The Official Joke Of The Day Thread, Post Up!

ponykilr

Guest
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be the next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
 
Wes said:
Yankees are like hemorrhoids.

When they come down and go back up its not a problem, but when they come down and stay they're a pain in the ass.
Click to expand...

My dad was famous for saying "I95 goes north, why don't you try it" to damn yankees.
 
Went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at
a Mosque. They were called "Bomb Jovi".

Brilliant songs like “Losing my head over you,”
“Rocket Launcher Man,” “You’re 6, You’re
beautiful, and you’re mine.”

Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat"
almost brought the house down.
 
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the
difference between "complete" and "finished."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in
London, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin,
a Guyanese linguist, was the
presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the audience was
this: Some say there is no difference between
complete and finished. Please
explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

Mr. Balgobins response: When you marry the
right woman, you are complete. If you marry the wrong
woman, you are finished. And, if
the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are "Completely finished".


His answer received a five minute standing ovation
 
Ms. Sampson a sixth grade science teacher, asked her class,
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10
times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raised their hand, so Ms Sampson called on the first
student who looked her way.
"Mary, can you tell me which part of the human body expands to 10
times of its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stood up blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question!"
she said. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the
principal, who will have you fired!"
Ms. Sampson was shocked by Mary's outburst, but undaunted she
asked the class the question again, and this time Sam raised his hand.
Ma'am the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good Sam, thank you," Replied Ms Sampson.
She then turned to Mary and says, " Mary, I have three things to tell
you. First it is clear that you have NOT done your homework.
Second you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are
going to be sadly disappointed!"
 
I'll share a few of the gems that have been circulating our house... Starting with this one:



What does the snail say when it's riding on a turtle's back?


Wheeeeeeee!
 
When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black
Chicago Church, I decided to check him out in person
and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why,
maybe it was because I was the only
white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of
Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will
walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came
by and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there
is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold,
my car had been stolen ! ! !
 
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a
gas station that was closed for the night. They
approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated
his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Angry at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that!
I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed
his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the
younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt,
smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened
his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older,
wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young,
fried alien. 'He almost killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler
on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing
I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never
mess with a guy who can loop his dick over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,

has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job

in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and

would therefore never have to testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the

missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."



The lawyer, using sign language,

asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are

talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know

what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's

head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido,

"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK!

You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed at my

cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,

"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to

pull the trigger."
 
A bus full of Nuns were involved in a fiery crash, killing all on board.
All of the Nuns were lined up at the pearly gates awaiting their turn to speak to St. Peter.
St. Peter says to the first Nun in line "Sister, confess your sins".
The first Nun turned red, looked down and said "Father I've viewed a penis".
St. Peter said "Sister, you've lived a holy life. Not to worry, you are forgiven. Just rinse your eyes out in this bucket of holy water and you may pass."
The pearly gates open up and the first Nun enters.

The second Nun steps up.
St. Peter says to the second Nun in line "Sister, confess your sins".
The second Nun turned red, looked down and said "Father I've touched a penis".
St. Peter said "Sister, you've lived a holy life. Not to worry, you are forgiven. Just rinse your hands off in this bucket of holy water and you may pass."
The pearly gates open up and the second Nun enters.

Well, on down the line one of the Nun's can see where this is going.
She taps the Nun in front of her on the shoulder and politely asks, "Do you mind if I hop in front of you? I'd like to rinse my mouth out before you dip your ass in that bucket."

Badum Ting
 
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves.

"Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived
in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in
hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day
long.

"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be
in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the
bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I
can handle this.”

"The devil smiled
and said................

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 
Mrs. ponykilr and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. We went up to him and I said,
"Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished,
sneered at us and walked away. Just then our
bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Obama stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day....
 
Bill Clinton and the hooker

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and
the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former
Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for
five bucks!?"
 
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and
clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
"You're driving me
mad Willie!”


One day Willie's mom came to school to check on how he was
doing.


The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a
disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a
stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from
school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.


25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost
incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart
surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which
was successful.


When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor
smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started
to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly
died .


The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so
suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Wille, a janitor in
the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect
his vacuum cleaner.




What? You didn't think Willie became a heart surgeon did you?






:)
 
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers."
Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins exclaimed.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the '60s and we feel you are entitled to share in the catch."
Stunned, Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
Seems this thread got hung up... it's time for recovery.....

Subject: Making baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and finally decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Fifteen minutes later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, clearly embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' questioned the photographer. 'Well, that's good. You know, babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'You just leave everything to me. I usually break the ice and try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, the couch … and the living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith, trying to take it all in ...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. Me, I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith very quietly under her breath.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

Without even looking at the photo …. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement...

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours straight, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. First the mosquitos were a little bit of a problem. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted dead away !!!
 
Two muffins in the oven, one muffin said "boy it sure is hot in here" the other muffin said " holy shit, a talking muffin".......:







Thank you I'll be here all week..... Don't forget to tip your waitress....
 
A battery and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar, bouncer immediately kicks them out, battery says "WTH man we just walked in" bouncer says "Looks like you guys are here to start something" badump ching.
 
Another one.... old one, very old.....

Der Night Before Christmas
(Dot Little Fur Cap)

Der next night vas Christmas
Der night is vas schtill
Der stockings vas hung
By der chimney to fill.

Der shildren vas snuggled
All up in der bed
And mama in nightgown
And I up ahead...

Vas searchink around
In der dark for der toys
Ve krept around kviet
Not to make any noise.

Und mudder vas carrying
Der toys in her gown
Showink her person
From up her vaist down.

Und ven she came near
Der crib of our boy
Our youngest und sveetest
Our pride und our choy...

His eyes vide open
As he peeked from his cot...
Und seen everythink
Dot his mudder has got!

He didn't even notice
Der toys in her lap...
He chust asked,
"For whom ist dot little fur cap?"

Und mudder said "hush"
Und she laughed mit delight...
I tink I give dat
To your father tonight!
 
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and say, "Hey, aren't you one of those famous philosopher mathematician guys? John Locke, right?
Descartes looks at him and scoffs, "Locke? Ha. I think not."

...and Poof - he ceases to exist.
 
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