We all have have that one family member...

I'm guessing the dude is in his 30's or 40's. It is too late. He isn't going to change. He will just leech off someone else if you and your wife stop helping him. That maybe one reason they are considering moving.
 
drkelly said:
I'm guessing the dude is in his 30's or 40's. It is too late. He isn't going to change. He will just leech off someone else if you and your wife stop helping him. That maybe one reason they are considering moving.
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Mid 30's. We've stopped helping them the last couple of years and when I say help I mean, Taking care of their house when they are gone, or babysitting, or stuff like that. We have only given them money 1 time and never asked for it back but do you think when they are "doing good" they have ever offered to help us out when we needed it or anyone else in our family? Nah. I mean, his family lived with his parents for 18 months rent free and when they left, they had saved $0....left with the same amount of money they walked in there with.
 
I still say everyone is worrying too much about who might get what feelings hurt and who thinks they'll be right. He does something you don't like, call the shit out, it's not that complex. You have a wife and a child...there's acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior...mitigate their exposure to the unacceptable behavior. There's about a glitter dusted unicorn fart chance in hell that he'll ever change who he is as an overall person. However, I guarantee you one of two things will happen if you put your foot down as to what your expectations of the relationship are 1) he'll toe the line a shit ton better around you because you won't put up with his shit or 2) he'll quickly disappear any time you'll be around because you call him on his shit.
 
Just a side note.

Youve twice said "he is a good guy"...I think the biggest issue is your perception problem. You havent described the actions of a good guy.
 
You seem like a nice guy. Sounds like you’re being too nice. Call him out. If he or anybody else is butthurt, so be it. I call my family and friends out all the time and with the quickness. I’d want them to do the same to me if I’m being an ass. I’m a firm believer that a grown ass man should be able to handle the opinion of a family member or friend. Do it face to face and not over the phone. More effective.
 
Wes said:
You seem like a nice guy. Sounds like you’re being too nice. Call him out. If he or anybody else is butthurt, so be it. I call my family and friends out all the time and with the quickness. I’d want them to do the same to me if I’m being an ass. I’m a firm believer that a grown ass man should be able to handle the opinion of a family member or friend. Do it face to face and not over the phone. More effective.
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I had a younger co-worker, co-teacher do just that...this week while discussing some classroom management. He told me straight up that I cared to much what my students think of me.
Dude doesn't know it but it's why someone half my age and ability has my respect. He doesn't beat around, ever.
 
shawn said:
Everyone is the hero of his own story.

That goes for both of you.
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Not always. When it comes to my sister I'm the asshole and I'll admit it. I've been a bastard and I know it. Have I done anything to rebuild the bridge? No.

To the OP, it seems like you want to say something to make yourself feel better about the situation. I think we all know it won't change his attitude or future actions. There's a slim chance but it's pretty thin. Take the Dr. Phil route and treat him like family when he's around (love) but don't let him take advantage of you or your wife (removing the crutch). If he needs an explanation, then tell him he's being a douche.
 
DAMN! If my bro in law wasn't dead I would swear we all had the same one!
 
UTfball68 said:
I still say everyone is worrying too much about who might get what feelings hurt and who thinks they'll be right. He does something you don't like, call the shit out, it's not that complex. You have a wife and a child...there's acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior...mitigate their exposure to the unacceptable behavior. There's about a glitter dusted unicorn fart chance in hell that he'll ever change who he is as an overall person. However, I guarantee you one of two things will happen if you put your foot down as to what your expectations of the relationship are 1) he'll toe the line a shit ton better around you because you won't put up with his shit or 2) he'll quickly disappear any time you'll be around because you call him on his shit.
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I'd bet on him disappearing.
Ron said:
Just a side note.

Youve twice said "he is a good guy"...I think the biggest issue is your perception problem. You havent described the actions of a good guy.
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What I mean is, he has the ability to care and he has had temporary streaks where he was actually humble and good to be around, but those are temporary and few and far between. He has had times where you can tell that he does care to some point about others, but its just a phase.
 
