We all have have that one family member...

Cherokeekid88

Cherokeekid88

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 30, 2007
Location
High Point, NC
So I won't name any names but let's just say I have a member of my family that I have tried to like over the years and just can't. I love this person and I wish they best for them, but they have been given so many 2nd chances to do things right and never does and always gets bailed out and yet somehow always ends up ahead (for the time being). I looked up to this person for many years until I realized that I was being used and would only call me when they needed something, never to talk or see how I was doing. Always makes sure that he is taken care of while his kids go without and has really annoyed me for years now and I have always wanted to say something but I know it would never turn out well. We've given them money when they were down and out and has never offered to return the favor to us or anyone else.
Can't complain too much to his family because all the do is shrug their shoulders and blow it off and my family couldn't care less...

I try not to get caught up in drama, but when you sit back and see this fool repeat the same pattern over and over, it really gets to me.

I know some of you probably have people in your family like this or possibly worse. How do you deal with them?

Rant Off.
 
UTfball68 said:
Who cares how it turns out...say what needs to be said. They don't like it, f*ck em. That said, I have an uncanny ability to cut people out of my life and move forward without them.
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Most days I feel this way, but I guess for my wife's family, I try to be civil. I don't go out of my way to reach out to them or try to be a part of their lives except at holidays and I hate that its like that, because deep down, he is a really good person, he just has a f'd up perception of real life and is so caught up in how other people perceive him.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
Most days I feel this way, but I guess for my wife's family, I try to be civil. I don't go out of my way to reach out to them or try to be a part of their lives except at holidays and I hate that its like that, because deep down, he is a really good person, he just has a f'd up perception of real life and is so caught up in how other people perceive him.
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My wife and I have had a similar discussion multiple times. My wife knew when she married me, if something needed to be said, I'd say it. If it's enough for me to get worked up about and/or post about...it's worth standing up to, feelings be damned, myself included. I expect the same thing in return, don't beat around the bush, smack me between the eyes. Nothing may change, but at least then everyone knows where everyone stands.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
Most days I feel this way, but I guess for my wife's family, I try to be civil. I don't go out of my way to reach out to them or try to be a part of their lives except at holidays and I hate that its like that, because deep down, he is a really good person, he just has a f'd up perception of real life and is so caught up in how other people perceive him.
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You are an enabler.

If he is so caught up in others perception that he needs to be financially bailed out his deadly sin is vanity.

Ive got "that" family member.. It isnt a vanity issue. Different...Ive started to express how I fell 100 times. Ive just learned it will do no good. She wont change. I wont feel better. 2 months from now we will be right back here. So I avoid her when I can. Tolerate her when I can't. And carry on.
 
This time of year is the hardest on those that work, you work hard for what you have, what you give, the "friends" you have that take the "one way handout", in my book you have to cut them off, I've lost good friends (the ones that thought drugs mean more than family) watched good men throw away everything.

I miss these people, most of them I looked up to!
 
Sounds strikingly similar to my brother in law.

Did I guess correctly?

Anyways, doesn't matter.
My sister married a clown 8 years ago against the wishes of every person in the family, best friends, ex's.... Everyone. Then, he was 18, HS dropout and as close to illiterate as one can be to still get a driver's license. Pissed away more good jobs in one year than any of us would have in a lifetime. Got kicked out of the volunteer FD, destroyed more vehicles than a used car lot has.....etc. The rest of the family floated them through their entire marriage, my sister pregnancy, hospital trips, first days of school and the whole 9. After all of this, my sister's still with him. She's happy, her daughters are happy, and we're happy for them. I still consider him to be a deadbeat, but on the plus side, he doesn't drink or do drugs and is extremely close to becoming a full time police officer and is actually a damn likeable person. Regardless, my sister and nieces are the most important.
Good people are generally looked out for. I've come to doubt this less and less.
 
I was so glad when my bro-in-law moved to FL.
For my wifes sake I did all could until I got tired of it.
Finally told him not to call us any more. Even got to the point of having to threaten him.

Just glad it's over.

Matt
 
If there were 100 times where you could have or should have addressed some small thing with this person, you missed your chance to address them. If there's a thing going on now maybe it's in your (or their) interest to address THAT but, if it's like Ron describes, if it won't change and you won't feel better and it won't improve your relationship with this person, don't. Focus on bettering yourself and your family. Deal with them as much as you have to but pick your battles.
 
XJsavage said:
Sounds strikingly similar to my brother in law.

Did I guess correctly?

