Inlaws going through separation.

awheelterd said:
Dang. Sounds like she just needs to die
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Thats what people like that want you to say. It gives them an excuse to blame others for their own decisions.
 
I wonder if there are any early on set dementia issues.

I assumed that was where ckruzer was headed
 
ckruzer said:
has she retired yet? started ssa beneftis?
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Minimum age is 62.
Plus how much you draw is related to your contribution, which sounds like is almost nothing
 
RatLabGuy said:
Minimum age is 62.
Plus how much you draw is related to your contribution, which sounds like is almost nothing
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I couldnt recall
I do know, iirc, that if she 'retires' while married her payment is based off her husbands filings. If she gets divorced, lives off disability, and then goes to 'retire' in a couple years - she is going to find out the hard way her check will be "nothing" because she has worked in the 2yrs prior. And iirc those payments are going to be based on your job in those last few years.

You dont get your personal "account" at SSA. Its a community pot. Your payments today, are being used to make payments to the elderly of today.

But it also works inversely. Many elderly "marry" in their living rooms, but dont get legally married. So their SSI payments are higher as an individual.

Maybe the protocols have changed. But I remember meeting many, in a previous industry/lifetime, elderly people that used their savings to stop work early and then went to go start SSI payments and found out the hard way they were next to nothing - simply because they had not paid into it for the 2yrs prior to applying for SSI payments.
 
mbalbritton said:
Has anyone squared up to the both of them, looked them in the eyes and told them that they are both the problem and to get their shit together and stop fucking up the rest of the families lives?
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This is what I was getting at each time I said they need to find some middle ground. Sit down and figure out something even if its wrong to start with.
 
mbalbritton said:
Has anyone squared up to the both of them, looked them in the eyes and told them that they are both the problem and to get their shit together and stop fucking up the rest of the families lives?
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R Q said:
This is what I was getting at each time I said they need to find some middle ground. Sit down and figure out something even if its wrong to start with.
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you two aparently don't know any stubborn old people.
 
mbalbritton said:
Has anyone squared up to the both of them, looked them in the eyes and told them that they are both the problem and to get their shit together and stop fucking up the rest of the families lives?
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My wife has. She told her dad that he needed to stop drinking and the reason the grandkids and your kids don't come over is because of the alcohol and she cried to him and said "Dad why do you need to drink all the time, why?" his response? "Why do I need air"? She has cussed both of them out in the past and recently because of their behavior. They honestly, don't believe that they are the problem...

They somehow believe they are the victim and everything they do is because of someone else, usually each other.
 
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Cherokeekid88 said:
My wife has. She told her dad that he needed to stop drinking and the reason the grandkids and your kids don't come over is because of the alcohol and she cried to him and said "Dad why do you need to drink all the time, why?" his response? "Why do I need air"? She has cussed both of them out in the past and recently because of their behavior. They honestly, don't believe that they are the problem...

They somehow believe they are the victim and everything they do is because of someone else, usually each other.
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Time to remove both of them from your lives and enjoy the new found happiness. You don't get to choose your parents, but you can sure choose to forget them.
 
YotaOnRocks said:
Time to remove both of them from your lives and enjoy the new found happiness. You don't get to choose your parents, but you can sure choose to forget them.
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This is the really hard part for my wife. I have had alot of fun times with them and they have done alot for us over the years but there has to be a line drawn in the sand now.
 
YotaOnRocks said:
Time to remove both of them from your lives and enjoy the new found happiness. You don't get to choose your parents, but you can sure choose to forget them.
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As hard as it was at first, my life has been so much more peaceful without my dad in it. He said leave and don't come back, and that's exactly what I did. He's never met our youngest boy.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
This is the really hard part for my wife. I have had alot of fun times with them and they have done alot for us over the years but there has to be a line drawn in the sand now.
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I watched my wife's grandmother tear her family apart. She was useless from the first breath she drew, until the last. Died at 70 some years old. Never had a license, job, or the will to do anything for herself. My mother in law felt compelled to take care of her, after her father died, and continued to do so until she died. She realized after her death, just how much stress and misery, her mother truly caused.
 