Wes said:
You seem like a nice guy. Sounds like you’re being too nice. Call him out. If he or anybody else is butthurt, so be it. I call my family and friends out all the time and with the quickness. I’d want them to do the same to me if I’m being an ass. I’m a firm believer that a grown ass man should be able to handle the opinion of a family member or friend. Do it face to face and not over the phone. More effective.
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you're right. I always try to be nice and avoid confrontation when possible, especially when its my wife's family because I don't want to start anything and cause drama if I can help it. I think from now on, I am just going to put him in his place when needed. If he wants to talk about it, we can talk about it.
 
UTfball68 said:
it's not that complex
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Well, not if you're an asshole. But the other half of the people in the world aren't, and it IS more complex. You can't understand that at ALL beCAUSE you're an asshole, and it just seems stupid to dance around anyone's feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I WISH I was more of an asshole. I envy you and your freedom. And I tend to gravitate to asshole friends because they're ALWAYS honest.
I wish like hell I didn't give 2 flying shits what ANYONE thought, and I could truly say exactly whats on my mind 100% of the time. But it's NOT that simple

Cherokeekid88 said:
he has had temporary streaks where he was actually humble and good to be around, but those are temporary and few and far between. He has had times where you can tell that he does care to some point about others, but its just a phase.
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Sounds like a drug addict to me. I'm not taking shots....but if he hints at being good occasionally, but then is a different person, he's either manic/depressant or, he's got a drug problem. From the outside looking in, it sounds like drugs. Especially because of his financial instability:

Cherokeekid88 said:
Nah. I mean, his family lived with his parents for 18 months rent free and when they left, they had saved $0....left with the same amount of money they walked in there with.
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CasterTroy said:
Well, not if you're an asshole. But the other half of the people in the world aren't, and it IS more complex. You can't understand that at ALL beCAUSE you're an asshole, and it just seems stupid to dance around anyone's feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I WISH I was more of an asshole. I envy you and your freedom. And I tend to gravitate to asshole friends because they're ALWAYS honest.
I wish like hell I didn't give 2 flying shits what ANYONE thought, and I could truly say exactly whats on my mind 100% of the time. But it's NOT that simple
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Come get your Blantons and I'll learn ya a thing or two. My wife's fall semester on 'how to be an asshole' is coming to a close, but I'd be willing to start a spring semester. She went from minimal authority and employees at her school to a more senior position with 50 folks reporting to her in the church. Anyone that knows anything about my wife knows she lives in a bubble filled with rainbows and unicorns...the thought of confrontation or someone not liking her, literally makes her vomit. Just because you're an asshole/take a stand/voice your opinion, doesn't mean people can't walk away thanking you for what you just said. Different situations call for different tactics, and that's modified in real time as you're reading body language. My typical approach is opening up as the wrecking ball, and it evolves from there. For the record, I'm semi-serious, I 'career coach' all the time. I have 3 ex-colleagues recently promoted I'm helping right now...middle management isn't that much of a stretch to navigating people in general.
 
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Cherokeekid88 said:
you're right. I always try to be nice and avoid confrontation when possible, especially when its my wife's family because I don't want to start anything and cause drama if I can help it. I think from now on, I am just going to put him in his place when needed. If he wants to talk about it, we can talk about it.
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Word
 
CasterTroy said:
Well, not if you're an asshole. But the other half of the people in the world aren't, and it IS more complex. You can't understand that at ALL beCAUSE you're an asshole, and it just seems stupid to dance around anyone's feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I WISH I was more of an asshole. I envy you and your freedom. And I tend to gravitate to asshole friends because they're ALWAYS honest.
I wish like hell I didn't give 2 flying shits what ANYONE thought, and I could truly say exactly whats on my mind 100% of the time. But it's NOT that simple



Sounds like a drug addict to me. I'm not taking shots....but if he hints at being good occasionally, but then is a different person, he's either manic/depressant or, he's got a drug problem. From the outside looking in, it sounds like drugs. Especially because of his financial instability:
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Not a drug addict at all. Dude doesn't even like to take medicine. His problem is spending money he doesn't have on himself and everyone else in his family is left behind. He tries to keep up with his ex-wife who is well off and makes one stupid financial decision after another and never learns. oh and the fact that he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
 
Your BIL sounds like my first cousins ex that I use to help. If you weren’t doing something to help him or better him he didn’t give a shit about you. I lost it when I was working on my truck in the rain one day, because the shop was being used.... opened the door and shop was empty. I finished my truck packed my shit and told him to kick rocks.