Anyways, doesn't matter.
My sister married a clown 8 years ago against the wishes of every person in the family, best friends, ex's.... Everyone. Then, he was 18, HS dropout and as close to illiterate as one can be to still get a driver's license. Pissed away more good jobs in one year than any of us would have in a lifetime. Got kicked out of the volunteer FD, destroyed more vehicles than a used car lot has.....etc. The rest of the family floated them through their entire marriage, my sister pregnancy, hospital trips, first days of school and the whole 9. After all of this, my sister's still with him. She's happy, her daughters are happy, and we're happy for them. I still consider him to be a deadbeat, but on the plus side, he doesn't drink or do drugs and is extremely close to becoming a full time police officer and is actually a damn likeable person. Regardless, my sister and nieces are the most important.
Good people are generally looked out for. I've come to doubt this less and less.
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Yes. This is also my BIL.
Used to think he was the coolest dude ever. Followed him around like a puppy, never questioned anything he said or needed me to do. I just did it because I had never had an older brother and I thought that he liked me. Turns out he is one of those "One Upper" type people. You do something, he has to do it also, but better and make sure you know it. Pissed away a settlement check for hurting his back at work on anything and everything except the surgery he claimed "he needed" and still hasn't had the surgery, but now has a job doing manual labor....go figure. I can't tell you how many times we baby sat for him and his wife free of charge and would take advantage of that and not show up till 2-3 in the morning when we had to get up in 3-4 hours, or help him work his route or fix his car, never to be paid or appreciated. I've gotten to the point to where I speak only to him when I have to and all those years he gave me a hard time for no reason because "that's how he shows his love" I'm starting to give it back to him and let him know when he's wrong, just never took it far enough to let him know how disappointed I am in him and how he needs to change per my wife's request.
 
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Lizooki said:
I was so glad when my bro-in-law moved to FL.
For my wifes sake I did all could until I got tired of it.
Finally told him not to call us any more. Even got to the point of having to threaten him.

Just glad it's over.

Matt
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I've wondered how long this is going to take. He has mentioned how he wants to move out to where his wife's family is from out in California. I can honestly say that I wouldn't really miss him if he did. We basically only see them at Holidays or when he needs something or buys something new and wants to show it off, yet he complains that no one takes the time to spend time with his girls. Hell, seems like every time we go to one of his kids' swim meets, football games, plays, etc. he's not even there.
 
trailhugger said:
If there were 100 times where you could have or should have addressed some small thing with this person, you missed your chance to address them. If there's a thing going on now maybe it's in your (or their) interest to address THAT but, if it's like Ron describes, if it won't change and you won't feel better and it won't improve your relationship with this person, don't. Focus on bettering yourself and your family. Deal with them as much as you have to but pick your battles.
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tried this for 10 years with the ex-wife......and that song was perfect. Loved the part where I left. Should have done that way earlier.

At the OP, I'm not saying cut your losses and run. I'm just saying at a point love is still available for anyone, but that anyone should never dictate your happiness or lack of.......if they place themselves as a constant burden that's on them.......if you allow it, well saddle up it is going to be a rough ride.

EDIT: most of what I have read.....sounds like your sisters problem, you love her enough to pick up the pieces. My sister went through some of that as well....but you know what? I didn't see her on my end when I was in a crappy place due to my previous spouse. So, question is? Could she? Or would she? do the same? I doubt it if the BIL is like you describe. Sound cold buts its the reality. I'm a truth hits you in the mouth "sometimes" kinda guy. My experiences and path have taught me that if nothing else.
 
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WARRIORWELDING said:
tried this for 10 years with the ex-wife......and that song was perfect. Loved the part where I left. Should have done that way earlier.

At the OP, I'm not saying cut your losses and run. I'm just saying at a point love is still available for anyone, but that anyone should never dictate your happiness or lack of.......if they place themselves as a constant burden that's on them.......if you allow it, well saddle up it is going to be a rough ride.

EDIT: most of what I have read.....sounds like your sisters problem, you love her enough to pick up the pieces. My sister went through some of that as well....but you know what? I didn't see her on my end when I was in a crappy place due to my previous spouse. So, question is? Could she? Or would she? do the same? I doubt it if the BIL is like you describe. Sound cold buts its the reality. I'm a truth hits you in the mouth "sometimes" kinda guy. My experiences and path have taught me that if nothing else.
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Its actually my wife's Brother. Oh, And I just hit the tip of the iceberg on things he's done. Never done drugs, use to drink a lot, but was never abusive or anything, just has always been selfish and self centered. Only cares about himself and uses everyone around him and then throws them away when he's done.
I thought about it last night as I was trying to sleep and I think I need to confront him and let him know how I feel. Even if it doesn't change much or at all, at least he knows how I feel and that I am not some punk kid anymore.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I need to confront him and let him know how I feel. Even if it doesn't change much or at all, at least he knows how I feel and that I am not some punk kid anymore.
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Just know you're doing it to make YOU feel better. Because like @shawn said, in that conversation BOTH of you are going to walk away feeling like the hero, and neither will claim a loss.

