This is for all of you with Stay at home spouse... need some help/guidance.

Cherokeekid88 said:
I honestly at this point, can't see her being a SAHM working.
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With that attitude it never will and will breed resentment.
If you aren't 100% committed to prioritizing it and your childs happiness over literally everything else. Then do not make the decision, it will end in disaster
 
My wife is a SAHM of two, 3 y/o with autism and 10 m/o. Its what we wanted from the start when we got together in high school. Right off the top, she HAS to WANT it. It wont work if you do it for money or any other reason. It has to be what she wants, and to a lesser extent you. You have to be there for her and help when you get home. Remember, she likely doesnt get a break during the day. Secondly, be prepared to cut everything down to the bare minimum. At least to start with. The less debt you have the better. Our only debt is the house and some medical bills, and its still tight. The financials wont look like itll work, you have to make it work. A major thing that helped us was that she breastfeeds and we use cloth diapers. That saves us thousands. We are also starting homeschooling, fwiw. Theres challenges and its not easy, but I wouldnt want it any other way. We are raising and teaching our kids, not some daycare worker or school teacher.




TLDR: she has to want it, and be prepared to make drastic budget cuts and go without some things. Especially the first year or so.
 
Ron said:
With that attitude it never will and will breed resentment.
If you aren't 100% committed to prioritizing it and your childs happiness over literally everything else. Then do not make the decision, it will end in disaster
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THIS X 10000000000000. It truly is a lifestyle and you both have to want it.

Also, my wife tried the work from home deal and it just didnt work for her with a newborn. Weve discussed maybe later on, but autism threw a monkey wrench in that.

And yea, dont bank on a cleaner house or coming home to her all dolled up, or supper being ready every night. Shit just dont happen. Typically you come home to a zoo and a frazzled wife whos ready to yeet the youngins out the window lol.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
Well, I am just trying to look at this through all angles. And while tax return "shouldn't be counted on as extra money... in my eyes, it sorta is and is to a lot of folks. Even though, its money we are paying every paycheck, we don't see it and in turn comes around back to us in sorta one lump sum. Because, what we do is when we get our tax refund, we don't spend it on a vacation or anything fancy...we put it into our daycare account and each month, we add money to the account out of our paychecks and that's what we use to pay for child care all year. it sorta gives us a head start for the year. Makes it really easy for us because we don't ever really have to look at it, we know every paycheck it gets funded and we have it setup to pay every Sunday for the following week.
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OK great, this is a fantastic way to save money.
However the point I was getting to - but did not articulate well at all - is that tax refunds are not real reliable. As we have seen the last few years, its pretty easy for the Pres or Congress (or NC gov) to get some new great idea and change the rules, and your refund will suddenly me more or less.
You can take the same amount of $$, as set it as an auto-draft ahead of time, essentially doing the same thing. It comes out to all be exactly the same sum in the end, but the difference is for something critical like a childcare fund, you are guaranteed to have the amount you need in the fund.

Also, i'm sure you're aware - but look into childcare savings accounts. That lets you set aside the $$ tax free.
 
JSJJ388 said:
And yea, dont bank on a cleaner house or coming home to her all dolled up, or supper being ready every night. Shit just dont happen.
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So I wanna know why when the world shifted from black and white to colorvision, this shit stopped happening.

JSJJ388 said:
Typically you come home to a zoo and a frazzled wife whos ready to yeet the youngins out the window lol.
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Ah yes. Nothing like walking in the door and she immediately hands you a kid before you can even drop your things and says, "she's yours now." and walks out the door.
 
RatLabGuy said:
So I wanna know why when the world shifted from black and white to colorvision, this shit stopped happening.


Ah yes. Nothing like walking in the door and she immediately hands you a kid before you can even drop your things and says, "she's yours now." and walks out the door.
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If I had to guess, when they removed the cocaine from coca-cola lol. But it is reality now. I will say, our house stays "clean" and I have to do very little. But its never spotless and Im rarely greeted with the "picture perfect" housewife.

Yea, we had to implement some guidelines on the kid thing. I had to accept that she does in fact deserve a break when I get home, and she had to accept that I need a few minutes to transition into "dad/husband" mode. So we tag team for a few minutes and then she goes into our room or the living room and gets a little break from the terrorist er I mean children.
 
