Let's try this again. Jotd..

Jeff B

Jeff B

Thanos was right
Joined
Dec 23, 2006
Location
Lincolnton N.C.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damn if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door fucking shot himself!"
 
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have something to tell you... I'm gay".

His mother made no reply or gave any response. Silence. Just as the man was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?" The man said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right".

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
 
image.jpg
 
So the teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand eagerly wanting to share. Having been burned before by Little johnnys comments, the teacher skips him and calls on Mary.

Mary says: my parents took me to the zoo, and I was fascinated with all the animals there.

The teacher replied, you used fascinated, that's not the tense of word I asked for.

Again skipping Johnny, the teacher called on billy.

Billy quickly replied, last year on the field trip, we went to the beach, and all the sights were fascinating.

Again the teacher says that the wrong form of the word was used.

Johnny can't take it, he's waving his arms and nearly falling out of his chair, wanting to answer correctly.

So finally she calls on Johnny to answer.

Little Johnny says " my aunt came over and she was wearing a sweater with ten buttons. She has huge tits, so she could only fasten-8 of the buttons.
 
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break-fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'."
 
This is a classic!!!

A young female teacher walks into her class room!

When all the pupils were comfortably sitting, the young female English teacher said I’d like to know if any pupil here can use the word contagious in a full sentence!

Immediately lickle Johnny through his arm up, bellowing! Miss, Miss I can”

OK said the young teacher “OK Johnny lets have your sentence with the word contagious!”

Johnny stood up and said!”Well my dad took me to the zoo this weekend, and when we arrived at the gorilla cage it was empty, and there was a man painting all the big bar’s with a real lickle brush, my dad said, if he is going to paint all those bar’s with such a lickle brush, well it’s going to take that cunt ages”!
 
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few
minutes.
Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However",he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you
to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree,
and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes
to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The
priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?"
She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven
for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy
water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle
quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father,
for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says,
"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,
and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven
for half a minute, then says,"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out.

By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,
"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at
heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go
and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor,
laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..
 
A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.
 
1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, its all tongue and groove...
2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say its definitely race related...
3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...
4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was raped, by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
 
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Ipad & Iphone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf..?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that..?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a f*****’ thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my frickin’ Dog..!
 
I was sitting at a stop light the other day when a car full of bearded Muslims pulled up next to me. They were yelling "allahu akbar" and talking trash about America. Seconds later an 18wheeler fails to stop at the light and plows into the Muslims car. All the occupants died.

I thought about what had happened for the rest of the day.

Told my self, that could have been me.




So the next day I went out and took my class A test and applied at a few trucking companies.
 
THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
>
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
>
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
>
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
>
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
>
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
>
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
>
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
> son-in-law.'
 
Monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them.
Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.
The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.
Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off .
 
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues.
“Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off! You’re going to break something.” He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet, where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge — diarrhea. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, all over.
“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.
He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!”
 
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate, private, OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Talking to all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150."

"Being caught a third time will cost you $500. Are there any questions?"

A well traveled, crusty Marine Gunnery Sergeant, from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
 
This would be funny, if it weren't so true.

Subject: Journalism
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life. The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump". The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH

………And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!
 
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't recognise you."
 
A man was standing at a urinal relieving himself when a friend of his walked in. They both chatted for a few minutes about big plans for the weekend. When the first man finished he walked over to the sink, washed his hand and proceeded out the door. As he was walking out the door he looked back and said, "You have a good one". Without hesitation his friend answered back, "Thanks. I didn't think you noticed".

*this is best to be played out IRL with coworkers and strangers.
 
Back
Top