My wife loves watching Dr Phil in the morning while she drinks her coffee. I usually step put of the shower about the same time he says the SAME thing over and over to people
Ron said:
You are an enabler.
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Remove the crutch, but don't remove the love.... etc

Usually he's lecturing parents of douchebag kids, but the same still applies. NO, you don't want to see them out in the cold, NO you don't want bad things to happen to them, but ultimately anything you do short of telling him to "sack up and be a man" is enabling him.

Again...IF you decide to confront him and tell him how you feel....you will likely be talking to a brick wall, and only doing so to make yourself feel like you've "done everything you can" but in reality, only the swift kick of reality will likely change his mind/attitude....and I'm not betting on THAT

[side note] You don't owe him anything. While you once looked up to him, YOU have grown since then. Never regret who you once use to look up too. Even if they were your hero, but are now a zero, that doesn't mean you wasted your time, nor does it mean YOU made a bad choice. They are responsible for their own choices and the person they are. Use every experience to grow and become a better YOU. Because ultimately you need to be yourself....everyone else is already taken


your results may vary, If condition persists, consult your physician, Keep away from moisture, rain, snow, gloom of night, and so forth, keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes, keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children, may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds, If your product begins to smoke, seek shelter and cover head, Ingredients include; an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space; said ingredients are not to be "touched, inhaled, or looked at" if exposed due to rupture, If you cannot read these instructions, please notify a flight attendant, Accept no substitutes
 
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CasterTroy said:
Just know you're doing it to make YOU feel better. Because like @shawn said, in that conversation BOTH of you are going to walk away feeling like the hero, and neither will claim a loss.

My wife loves watching Dr Phil in the morning while she drinks her coffee. I usually step put of the shower about the same time he says the SAME thing over and over to people

Remove the crutch, but don't remove the love.... etc

Usually he's lecturing parents of douchebag kids, but the same still applies. NO, you don't want to see them out in the cold, NO you don't want bad things to happen to them, but ultimately anything you do short of telling him to "sack up and be a man" is enabling him.

Again...IF you decide to confront him and tell him how you feel....you will likely be talking to a brick wall, and only doing so to make yourself feel like you've "done everything you can" but in reality, only the swift kick of reality will likely change his mind/attitude....and I'm not betting on THAT

[side note] You don't owe him anything. While you once looked up to him, YOU have grown since then. Never regret who you once use to look up too. Even if they were your hero, but are now a zero, that doesn't mean you wasted your time, nor does it mean YOU made a bad choice. They are responsible for their own choices and the person they are. Use every experience to grow and become a better YOU. Because ultimately you need to be yourself....everyone else is already taken


your results may vary, If condition persists, consult your physician, Keep away from moisture, rain, snow, gloom of night, and so forth, keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes, keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children, may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds, If your product begins to smoke, seek shelter and cover head, Ingredients include; an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space; said ingredients are not to be "touched, inhaled, or looked at" if exposed due to rupture, If you cannot read these instructions, please notify a flight attendant, Accept no substitutes
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I think the fact of knowing that he knows how I feel would make me feel better, even if he doesn't change a bit. I always thought that if people just ignored him and stayed away from him, he would one day wonder why no one wants to hang around him and then he would slowly figure it out, but apparently that hasn't happened. I am very shocked that no one in his family has told him these things, yet will talk about him to me and my wife.

I know I don't owe him anything and I don't regret looking up to him, I just wish he was the person I always believed him to be in the beginning. I know you can't wish for people to change and that they have to be the one to want it. He has been helped out so many times and you would think a normal person would want to help someone else out in return or change their ways, but not this dude.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
he would slowly figure it out, but apparently that hasn't happened.
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I don't ever claim to know everything. In fact, I feel like I rarely ever bring anything useful to the table. So don't take this as me being a know-it-all and telling you how things are. All I'm going to say is...It's been MY experience, that some people just simply lack ANY self awareness. They never reflect on their actions, and they rarely (if ever) CARE how things they do make others feel or react. This is foreign to those of us WITH self awareness, and perception of their surroundings. In my encounters with these folks, any feedback is usually met with hostility, anger, or completely blown off as YOUR problem, not theirs. So....just don't get your hopes up
 
CasterTroy said:
I don't ever claim to know everything. In fact, I feel like I rarely ever bring anything useful to the table. So don't take this as me being a know-it-all and telling you how things are. All I'm going to say is...It's been MY experience, that some people just simply lack ANY self awareness. They never reflect on their actions, and they rarely (if ever) CARE how things they do make others feel or react. This is foreign to those of us WITH self awareness, and perception of their surroundings. In my encounters with these folks, any feedback is usually met with hostility, anger, or completely blown off as YOUR problem, not theirs. So....just don't get your hopes up
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Yeah, I'm not counting on a miracle, just feel like he is causing me drama in my life that I want no part of and he gets off scot free. Tired of letting him influence how I feel and basically getting away with it.
 
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