Ron said:
With that attitude it never will and will breed resentment.
If you aren't 100% committed to prioritizing it and your childs happiness over literally everything else. Then do not make the decision, it will end in disaster
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This is what I am afraid of. I know she wants it ultimately. The only reason I don't see it working is, I don't think my wife truly understands the cuts we would have to make in order for it to work. I know she would be good at it, but I fear that a couple months in, she would be tired of not having the freedom to just go shopping or getting her hair/nails done or really having to budget at the grocery store, etc.

I would also want to pay off some debt before it happened, just to make things a little easier financially. Her car is paid off and mine is up next within the next year.

You know and I know our daughter loves going to daycare, she has friends there and she learns to socialize with other kids every day and I also don't know if I want to lose that. Yes, she could get together with other moms and have playdates, but those would probably be few and far between.

We are just sort of brainstorming right now. I think we are both at a point in our lives where we are starting to really think about the future and what we are wanting out of life.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
This is what I am afraid of. I know she wants it ultimately. The only reason I don't see it working is, I don't think my wife truly understands the cuts we would have to make in order for it to work. I know she would be good at it, but I fear that a couple months in, she would be tired of not having the freedom to just go shopping or getting her hair/nails done or really having to budget at the grocery store, etc.

I would also want to pay off some debt before it happened, just to make things a little easier financially. Her car is paid off and mine is up next within the next year.

You know and I know our daughter loves going to daycare, she has friends there and she learns to socialize with other kids every day and I also don't know if I want to lose that. Yes, she could get together with other moms and have playdates, but those would probably be few and far between.

We are just sort of brainstorming right now. I think we are both at a point in our lives where we are starting to really think about the future and what we are wanting out of life.
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We had the kids in a Mother's Morning Out program for a while. It was 3 hours 2 days a week and was really reasonable. Kids got socialization, mom got to go shopping or whatever she needed to do on her own.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
This is what I am afraid of. I know she wants it ultimately. The only reason I don't see it working is, I don't think my wife truly understands the cuts we would have to make in order for it to work. I know she would be good at it, but I fear that a couple months in, she would be tired of not having the freedom to just go shopping or getting her hair/nails done or really having to budget at the grocery store, etc.

I would also want to pay off some debt before it happened, just to make things a little easier financially. Her car is paid off and mine is up next within the next year.

You know and I know our daughter loves going to daycare, she has friends there and she learns to socialize with other kids every day and I also don't know if I want to lose that. Yes, she could get together with other moms and have playdates, but those would probably be few and far between.

We are just sort of brainstorming right now. I think we are both at a point in our lives where we are starting to really think about the future and what we are wanting out of life.
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I mean this post with tons of love. It isn't an internet attack hatchet job. Its meant from a friend to a friend the way I would sayi it sitting around a camp fire with a bottle of questionable content being passed around and multiple kinds of smoke in the air.
Disclaimer out of the way-
The hair and nails thing is real, but trivial to the point.
These next two quotes are posts of yours on this forum in the last few months:
Thinking of getting into the drone game. My brother has ones and I've flown it a few times and recently was at the beach and my buddy had one and flew it, and really enjoyed it. I am currently looking at the DJI Mini SE. I don't want something that's going to break the bank and would rather have something that is collapsible and easy to carry around. Any people on here fly drones that can steer me in the right direction? I like all the features of the DJI Mini SE, even though It doesn't shoot in 4K, the quality is still very nice. I don't ever see the me needing to go full manual, so having a "beginner" drone is not a problem.
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So the wife and I need a vacation. We've been trying to figure out what we want to do and found this awesome deal on cruise at the end of march.
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When I say sacrifice - that is the kind of thing Im talking about. No one NEEDS a vacation. Just typing or reading those words makes my blood pressure rise.
It depends on how important it is to you though.