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Loganwayne said:
Your BIL sounds like my first cousins ex that I use to help. If you weren’t doing something to help him or better him he didn’t give a shit about you. I lost it when I was working on my truck in the rain one day, because the shop was being used.... opened the door and shop was empty. I finished my truck packed my shit and told him to kick rocks.


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Yep, sounds just like him. oh don't dare tell him about any plans you have to do anything or try and take the spot light off of them, because he will one up you in a heart beat. It seems he is always in a competition with everyone yet, no one else is competing.
 
That's called low self esteem/self hate.
He doesnt like himself so he assumes no one else will either. In turn tries to create a different version of himself tht is more glamorous, more cool, more whatever to make people like him. This pushes them away which furthers his self worth issues and a spiral starts.

Either he grows up one day, committs suicide evemntually, or dies an old lonely curmudgeon.
 
CasterTroy said:
Well, not if you're an asshole. But the other half of the people in the world aren't, and it IS more complex. You can't understand that at ALL beCAUSE you're an asshole, and it just seems stupid to dance around anyone's feelings.

Don't get me wrong, I WISH I was more of an asshole. I envy you and your freedom. And I tend to gravitate to asshole friends because they're ALWAYS honest.
I wish like hell I didn't give 2 flying shits what ANYONE thought, and I could truly say exactly whats on my mind 100% of the time. But it's NOT that simple
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There is an age component too.
I see a lot of myself often in a lot of Ben's posts. At 25 I was brash and set to conquer the world. By 30 I though 25 year old me was a dumb sass and if he wasnt so damn smart and talented someone would have put him in his place. At 35 I still had it all figured out but I wasnt sure I wanted to execute it. But I knew I had all the answer. By 40 I think that it is all about relativity. (I love this expression a crusty old 1 eyed marine vet taught me)
'A millionaire is a pauper in the billionaires club. A foot of dick is tiny on a horse farm. The biggest badest sumbitch you know cant beat an average pissed off gorilla thats half his size.' Today I think success is found in contentment and acceptance of yourself. If you ever find it let me know how. Happiness is also found in Bourbon - want a drink. By the time I hit 50 I expect to either be dead or realize Ive beeen a dumbass all along.
 
Ron said:
That's called low self esteem/self hate.
He doesnt like himself so he assumes no one else will either. In turn tries to create a different version of himself tht is more glamorous, more cool, more whatever to make people like him. This pushes them away which furthers his self worth issues and a spiral starts.

Either he grows up one day, committs suicide evemntually, or dies an old lonely curmudgeon.
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Yes! Yes! its funny too man, One week he is wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat and a Johnny Cash T shirt, the next week he is wearing jeans, vans, and purple sunglasses, tight t shirt and a backwards flat bill hat, then the next week he is wearing Jordans and listening to rap. makes sense, he is trying to conform to I guess who he is hanging out with that particular week to get their approval.
 
You're probably right @Ron about "all of the above"

I'd still bet a good bottle of bourbon he'd fail a piss test. I may be WAY off base here....but just sounds awfully familiar
 
CasterTroy said:
You're probably right @Ron about "all of the above"

I'd still bet a good bottle of bourbon he'd fail a piss test. I may be WAY off base here....but just sounds awfully familiar
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I can just bet you about anything I own, that he is not on drugs. He even stopped drinking recently.

I appreciate all the advice as usual. I've decided that I am not going to let him or his family dictate how I live my life and speak my mind when need be and I hope that I can convince my wife to do the same. I always wanted to have a cool brother in law and I thought I had one till I realized that he is a douche that doesn't deserve a second thought.
 
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