I want my child to be happy. I remember being 4 or 5 and going to multiple day cares and I hated it. I remember feeling like my parents weren't coming back and I was stuck there and I remember that feeling and the thought of my own daughter feeling that tears me up.

I know my wife and I will figure it all out. Just sucks right now. Hopefully with a little prayer and open eyes, we can find something that works for everyone.

 

[drkelly]

You know its funny you mention this... My brother in law works for a company and makes good money now but is gone for weeks at a time and his wife stays at home with 5 kids and has another one on the way...My wife was talking to her SIL and she told her that there was always a job for me there and my wife likes to beat around the bush a little bit as to not hurt anyone's feelings, but the truth is....it's not that he's a bad father....but he prefers to not have to deal with anything. He likes going off working in Georgia for 2 weeks, comes home, slams his check on the table and then goes and does what he wants. Even before his current job, whenever we would ever go over to their house, he was always out in the garage avoiding the kids and any responsibility that goes along with them.

Not being there and avoiding his kids when he is home is being a BAD father! He sounds like a very selfish person.

 

[drkelly]

You know, and the last 3 days have not made it any easier. We drop her off at daycare and she screams and cries and calls out to us. Having to drive to work after that just rips my heart out and have to pretend that I haven't been crying when I get to work. Wife is a wreck and is just plain sad...I know this is all pretty normal behavior for a 2 year old going somewhere new and us not being able to be with her, but I have this feeling deep down in my gut that I can't explain.

You are not alone. I experienced that myself a few times over the years and cried after leaving while driving to work. Heck, I cried on my way to work the first day I dropped him off for Kindergarten even though he was happy and smiling when I left. The absolutely vast majority of days I dropped him off at daycare though, he was happy to see his friends and immediately began playing with them.

 

[awheelterd]

You are not alone. I experienced that myself a few times over the years and cried after leaving while driving to work. Heck, I cried on my way to work the first day I dropped him off for Kindergarten even though he was happy and smiling when I left. The absolutely vast majority of days I dropped him off at daycare though, he was happy to see his friends and immediately began playing with them.

I think the quality of the daycare and the people who work there make all the differece. Our daycare is at a church and the people that work there are fantastic. While home on quarantine my 3yr old told us he missed his friends quite a bit but he told us he missed Miss Annette almost every day. He would pray every night that he could go back to school and see his friends and Miss Annette almost every night. He couldn't get out of the truck fast enough Monday morning. That definitely helps with the sad and guilty feeling you get dropping them off. Our 1yr olds teacher has been texting and sending pictures to my wife all morning letting her know how Stephen has been doing. So far all his pictures have been all smiles. He's a busy body so new places and people excite him.

 

[NCJeeplover]

You know the crazy thing? Life didn’t change a great deal.

When my wife quit her job to stay at home I was sweating it, but the same thing happend to us. It wasn't that different. Things get tight and sometime you have no idea how its going to work out, but it always seems to.

but I have this feeling deep down in my gut that I can't explain.

plus I know that being a SAHP is something my wife would be much better at than I and would want her in that role.

I believe you've answered your own thread......

 

[UTfball68]

You know its funny you mention this... My brother in law works for a company and makes good money now but is gone for weeks at a time and his wife stays at home with 5 kids and has another one on the way...My wife was talking to her SIL and she told her that there was always a job for me there and my wife likes to beat around the bush a little bit as to not hurt anyone's feelings, but the truth is....it's not that he's a bad father....but he prefers to not have to deal with anything. He likes going off working in Georgia for 2 weeks, comes home, slams his check on the table and then goes and does what he wants. Even before his current job, whenever we would ever go over to their house, he was always out in the garage avoiding the kids and any responsibility that goes along with them...So I have made it clear that I have no interest in being away from my family for weeks at a time just so my wife can stay at home and raise our daughter and I'll see em when I can. I refuse.

I flat out couldn't do that today, but I won't say it's selfish either. I did it for most of my 20's, absolutely loved it. Who knew what city I'd be in, making more cash than any 20-something should. Had my wife (then girlfriend) waiting at home, whenever I got back. If she missed me, I'd fly her out to where ever I was for a long weekend. It was a good life, and banked enough points where I just now started paying for hotels and flights again. These days, I easily leave an additional 80% of my annual salary on the table, but I'd miss out on morning snuggles on the couch and screeching giggles and leg hugs when I get home...and those are worth way more to me than a pay check. But I won't knock the guy chasing a paycheck either...it might be the only way he has available to put his kids through college or marry off a couple daughters or send them through private school, or who knows what. Maybe he is a complete sack of shit, but I don't think providing for your family is necessarily selfish.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

I flat out couldn't do that today, but I won't say it's selfish either. I did it for most of my 20's, absolutely loved it. Who knew what city I'd be in, making more cash than any 20-something should. Had my wife (then girlfriend) waiting at home, whenever I got back. If she missed me, I'd fly her out to where ever I was for a long weekend. It was a good life, and banked enough points where I just now started paying for hotels and flights again. These days, I easily leave an additional 80% of my annual salary on the table, but I'd miss out on morning snuggles on the couch and screeching giggles and leg hugs when I get home...and those are worth way more to me than a pay check. But I won't knock the guy chasing a paycheck either...it might be the only way he has available to put his kids through college or marry off a couple daughters or send them through private school, or who knows what. Maybe he is a complete sack of shit, but I don't think providing for your family is necessarily selfish.

I agree, but he has said it many times when I've been in earshot that he simply is going to do what he wants to do. He feels that if he makes the money and that allows his wife not to work...then she is to take care of the kids. I can tell you right now that he doesn't work to save. I think he just recently started a 401k in the last 2 years or so. Dude is almost 40. I have never viewed him as anything close to Father of the year, he just doesn't give off that vibe. Thinking back to all the family get togethers we've had, wherever the kids are, you can guarantee he is in a different room. But, if his wife is ok with it and he is ok with it, and it works for the kids...then hey, whatever floats your boat.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

So, after much praying and talking. The wife and I have decided to keep our little girl in daycare. It just didn't make sense financially for her to stay at home. Also, luckily our daughter has done a complete 180 and actually WANTS to go to daycare in the mornings. She talks about her friends, the schools bus, and the bird house. We get a daily report of everything she ate, did, and how much she slept as well as diaper changes, which is nice. She is learning a lot and really been impressed with the daycare she is attending. I appreciate everyone's input on here and really gave my wife and I a lot to think about and hopefully one day, she will be able to stay home and take care of our child(ren)