Speaking for me, and my family, it was the most important thing. When we made the decision in 2004 I was making ~$45k a year and my wife was making ~$30k. When she quit work we sold a vehicle (mine -Loved that new F250 but didnt fit the bills, and she needed the new reliable car since she would be carrying the kids around). We turned off home internet, directv, and turned off my cell phone. We didnt eat a meal in a restaurant for over a year and didnt go on a vacation for 3 years - and even then it was a "free" weekend in her aunts camper at the beach. It was a tough 5 years. But we came out the other side better for it. Soon I didnt have to work 2 jobs. Then my single job got better and I got better at it. And a few years later things took off. But I wouldn't trade any of those 90+ hour weeks, I wouldnt trade the night I hitchhiked home because my truck broke down and I didnt have a cell phone, I wouldnt trade any toys or any vacations for the impact we made on our kids lives and the memories I provided for my wife and the kids. I didnt get those. I chose to sacrifice for their benefit.

Im not asking for a cookie here or looking for your recognition, Im explaining that level of commitment makes it possible regardless of income. You are older and further in your career than I was at the time and presumably your income is much better. More money makes the sacrifice less as well. But the point is where there is a will there is a way.
But if you arent laser focused, and in lock step on the decision, I can name 3 people in my small social circle that SAHM directly led to their divorce.
 
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Take this as you wish. We don't have any kids, we both work, but I do subscribe to the teachings of a few trusted advisors.
If you're gonna be the sole breadwinner and have 2 young kids at home, you're gonna work. A lot. You will have to sacrifice many things. New(er) cars, phones, gadgets, clothes, etc. But really, WGAF? It's your life, not theirs.
You can't throw a rock into a pond without a ripple.
Take extra shifts, cut all wasteful expenses, take cheaper vacations, coupon, be frugal anywhere you can, etc. But this will yield (IMO) better rounded kids who are raised by a loving parent instead of someone who is paid to tolerate them. Once they reach the age of going to school, she can always pick up whatever hours are available during school.
The decision to have kids requires you to be willing to sacrifice. Here is your chance to prove just how much.
I'm 100% on board with a stay at home parent raising kids vs day care FWIW.
 
Ron said:
I mean this post with tons of love. It isn't an internet attack hatchet job. Its meant from a friend to a friend the way I would sayi it sitting around a camp fire with a bottle of questionable content being passed around and multiple kinds of smoke in the air.
Disclaimer out of the way-
The hair and nails thing is real, but trivial to the point.
These next two quotes are posts of yours on this forum in the last few months:



When I say sacrifice - that is the kind of thing Im talking about. No one NEEDS a vacation. Just typing or reading those words makes my blood pressure rise.
It depends on how important it is to you though.

Speaking for me, and my family, it was the most important thing. When we made the decision in 2004 I was making ~$45k a year and my wife was making ~$30k. When she quit work we sold a vehicle (mine -Loved that new F250 but didnt fit the bills, and she needed the new reliable car since she would be carrying the kids around). We turned off home internet, directv, and turned off my cell phone. We didnt eat a meal in a restaurant for over a year and didnt go on a vacation for 3 years - and even then it was a "free" weekend in her aunts camper at the beach. It was a tough 5 years. But we came out the other side better for it. Soon I didnt have to work 2 jobs. Then my single job got better and I got better at it. And a few years later things took off. But I wouldn't trade any of those 90+ hour weeks, I wouldnt trade the night I hitchhiked home because my truck broke down and I didnt have a cell phone, I wouldnt trade any toys or any vacations for the impact we made on our kids lives and the memories I provided for my wife and the kids. I didnt get those. I chose to sacrifice for their benefit.

Im not asking for a cookie here or looking for your recognition, Im explaining that level of commitment makes it possible regardless of income. You are older and further in your career than I was at the time and presumably your income is much better. More money makes the sacrifice less as well. But the point is where there is a will there is a way.
But if you arent laser focused, and in lock step on the decision, I can name 3 people in my small social circle that SAHM directly led to their divorce.
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I totally get it and I appreciate it! very much!

I think at the point in our lives that we are at, we are sort of transitioning. We aren't newlyweds anymore, we aren't expecting our first child, and we've made debt and we've paid debt. And that last sentence you typed is something that is in the back of my mind. We both know having two incomes and having a child in daycare works, stressful sometimes, but it works. I know that I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to create or be a catalyst to a situation that leads to resentment on either side. Do I think my daughter would be happiest NOT being in daycare? I have no idea. Do I think my wife would be happiest being at home and not working? Maybe... And what you said is right... I like to work and know that if I want to go buy myself something, that I can do that and I do understand that her being a SAHM would be a sacrifice for everyone and its just something that we would have to sit down and really discuss.
 
