Raising a Child

[Cherokeekid88]

Having a 2 year old (almost 3) Daughter is alot of fun and I never thought I could love someone so much., but I worry just like every other parent but especially in this day and age. I worry about her being exposed to things I want so badly to protect her from and I worry that me being that over protective dad is only going to push her away from me. I am trying to soak up every moment I can with her now, because I know as she gets older, it's not going to be cool to be hanging out with dad anymore. The days of her running up to me and hugging me and just being so genuinely excited to see me are numbered. I think a lot about social media and kids and I just read a story this morning where a NY boy killed himself because of bullying and I know kids don't like talking to their parents about stuff like that. I mean, I never really talked to my parents about stuff that was going on in my life as a kid. Just a crazy world that we are living in and I feel so bad for kids growing up in this world. How are you parents out there with kids old enough handling these types of things? Do you let your child fall and learn from the mistake or do you try and prevent the fall from even happening in the first place?

 

[DSM Turbos]

You have to let them fail, but there to support them if they do. You never know if they actually will fail until they do, and you can't go around constantly assuming they will fail. Be there to support them if they do fail, and encourage them that you are there judgement free to talk to if they need you, or if they want to talk to somebody that isn't you that is okay also and you can help arrange if they want somebody professional if they want. You aren't always going to be there to prevent the kid from failing so constantly doing that to them is just going to set them up to never be able to do things on their own.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

You have to let them fail, but there to support them if they do. You never know if they actually will fail until they do, and you can't go around constantly assuming they will fail. Be there to support them if they do fail, and encourage them that you are there judgement free to talk to if they need you, or if they want to talk to somebody that isn't you that is okay also and you can help arrange if they want somebody professional if they want. You aren't always going to be there to prevent the kid from failing so constantly doing that to them is just going to set them up to never be able to do things on their own.

This has sort of been my thought process. I am constantly putting my hand over edges of tables or walls when I am walking with her, because I know she doesn't always pay attention to what she's doing and I can't stand to see her hurt, but I know that I can't be that overbearing parent either. but more importantly, I just fear the kind of environment my daughter is growing up in.

 

[buellconvert]

It's definitely a scary time to be a parent and all the social media crap only adds to that...all I can say is to always be honest with them, let them see that you too make mistakes and that you must take accountability for those mistakes and actions. Raise them to be good, caring little people and like was said earlier, let them fail, it's going to happen, just be there to offer help when and if they ask for it.

 

[RatLabGuy]

Let them fail. Try and prevent the really big ones that are truly hazardous.

This has sort of been my thought process. I am constantly putting my hand over edges of tables or walls when I am walking with her, because I know she doesn't always pay attention to what she's doing and I can't stand to see her hurt, but I know that I can't be that overbearing parent either. but more importantly, I just fear the kind of environment my daughter is growing up in.

Its hard, but stop it with the hand thing.
Once she bangs her head a few times, she won't anymore.
Pain and unpleasant feelings are an important feedback mechanism. Its hard as a parent but you gotta let it happen.

I'm going to be honest with you, this never really goes away or gets easier. And thats how you know you're a halfway decent parent. The fact that you worry a little is good. What will happen is that the scary things just change to other scary things, and get even bigger and scarier. Wait until that first sleepover at a firned's house, or when you drop them off to go skiing or some other dangerous thing, and then when they start to drive, and all kinds of stuff.
The best thing you can do is train them to take care of themselves, and that starts with the little stuff now that they learn through experience.

For those of us that have been leaders in a Scout Troop this is a very difficult lesson to learn IF the Troop is riun the "right" way and the boys do everything. Bc what that really means is that everything is half-assed and poorly run, and you feel like the whole program is always teeterng on the bring of disaster. When you open the door to a trailer and tel la bunch of teenagers," OK load it." get ready to cringe and bite your lip, and decide if the poor packing job will result in a real danger, or just a lesson when they get to camp and half their stuff can't be found and takes 2x as long to unkoad and organize.

 

[CasterTroy]

Let them fail
Let them fall
Let them experience what the word "HOT" means....as painful as it is to watch them learn it..the earlier they learn what it means, the faster they progress.