JSJJ388 said:
As hard as it was at first, my life has been so much more peaceful without my dad in it. He said leave and don't come back, and that's exactly what I did. He's never met our youngest boy.
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I hate to hear that man, because even though your life might be better without him, I know it has to hurt to not have him in your youngest son's life. My BIL's biggest gripe with the whole situation is that his kids don't have grandparents that support them in anything. No sleepovers, no memories, nothing. It even holds true with our own daughter... they never come to her soccer games, never come to birthday parties... yet they sit back and complain that no one comes and sees them and when we ask if they want to come, there is some excuse, yet my FIL will tell my wife that he had a hankering for smithfields BBQ and will drive 30 min to go get it...but can't drive 15 min to come see his wife, son, DIL, and grandkids, when she was living with them.

All my wife has ever wanted was a "normal" family. She's never wanted money or help, just togetherness. For them to come pick up our daughter from school one day and surprise her or show up for one of her soccer games or just anything really. My BIL said something recently that really hit me. He said " for the last 5 years or more, I've been living like they are already gone"
 
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The fact is, you can't change someone else's priorities. If they don't make any effort towards something (or actively make up excuses when it's offered), you can't continue to try to push that rope if you want to maintain peace and sanity for yourself and in your own household.
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I hate to hear that man, because even though your life might be better without him, I know it has to hurt to not have him in your youngest son's life. My BIL's biggest gripe with the whole situation is that his kids don't have grandparents that support them in anything. No sleepovers, no memories, nothing. It even holds true with our own daughter... they never come to her soccer games, never come to birthday parties... yet they sit back and complain that no one comes and sees them and when we ask if they want to come, there is some excuse, yet my FIL will tell my wife that he had a hankering for smithfields BBQ and will drive 30 min to go get it...but can't drive 15 min to come see his wife, son, DIL, and grandkids, when she was living with them.

All my wife has ever wanted was a "normal" family. She's never wanted money or help, just togetherness. For them to come pick up our daughter from school one day and surprise her or show up for one of her soccer games or just anything really. My BIL said something recently that really hit me. He said " for the last 5 years or more, I've been living like they are already gone"
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This hits home right here.

You know, my mom can be a little overbearing when it comes to my kids extra curricular activities. So, we complain about it all the time. I'm thankful to have parents, and a mother in law that want to be involved in their grandkids life.
 
trailhugger said:
The fact is, you can't change someone else's priorities. If they don't make any effort towards something (or actively make up excuses when it's offered), you can't continue to try to push that rope if you want to maintain peace and sanity for yourself and in your own household.
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(x1000)
 
Cherokeekid88 said:
I hate to hear that man, because even though your life might be better without him, I know it has to hurt to not have him in your youngest son's life. My BIL's biggest gripe with the whole situation is that his kids don't have grandparents that support them in anything. No sleepovers, no memories, nothing. It even holds true with our own daughter... they never come to her soccer games, never come to birthday parties... yet they sit back and complain that no one comes and sees them and when we ask if they want to come, there is some excuse, yet my FIL will tell my wife that he had a hankering for smithfields BBQ and will drive 30 min to go get it...but can't drive 15 min to come see his wife, son, DIL, and grandkids, when she was living with them.

All my wife has ever wanted was a "normal" family. She's never wanted money or help, just togetherness. For them to come pick up our daughter from school one day and surprise her or show up for one of her soccer games or just anything really. My BIL said something recently that really hit me. He said " for the last 5 years or more, I've been living like they are already gone"
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Man - I feel for you guys and it hits close to home.
My sister and I talk all the time and just wish our kids had a normal existence. Normal grandparents. Normalcy. Something we never had due to our family's different but similar dysfunction. My sister is a brilliant, successful, amazing woman - what she and I came to settle on a few years ago - we can't force our parents to change no matter how much we wish we could. All we can do is accept our reality and change the cycle. To learn from the failures of our parents and be the grand parents to our eventual grandchildren that we wish our kids have. Fretting over the failures of others wont change them - so we resolved to let it shape us and our actions.
 
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