Tools Explained
1.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
2.WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'
3.SKILL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
4.PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
5.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
6.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
7.VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
8.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
9.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
10.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
11.BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
12.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
13.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
14.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
15.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
16.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
17.HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
18.UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be
immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made
with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy
perfectly good wood in many ways.
CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw
heads at high speed.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish
nail. Principally used for decoration.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic
jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your
CLAMPS.
TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly
straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight
but non-parallel.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
SON-OF-A-BI*CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BI*CH!' at the top of your lungs.
1.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
2.WIRE WHEEL:Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t!'
3.SKILL SAW:A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
4.PLIERS:Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
5.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
6.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
7.VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
8.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
9.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
10.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
11.BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
12.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
13.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
14.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
15.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
16.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
17.HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
18.UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be
immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made
with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age; with the proper accessories, used to destroy
perfectly good wood in many ways.
CHISEL: Multi use tool - good for making deep cuts in the hand.
CORDLESS DRILL/POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screw
heads at high speed.
NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish
nail. Principally used for decoration.
CLAMPS: These come in two sizes: too small and loaned to an in-law.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
8-FOOT LONG 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic
jack handle.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.
PHONE (alt.): Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your
CLAMPS.
TABLE SAW: Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.
MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.
THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.
JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly
straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight
but non-parallel.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly
rounds off their heads.
SON-OF-A-BI*CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BI*CH!' at the top of your lungs.