Ron said:
I mean this post with tons of love. It isn't an internet attack hatchet job. Its meant from a friend to a friend the way I would sayi it sitting around a camp fire with a bottle of questionable content being passed around and multiple kinds of smoke in the air.
Disclaimer out of the way-
The hair and nails thing is real, but trivial to the point.
These next two quotes are posts of yours on this forum in the last few months:



When I say sacrifice - that is the kind of thing Im talking about. No one NEEDS a vacation. Just typing or reading those words makes my blood pressure rise.
It depends on how important it is to you though.

Speaking for me, and my family, it was the most important thing. When we made the decision in 2004 I was making ~$45k a year and my wife was making ~$30k. When she quit work we sold a vehicle (mine -Loved that new F250 but didnt fit the bills, and she needed the new reliable car since she would be carrying the kids around). We turned off home internet, directv, and turned off my cell phone. We didnt eat a meal in a restaurant for over a year and didnt go on a vacation for 3 years - and even then it was a "free" weekend in her aunts camper at the beach. It was a tough 5 years. But we came out the other side better for it. Soon I didnt have to work 2 jobs. Then my single job got better and I got better at it. And a few years later things took off. But I wouldn't trade any of those 90+ hour weeks, I wouldnt trade the night I hitchhiked home because my truck broke down and I didnt have a cell phone, I wouldnt trade any toys or any vacations for the impact we made on our kids lives and the memories I provided for my wife and the kids. I didnt get those. I chose to sacrifice for their benefit.

Im not asking for a cookie here or looking for your recognition, Im explaining that level of commitment makes it possible regardless of income. You are older and further in your career than I was at the time and presumably your income is much better. More money makes the sacrifice less as well. But the point is where there is a will there is a way.
But if you arent laser focused, and in lock step on the decision, I can name 3 people in my small social circle that SAHM directly led to their divorce.
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Yep. You hit the nail on the head, as usual. We do without a lot to keep our dream alive. To us, my wife being home to be mom is THE most important thing. Top priority. We would have to be losing the house with nothing left to sell and no more hours in the day to even consider her getting a job. We don't vacation, buy new cars, phones, or eat out much. I pack my lunch when I can't expense it. We shop aldis and goodwill ect.

Cherokeekid88 said:
I totally get it and I appreciate it! very much!

I think at the point in our lives that we are at, we are sort of transitioning. We aren't newlyweds anymore, we aren't expecting our first child, and we've made debt and we've paid debt. And that last sentence you typed is something that is in the back of my mind. We both know having two incomes and having a child in daycare works, stressful sometimes, but it works. I know that I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to create or be a catalyst to a situation that leads to resentment on either side. Do I think my daughter would be happiest NOT being in daycare? I have no idea. Do I think my wife would be happiest being at home and not working? Maybe... And what you said is right... I like to work and know that if I want to go buy myself something, that I can do that and I do understand that her being a SAHM would be a sacrifice for everyone and its just something that we would have to sit down and really discuss.
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Cherokeekid88 said:
This is what I am afraid of. I know she wants it ultimately. The only reason I don't see it working is, I don't think my wife truly understands the cuts we would have to make in order for it to work. I know she would be good at it, but I fear that a couple months in, she would be tired of not having the freedom to just go shopping or getting her hair/nails done or really having to budget at the grocery store, etc.

I would also want to pay off some debt before it happened, just to make things a little easier financially. Her car is paid off and mine is up next within the next year.

You know and I know our daughter loves going to daycare, she has friends there and she learns to socialize with other kids every day and I also don't know if I want to lose that. Yes, she could get together with other moms and have playdates, but those would probably be few and far between.