I've got a 24yr old, a 22yr old and a soon to be 20yr old. The worry NEVER stops.

One HUGE thing I have learned that gave me a great advantage over others with kids my age; I was ALWAYS honest with them. Like BRUTALLY honest. Our middle child was not going to be fooled by "santa" any more after she was 6. She asked and wanted a straight answer. we gave it to her. And made her promise not to tell her older brother or younger sister.

My son asked what beer tasted like when he was 8. Handed him a Red oak. Didn't develop a taste for it until he was 20

Sometimes you don't WANT to know things...but when you've promised your child you would tell them anything they wanted to know, just ask...believe me it gets reciprocated.

One thing to remember (that I had to remind my wife of DAILY) is NEVER ask a middle schooler, or teenager more than 3 questions. Over what time period you ask? YES. I've had so many parents ask me how I was able to remain so close to my kids, and not have them push me away. Simple. Never ask more than 3 questions. And if possible, never let those questions have a simple answer. I.E. "Did you have a good day?" Answer can be : yes or no. Instead, ask; Tell me who won the award for being a dillweed today?

And yes...as they get older they will have less to do with you. Their friends take priority, and many times their friends (and society) paints parents as adversary's. However...you CAN have a relationship with your child, not try to be "buddy dad" and also have their respect. You just have to remember respect is mutual. Trust is mutual. And love is a CHOICE. Give them a reason to love you by taking them at their word, trusting THEM with decisions, and letting them make mistakes and learning from them. And encourage them! tell them you are proud of them (regardless of whether they lived up to YOUR expectations) and tell them you got their back no matter what. It's so very hard to watch your children "learn the hard way" sometimes......but SO very worth it to see them grow and mature.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

Let them fail
Let them fall
Let them experience what the word "HOT" means....as painful as it is to watch them learn it..the earlier they learn what it means, the faster they progress.

I've got a 24yr old, a 22yr old and a soon to be 20yr old. The worry NEVER stops.

One HUGE thing I have learned that gave me a great advantage over others with kids my age; I was ALWAYS honest with them. Like BRUTALLY honest. Our middle child was not going to be fooled by "santa" any more after she was 6. She asked and wanted a straight answer. we gave it to her. And made her promise not to tell her older brother or younger sister.

My son asked what beer tasted like when he was 8. Handed him a Red oak. Didn't develop a taste for it until he was 20

Sometimes you don't WANT to know things...but when you've promised your child you would tell them anything they wanted to know, just ask...believe me it gets reciprocated.

One thing to remember (that I had to remind my wife of DAILY) is NEVER ask a middle schooler, or teenager more than 3 questions. Over what time period you ask? YES. I've had so many parents ask me how I was able to remain so close to my kids, and not have them push me away. Simple. Never ask more than 3 questions. And if possible, never let those questions have a simple answer. I.E. "Did you have a good day?" Answer can be : yes or no. Instead, ask; Tell me who won the award for being a dillweed today?

And yes...as they get older they will have less to do with you. Their friends take priority, and many times their friends (and society) paints parents as adversary's. However...you CAN have a relationship with your child, not try to be "buddy dad" and also have their respect. You just have to remember respect is mutual. Trust is mutual. And love is a CHOICE. Give them a reason to love you by taking them at their word, trusting THEM with decisions, and letting them make mistakes and learning from them. And encourage them! tell them you are proud of them (regardless of whether they lived up to YOUR expectations) and tell them you got their back no matter what. It's so very hard to watch your children "learn the hard way" sometimes......but SO very worth it to see them grow and mature.

Makes a lot of sense. I want to be close to my girl. I want her to be able to come to me when something is wrong, I don't want to be one of those distant parents and then sit back years later and wonder why they turned out the way they did...or worse. I honestly feel like my daughter now is more of a daddy's girl than a momma's girl. She normally lays with me and wants to be around me and I love every second of it. I want to be her best friend always, but I know that won't be the case, but I do want to have a close relationship with her and I guess I just need to figure that out.

