The Official Joke Of The Day Thread, Post Up!

So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "Go to hell, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
 
Horrible Accident!

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
 
Texting a Confession



THE CONFESSION

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than... you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much....I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS

Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:-

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan
 
This is old (1997), it actually happened, and it's funny... read on...

THE LETTER
----------
Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when
the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection
may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or
any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case
being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

THE RESPONSE
------------
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or
contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.
My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable
beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there
really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition -- please contact the beavers --
but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter being unable to read English). In my humble
opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and
water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and
enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as
far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your day office via another government organization -- the dam USPS.
Maybe, someday, it will get there.
Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at Austin
Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
PO Box 7367
Austin, TX 78713
 
Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young
pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to
her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this
morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.





The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.


Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
>
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
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A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says no. “The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill."No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills." The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.
"What are they?" he says."Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
 
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drove his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greeted him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is." Top of the mornin' tooyer, sir" said the attendant.

Tiger nodded a quick, 'hello' and bent forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he did so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground." What be those?" asked the attendant.
" They're called tees," replied Tiger.
" Well, what on this God's earth are dey for?" inquired the Irishman.
" They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," said Tiger.


" Be Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Mercedes think of everything !"
 
 
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’
‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins,they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.
"You-a gonna try again!"
 
Thoughts for the day....
A Curmudgeon's Perspective
1.
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3.
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
4.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
6.
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?
10.
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
 
Resurrecting this thread...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"

"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."


The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
 
So John is this forever optimist...

He comes into work one day....

Bob: "hey John, last night Randy caught his wife in bed with another man and shot and killed them both, then himself!"

John: "well that's terrible.... But it could've been worse."

Bob: "how could it have possibly been worse?!?"

John: "had it been the night before, I'd be dead!”
 
a_kelley said:
So John is this forever optimist...

He comes into work one day....

Bob: "hey John, last night Randy caught his wife in bed with another man and shot and killed them both, then himself!"

John: "well that's terrible.... But it could've been worse."

Bob: "how could it have possibly been worse?!?"

John: "had it been the night before, I'd be dead!”
Click to expand...
And for a moment I thought this was turning into another Fuller thread!
 
Bump

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a bar.

"You know," one says, "I love Guiness. It takes me back to Ireland, where I was raised."

"You're kidding!" says the second patron. "I was born in Ireland too!"

The men toast Ireland, laugh, and keep drinking. The bartender shakes his head.

"So where in Ireland are you from?"

"Well, I grew up in Dublin."

"Dublin! You're kidding! I'M from Dublin!!!" and they drink, laugh, and toast some more, all the while with the bartender shaking his head.

"So much to remember about Dublin. I myself grew up in the Shankill area..."

"WHAT?! You too?! I'm from Shankill! I grew up in a small house off of Corbawn Lane!"

"Corbawn Lane?!?! Me too!!!" And the two patrons kept laughing about their childhood and drinking further.

The bartender takes a break from the front of the bar and goes into the back room to speak with the owner, who asks, "Is anything interesting happening out there tonight?"

"Well, not really. It's just the O'Malley brothers getting drunk again."
 
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