We are just sort of brainstorming right now. I think we are both at a point in our lives where we are starting to really think about the future and what we are wanting out of life.
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Others have probly covered this, but I would sit down and discuss the cuts you are talking about. Start now. If you think you need to make all of the cuts, to be able to make it work, then start now and use the money to pay off debt. Plan to easily live off your income online, starting in a month or 2. Use her check to pay down debt, and maybe pay for some of the childcare. While she still works, you can work out the kinks for getting the budget down to where you need it. As you work through that, she will decide if she is ready to make the change. Once your debt is paid down and you have multiple months of staying within budget, the transition will be fairly easy.

I will argue that at the age of 3+ it is good for the child to be in preschool for some period of time. They learn to interact with others, and learn how to be in a classroom setting. Those reasons will help put them ahead when going to school. Also, a part time preschool (not daycare) can save you quite a bit. We are in a different area, but the school my wife runs, the tuition is less than 25% of the number you posted, and is known for being one of the best in the area. They only operate 9-1 though, so it is strictly for parents wanting a preschool, that do not need daycare.

My wife went from working fulltime to staying at home when our first one came. After a few months, she went back to work fulltime for about 6 months, and realized the time wasnt worth it. She worked part time until my youngest came along. At that time she stayed at home with both of them for almost a yr before starting to work a few hours a week. She eventually went back part time (~25hrs/wk). Now that both of mine are in school, she took a promotion and works almost full time, but is able to be there when they leave and get home, and has flexibility to do things with them during school hours as needed.
 
The wife and I had a long conversation over the weekend and the wife still wants to work, I think she just wants to work from home. I think that would hopefully give us the flexibility that we are sort of looking for and it would get my wife out of the field she is currently in (Dentistry). I think the problem now is figuring out what she can do from home that isn't necessarily customer service or call center work. She still wants to work full time so that she gets benefits and all that important stuff.
 
I didn’t read all the replies, but work from home is a good option. Newborns sleep a lot anyway so work can be squeezed in. She’d just need to find a roll where it’s not exactly like an 8 hour shift, but more of a “here is the tasks, complete by X” kinda thing.

I’m currently negotiating with my work about a fully remote position, or changing to a fully remote job altogether.

As for stay at home wife. Just as dude above said, don’t fall for the “I’ll keep the house so much cleaner”
My wife quit work years ago to be home with the kids more. Now she home schools. She swore up and down the laundry would be handled and the house always clean. That lasted about 3 weeks. I’m not complaining, such is life in this stage, just giving you realistic feedback. It’s almost harder to keep the house clean than before.

As for money, you’ll never be ready to have another child. It’s just something you kinda figure out.

I’ll be blunt, you’re on here a bunch for advice and seem to struggle with self happiness. Truly consider if adding another child and financial strain is good for your mental health, can you be the husband/father you need to be carrying this weight? Not trying to deter you, just another side of things to consider.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I almost felt the need to write a disclaimer... that isn't an option... believe me, I tried and presenting the fact that the world needs to see me and would be a better place for having doing so, but sadly, no go! :)
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On a halfway serious note, if she can figure out how to get a halfway interesting channel going on YouTube there's $$ to be made there without having to remove any clothing.
 
77GreenMachine said:
I didn’t read all the replies, but work from home is a good option. Newborns sleep a lot anyway so work can be squeezed in. She’d just need to find a roll where it’s not exactly like an 8 hour shift, but more of a “here is the tasks, complete by X” kinda thing.

I’m currently negotiating with my work about a fully remote position, or changing to a fully remote job altogether.

As for stay at home wife. Just as dude above said, don’t fall for the “I’ll keep the house so much cleaner”
My wife quit work years ago to be home with the kids more. Now she home schools. She swore up and down the laundry would be handled and the house always clean. That lasted about 3 weeks. I’m not complaining, such is life in this stage, just giving you realistic feedback. It’s almost harder to keep the house clean than before.

As for money, you’ll never be ready to have another child. It’s just something you kinda figure out.