 

[Bebop]

Makes a lot of sense. I want to be close to my girl. I want her to be able to come to me when something is wrong, I don't want to be one of those distant parents and then sit back years later and wonder why they turned out the way they did...or worse.

My parents were very protective and overly caring. Result is the exact opposite of what you're trying to do.
I like everything that @CasterTroy said.


Edit : Don't get me wrong, I still learned a lot during my years with them, and still have a good relationship with my mother, but I left the house at 17 because I needed to breathe and experience the world on my own. And I went far far away.

 

[CasterTroy]

She normally lays with me and wants to be around me and I love every second of it. I want to be her best friend always, but I know that won't be the case, but I do want to have a close relationship with her and I guess I just need to figure that out.

Savor every single second. Forget the world outside of her exists in those very precious moments....because I promise you, you will never get one second of that back.

My youngest still comes home from college and snuggles up next to me on the couch. I turn the TV to netflix and tell her to pick something she likes and I'll watch as many episodes as she wants. The key is to always be present WHEN she still wants time with you. If she knows she is your priority, she will always remember that.

 

[CasterTroy]

My parents were very protective and overly caring. Result is the exact opposite of what you're trying to do.

Same....that's why I vowed to be the polar opposite.

 

[paulevans76]

The social media stuff scares me as well. Mine are 9, 5, 4. I figure by the time the younger 2 are teenagers, the specific things I worry about now may not actually be things anymore. There will always be new shit to worry about.

The current younger generation is dealing with all of the social media growing pains, and I hate it for them. I have teenage nieces and nephews, etc, and the ones that have no boundaries and live in their phones are not doing great.

I'm mindful to the balance around allowing them to be "normal" (tablets, nintendo) while trying to keep them involved in "real life" activities as much as possible while I still can - sports, being outside playing with their neighborhood buddies, hitting the trails with dear old dad.

But yeah, there will always be stuff to worry about, and they grow up QUICK, so get all those little kid snuggles while you can!

 

[UTfball68]

I have younger children, but two of the most common things said in my house are:

1) “Think it through, until you need my help”. And that’s usually followed up with questions and logic checks. I feel it helps their decision making skills for when I’m not there.
2) “Are you hurt or are you injured?” I use this physically and emotionally, to help bottom line the problem, so they can assess whether it’s a big deal or not. Then discuss processing those emotions and feelings.

We all know as parents, we’re not always going to be there. In my opinion, the sooner the kid figures out how to navigate and process the crappy things in life, the better.

Edit...so far when it comes to electronics, they’re only allowed electronics time if it’s educational. Ya know, the 3 R’s...readin, ritin and rithmatick. But we’ll allow them to perform the keystrokes to familiarize themselves with the equipment.

Double edit...that’s not to say I don’t cherish the moments with my girls, you’ll be hard pressed to find me outside of work without them. We’re constantly together, but I believe a lesson can be instilled at all times, and I want them to know and learn the stuff I wish I knew before I had to learn it.

 

[1-tonmudder]

wait till they go to school and their bff is the child of someone you know about,not only know but KNOW ABOUT.

 

[obullfish]

Damn I’m still glad I never had any kids.

 

[Futbalfantic]

My only 2 cents is consistency. Rules, punishment, reward. If you don’t plan on doing it every time, have no intention of following through, or may back track. Don’t do it. Sets bad examples and they (she) will push the boundary.

 

[paradisePWoffrd]

My only 2 cents is consistency. Rules, punishment, reward. If you don’t plan on doing it every time, have no intention of following through, or may back track. Don’t do it. Sets bad examples and they (she) will push the boundary.

As they say, punishment should be Swift, Effective, Consistent. Unlike what they might say, kids thrive when there are defined rules and boundaries, and most importantly stability. I dont know that you will have an issue with the latter, but for many parents punishment is a hard topic, as they dont want to see their child hurt. If you can set the precedent early, the hard part will mostly be over before they will ever remember it.

But as others have said, you have to let them live and learn. I did some stupid stuff as a kid, and learned alot from it. I have two boys, but a common saying around our house is "If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough". I take any opportunity I can to try and teach them things that might help them in life, just trying to plant the seed. We talk alot about being responsible for yourself, and think through your problems and choices.

