Is it safe to assume that the 2 decades of discontent coincide with two decades of taking care of the best interests of your family/kids, but now that the kids are essentially out of the house the focus can shift back to you? I would imagine 90+ hour work weeks while trying to be a dad would have been the thief then.
Edit: glad you are working your tail off now and enjoying it though!
It's a fair point and perspective.
Ive always been a grinder and worked long hours. I was blessed through most of my kids childhood to be in roles that allowed extreme flexibility. Leave the job at 3 to make a ball game? cool. Just fire up the computer at 9 when they are tucked in and work til midnight.
I always prioritized being Dad first. Over everything including my health, sleep, comfort etc.
I still do. It's just different now. My oldest is on his own and killing it, my youngest is interning with my company (and sitting one office over) before leaving in a few weeks to move to TX for grad school.
But whatever I do - I obsess over. For years I had a job working for someone else. I was under no pressure from the company and recognized as a top performer. Yet I still felt behind and driven to just be enough….enough for me, not them. I tried to dial it back. To take it easy. To accept that I had done enough. I couldn’t I was miserable. So instead I simply decided if I was going to work that hard, it might as well be for myself.
I'm not sure I understand this one. That might be because there's a back story I don't know, or as you started you can only speak for yourself.
My question is, why is a 90+ hour work week good for you?
Not that I disagree with "Comfort is a thief" but to play devils advocate, Is there something wrong with going through life comfortable and content?
It leads me to the Question; What are we doing here? As People, what are we doing here? Why are we the one species the has to strive for that sense of accomplishment to create something? But that might be getting too philosophical.
Mentally I get everything you say. Hell deep down I’m a little jealous I can’t live what you (and I) intellectually understand.
All I can say, is if you are wired a certain weird way - you get it. Matt and I have beats this up for years. Literally hours on this single topic.We are very different in many things but as much as anything this single ida bonds he and I to a kinship.
The closest I’ve ever came to explaining it to someone who doesn’t feel it is this way, so I will try it here and see where it lands.
I read a research paper years ago on the topic on constructive discontentment. It resonated. Usually the most successful people in any chosen field are the least satisfied with their performance in that field. The tortured artist moniker is real. The suicidal world renowned musician. The obsessed CEO. They all have …whatever this gene or mis-wire is.
For me, I have this internal North Star that my best is the only thing acceptable. Acceptable is the key word. Anything less than my absolute best tortures me. If I write an email or have an employee coaching session there is a 100% chance I have re-read, evaluated, critiqued it and dwelled on it long since any other participant even remembers it. If anything is a race, it doesn’t matter to me if I finish first or last. I literally am not impacted at all by my relative position. But if I know that at any moment I slowed down one iota less than my absolute max, I am miserable with myself and judge myself quite harshly. How could you be so weak, so slow to not give your best. If I won the race by miles I am unfulfilled. In contrast when I know I gave my absolute best, did the best I could do, can sleep wth myself on that task…even if I finish last I give zero shits. I did my best.
To be a little more personal than honestly I’m comfortable being in a public forum, I grew up in absolute filth, squalor and misery. Not all of it financial but that was certainly a huge part. In contrast I have built a life for me and my kids that is the opposite. Incredibly comfortable. Not bragging here, but setting the stage, recently had a conversation with my mom as she is approaching retirement 67 social security final tier. She was showing me her docs and I froze. She knew something was wrong but I wouldn’t share. The truth is I saw my mom’s lifetime earnings. This is a woman who has never been unemployed a day in her life since she was 15. At times in my childhood she worked 3 jobs. There have been 2 years in my career where I earned more in each of those years than she has earned in 52 years combined. I’ve been blessed, but I’ve worked my tail off and earned every cent of it. Despite that, I dont feel like a success. I wonder what if I had made X move sooner. How much better could it be. And use so we are clear…I’m one of the least materialistic people you will meet. My work boots I wore today have a split seam and leak water. I could easily afford a new pair - but the thought of buying them seems weak. Look at you wanting new shoes because your foot got wet. How many kids dont have shoes at all. That’s my inner monologue.
So I bought and then built a company, I employee 35 people today. We’ve structured it so that ur employees are blessed to be part of it. I wont put the details in public, but our benefits and pay aren’t matched in our market, even by companies 25x our size. Despite that we are still profitable. That’s something to be proud of, right? Not for me. My new voice says - You conceited Assholes’s to even think of being proud. Look how many more people Bezos, or Gates, or Walton employed. If you hadn’t relaxed so much you could have too - how dare you think to be proud.
The way my mind is wired, I don’t want more, I dont want to be better. I just want to be acceptably decent and I dont think I’m there yet. Maybe one day.
Objectively I can step back look at what I’ve done, and if it was a friend I’d b in awe. But to me, its just failure and missed opportunity to do more, help more people, be happier, be healthier, be better to maybe one day be decent.
So why work 90 hours? Because there is always more I could do. You lazy bum, go home and rest? Why dont you sweep the warehouse before you leave so your warehouse manager doesn’t have to tomorrow, hell you made the mess anyway. That’s the voice in my head.
Ok there is the ramblings of a partially mad man. But a man who is at peace with his inner turmoil. Accepting of his affliction. And knows attempting to change is futile s not wasting time trying.
of appreciation and like, the 
for the entire story, the 
for the holy shit man! The sad or angry for not having the same ambition. That was a great post. Thank you.