I’ll be blunt, you’re on here a bunch for advice and seem to struggle with self happiness. Truly consider if adding another child and financial strain is good for your mental health, can you be the husband/father you need to be carrying this weight? Not trying to deter you, just another side of things to consider.
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Yeah, I am on here alot for advice and stuff mainly because I don't know many of you personally and I know I will get real, honest feedback and this is honestly a good way for me to get things off my chest and help me work through things. Do I want another child? Absolutely. I want my daughter to have a sibling and the wife and I have always said we wanted to have 2 kids if we could. Does the idea of of having another child scare me? Also absolutely. I worry about it financially, I worry about it mentally and physically, but I also felt the same way when my wife found out she was pregnant the first go round. I'm the type of person that tends to let people unload their worries and anxiety on me, while also having my own stuff to deal with and I try to just buck up and keep on truckin. I have realized lately that I need to stop doing that and express my feelings right then and there because I am a master at pushing my anxiety down and keeping it there until it just becomes too much and it all comes out over something stupid. 4-5 months ago, I was dealing with the wife coming home unhappy with her job and then she found this new job only to sorta figure out that it wasn't necessarily where she was but what she deals with on a daily basis, as she is still dealing with the same things, although not nearly as bad at her new job.

So I'm sorry for anyone who gets annoyed with me posting a good amount on here, but its sort of my outlet and helps me mentally a lot of times. So even you guys who are arseholes, in someway, you are helping me and I really do appreciate it! : )
 
RatLabGuy said:
On a halfway serious note, if she can figure out how to get a halfway interesting channel going on YouTube there's $$ to be made there without having to remove any clothing.
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It's so funny you say this because we literally had this conversation Saturday night. We like to watch those videos of people who travel and specifically those who renovate old RV's and travel across the country and even though most of the people are goofy, they can carry on great conversations and not be shy in front of the camera and we had a pretty good laugh about how we think we'd be trying to do something like that. And one of my wife's dreams is to renovate and old RV and travel around, but neither of us think we could actually do it and film it at the same time and be interesting enough for people to want to watch.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
So I'm sorry for anyone who gets annoyed with me posting a good amount on here, but its sort of my outlet and helps me mentally a lot of times. So even you guys who are arseholes, in someway, you are helping me and I really do appreciate it! : )
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Oh that’s not at all what I meant. I certainly hope you don’t think that’s how I feel about you and your posts here. You’re part of the community and I’m always glad to offer advice. I certainly don’t have it all figured out myself.

You mentioned RVs and traveling. My wife is wanting to sell literally everything and work remote and live in a camper for like a year or so while the kids are young. We are actually taking steps to make it happen. It’s super scary but screw it, we’ll figure it out or fail trying. I got lots of time to chase career and financial goals. I don’t have much time or a second chance at making memories with my kids at their age.
 
77GreenMachine said:
Oh that’s not at all what I meant. I certainly hope you don’t think that’s how I feel about you and your posts here. You’re part of the community and I’m always glad to offer advice. I certainly don’t have it all figured out myself.

You mentioned RVs and traveling. My wife is wanting to sell literally everything and work remote and live in a camper for like a year or so while the kids are young. We are actually taking steps to make it happen. It’s super scary but screw it, we’ll figure it out or fail trying. I got lots of time to chase career and financial goals. I don’t have much time or a second chance at making memories with my kids at their age.
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No No. I was just putting that out there. This place is literally an escape for me sometimes, where I can have a problem and come out with a new outlook on it.

The RV things sounds awesome in theory. I am just not good with tight quarters and not being in the same place or being in a different place everyday for long periods of time, although I saw a thing last night where you can actually rent someone's RV and try it out for yourself, which we might do at some point.

My wife has been a dental assistant for the last 12 years and I think she is just getting burned out and is wanting a change and with remote work being so popular, I think she is leaning that way.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
The wife and I had a long conversation over the weekend and the wife still wants to work, I think she just wants to work from home. I think that would hopefully give us the flexibility that we are sort of looking for and it would get my wife out of the field she is currently in (Dentistry). I think the problem now is figuring out what she can do from home that isn't necessarily customer service or call center work. She still wants to work full time so that she gets benefits and all that important stuff.
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Wife’s current job at church is hitting her up to put in more office hours…which absolutely won’t happen. So she’s been looking at 100% WFH options actively. Only question she has is, does she want to do full time from home, or keep at sub-20hrs/wk. Finding admin work is like fishing with dynamite…she found two more that piqued her interest today:

9EA13107-4FC6-4AF9-A4B2-6A821CFDDC5E.jpeg
 
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