 

[DSM Turbos]

As they say, punishment should be Swift, Effective, Consistent. Unlike what they might say, kids thrive when there are defined rules and boundaries, and most importantly stability. I dont know that you will have an issue with the latter, but for many parents punishment is a hard topic, as they dont want to see their child hurt. If you can set the precedent early, the hard part will mostly be over before they will ever remember it.

But as others have said, you have to let them live and learn. I did some stupid stuff as a kid, and learned alot from it. I have two boys, but a common saying around our house is "If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough". I take any opportunity I can to try and teach them things that might help them in life, just trying to plant the seed. We talk alot about being responsible for yourself, and think through your problems and choices.

100% big thing is making sure the punishment is effective. We often did the no screen time punishment, and it would happen again. Now we are onto manual labor, you have to find something they don't like or it is really not a punishment.

 

[Cherokeekid88]

Yeah we have been doing the whole "early and often" technique when it comes to discipline. My BIL's kids are a prime example of what will happen if there is no disciple at all and I can't have that. I try and be firm but loving at the same time, but damn, when she looks at me with those eyes filled with tears and I can tell her feeling are really hurt, it just breaks my heart.

 

[1-tonmudder]

Yeah we have been doing the whole "early and often" technique when it comes to discipline. My BIL's kids are a prime example of what will happen if there is no disciple at all and I can't have that. I try and be firm but loving at the same time, but damn, when she looks at me with those eyes filled with tears and I can tell her feeling are really hurt, it just breaks my heart.

and they'll recognize the difference.When jake was about 7/8 we were at a restaurant and some kid a couple of tables over was raising hell and running around and the parents were oblivious to it.Jake looked at us and said "you would whip me if I acted like that" and he was right he would have.

 

[Ron]

and they'll recognize the difference.When jake was about 7/8 we were at a restaurant and some kid a couple of tables over was raising hell and running around and the parents were oblivious to it.Jake looked at us and said "you would whip me if I acted like that" and he was right he would have.

had the same exact experience.

The one thing Id add here, is be open, honest and real with them.

I dont hide things from my kids. They were never "too young to know"
I have also told my kids numerous times, "I dont know everything. Im going to make mistakes and Im going to be wrong at times. I can only promise to always do what I think is best by you and to always be here as long as Im alive."

 

[Cherokeekid88]

had the same exact experience.

The one thing Id add here, is be open, honest and real with them.

I dont hide things from my kids. They were never "too young to know"
I have also told my kids numerous times, "I dont know everything. Im going to make mistakes and Im going to be wrong at times. I can only promise to always do what I think is best by you and to always be here as long as Im alive."

Man, I never knew or even thought about how surreal it is when you have a child of your own. Not even the physical part but just the emotional aspect of it all. Things that I say to my own daughter and I think to myself "Damn, I'm turning into my dad"

I tend to have many a thoughts about how its going to be when she's older. My wife and I were having a conversation last night about money and just how things seem to happen at the worst time and you try and get on the right track and life just....happens. I told my wife " Look at our daughter, look how happy she is. You think she cares what brand her clothes are?, you think she cares what kind of car she rides in?, you think she cares rather we eat a home or get something out?" She just loves to be around us and is just happy to be where she is and we could learn alot from that, so its just weird that here we are trying to teach her things but we end up learning a lot from her.

 

[NickMaul]

 

[jeepinmatt]

I told my wife " Look at our daughter, look how happy she is. You think she cares what brand her clothes are?, you think she cares what kind of car she rides in?, you think she cares rather we eat a home or get something out?" She just loves to be around us and is just happy to be where she is and we could learn alot from that

There is a lot of wisdom in here.

 

[Ron]

When I was a child I thought like a child...
There is a purity of spirit and joy there.

As they age materialism certainly creeps in to varying degrees for all of 'em.

 

[UTfball68]

As they age materialism certainly creeps in to varying degrees for all of 'em.

I, personally, find irony in that statement, because I want just enough to be able to buy an island where I can be isolated and independent. But damn, the price tag of being left alone is mighty high.