JOTD

trailhugger

trailhugger

Human Resources
Administrator
Joined
Mar 19, 2005
Location
Raleigh
Except this is only half joke. :lol:

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids:

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Disney, etc. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
 
Thank god for women like you.................and my mother :lol: I can somehow still vaugely remember her chasing me around the house after all these years, trying to stop me from pooping a fresh diaper.........................unsucessfully! I also snuck out and walked a mile to the 7-11, in light rain, at age 4, to sit on the floor and eat all the candy I could reach until a nice policeman came and brought me home to my obviously very embarrased and upset mother. My younger brother was possibly worse than I, though I did try to help her with his shenanigans........ Dad's are cool, but mom's are the BEST!!!
 
The mess isn't quite as bad as the 'joke' implies... you just have to keep things out of reach as best you can. :lol: It gets harder to do once they figure out how to climb and how to use a stool. :eek:

Mulishajoe said:
And people ask why I don't have kids. ..lol
Click to expand...

Never ask people that question, none of my business! If people ask me what it is like, I say something like this:

frankenyoter said:
Have a child is simultaneously the most challenging and rewarding event ever.
Click to expand...

and add that I generally think smart, nice, hard-working people should have kids, because they will raise them to be smart, nice, and hard-working, but it is a personal decision and not up to me.

My kids make me laugh every day and, although this may sound corny, they make me want to be a better person.
 
I was literally laughing out loud at this; mainly because it is so true! :D
 
shawn said:
That's really the giveaway -- when you see her walking through the house carrying a stool.
Click to expand...
Now what do you mean by "carrying a stool"?
 
I was gonna post this in "random pics" but I'll put this here, " young Picasso? " hope you get a chuckle Trailhugger :D

son-fail-mess-up-tv.jpg
 
jeepinmatt said:
Now what do you mean by "carrying a stool"?
Click to expand...

well in my house - either way you want to interpret that... it's true.o_O

Delaney (2.5) has this little plastic stool that makes her just tall enough to reach most things on the counter tops.
We gave it to her so she could wash her hands over the sink in the bathroom... but withi na day she realized it was the perfect tool for reaching all the really fun things on the kitchen counter too.

Luckily - kitchen counters tend to be taller than bathrooms.

and yes if you look around our house, what you see is that the majority of small objects are > 3-4' above the floor...
 
Idk about use condoms as much as use a belt. If my daughter did that she would get a spanking right there while everyone stared.

Sent from my zombie assult vechicle using a ham radio
 
I am so happy and thankful to say 90% of that did not apply to my kids.. now I will probably be worse off as they get older, teenagers etc.. but all that messy stuff.. Nope.. not me..
 
Sometimes I feel like our first is more like a lot of people's third kid... the one into everything and climbing everything. :lol: My youngest brother was the one for whom my parents had to put chains and slide locks on the doors to keep him contained. I love her energy and curiosity, and she's SO smart (I'm sure I'm biased) it is insane, but the village will end up raising her because she'll be out the door and in the neighbor's kitchen, helping them make dinner, before we know what happened. :lol:
 
Both of mine slept through the night by 3 days.
Never really did the crazy messy stuff and have always been rather mature for their age.
High school is going to suck for us.
 
.... being a stay at home dad has given me a WHOLE new found respect for full time moms, and has also made me a better dad! Luckily our 8 mo old boy doesn't do most of that (yet), he's been sleeping in his own room since 4 mo and through the night (mostly) since then. Hopefully these good traits will hold up throughout his toddler years. I also consider it a blessing that I am able to raise him instead of placing him in daycare. I know not all have this option...
 
man my little girl is a riot, not into the messy stuff but, like trailhugger said her curiousity is amazing, and she is so smart, @ 5 she can beat me and her mom on the memory game, but that can be an issue at times.... cranking cars, digital safe codes, and never make her a promise you don't intend to keep:D

scared to death!!!!!
 
trailhugger said:
and add that I generally think smart, nice, hard-working people should have kids, because they will raise them to be smart, nice, and hard-working.
Click to expand...

The problem is too many smart people are busy working, while welfare moms are busy breeding.
 
Infamous1 said:
man my little girl is a riot, not into the messy stuff but, like trailhugger said her curiousity is amazing, and she is so smart, @ 5 she can beat me and her mom on the memory game, but that can be an issue at times.... cranking cars, digital safe codes, and never make her a promise you don't intend to keep:D

scared to death!!!!!
Click to expand...

In 5 more years she'll probly be driving your buggy..............better than dad does :lol:
 
GubNi said:
The problem is too many smart people are busy working, while welfare moms are busy breeding.
Click to expand...

That's what I find scary...I like to think my girl and I are pretty good contributors and productive members of society. We've been together for 8.5 years and aren't married. We wanted to straighten out our finances, get a good foundation and not be tied down after college so we could go have fun anywhere we wanted. That being said, we're both 27 years old, just now looking to buy a house together, probably another year or two away from being married and probably a year or two after that start having kids...so we'll be 32-33 years old when we have our first (if all goes to plan). All that said, I knew welfare moms in high school, that already had 2 kids by their junior year and I know people I went to high school with that 5 kids now. If you believe in products of environment, accountable and responsible adults are a dying breed and are being exponentially outgrown.
 
UTfball68 said:
That's what I find scary...I like to think my girl and I are pretty good contributors and productive members of society. We've been together for 8.5 years and aren't married. We wanted to straighten out our finances, get a good foundation and not be tied down after college so we could go have fun anywhere we wanted. That being said, we're both 27 years old, just now looking to buy a house together, probably another year or two away from being married and probably a year or two after that start having kids...so we'll be 32-33 years old when we have our first (if all goes to plan). All that said, I knew welfare moms in high school, that already had 2 kids by their junior year and I know people I went to high school with that 5 kids now. If you believe in products of environment, accountable and responsible adults are a dying breed and are being exponentially outgrown.
Click to expand...
This is why I tell my wife that we should have 12 kids. Then she rolls her eyes at me.
 
Back
Top