Let's try this again. Jotd..

An Irishman is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walk in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman...

The first man says, "Watch this."
He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that."
So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"
The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

So the Englishman, frustrated, goes and sits down with his friends when the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!"
So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your feckin friends were saying."
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

The man immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
 
Why do leprechauns and @Dylan W. laugh when they run?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The grass is tickling their balls. :D
 
A guy comes home from work, his wife is waiting with his tea on the table, she says; 'would you mind looking at the cabinate door, it seems loose' 'what do i look like a fucking joiner?' next day he comes home to a lovely clean house again his tea is on the table, wife says; 'after your tea would you mind having a look at the tap, its leaking?' 'what do i look like a fucking plumber?' next day he comes home, all the washing and ironing done and she asks; 'would you mind looking at the socket, it is hanging off the wall!?' 'what do I look like a fucking electrician?' well the next day the hardworking gentleman returns home after some hard graft and all the jobs his loving wife asked him to do where sorted, he asked; 'what happened?' 'well the new neighbour came round and said he would do the work if I baked him a cake or gave him a blowjob' 'which did you do?' 'do i look like a fucking baker?'
 
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger..."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there was a lot of commotion in the line of girls,,, one girl is desperately pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the
rush?"
Lisa replies, "Well, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her arse in it!"
 
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS...
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
"OK smartie, you get up here and do it"...
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"a jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
1f642.png
:)
 
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."
 
NURSING HOME SEX
Bob is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.
Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to
sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Bob turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss
most of all?" She asks, "What?''
"Sex" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a
gun to your head!"
"I know," Bob says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for
a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly
each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would
hold Bob's thingie.
Then one night Bob didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by
the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Bob's little
Pal.
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?"
Old Bob smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
 
A man walks into the Ann Summers shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £100 in price - the more see-through the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £100 and takes the lingerie home.He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
While upstairs his wife thinks, I have an idea. This lingerie is so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £100 refund and keep the money for myself. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband exclaims "fucking hell! - it wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is this Thursday.
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
An Irish farmer marries late in life, But after a month or more the Marriage is still not consummated.
So he calls to his doctor, who is also his best friend.
And tells him, Everything is working perfect but not when its suited.
The Farmer says I could be out on the farm and next I'd get a horn, I'd race into the house and by time I got there it was gone.
So the Doctor asks him if he had a shotgun, He replied he had, But what good would that do.
The doctor told him to bring the shotgun with him where ever he goes,and to explain to the wife that whenever she heard the shot to come running to where ever she heard the shot.
Jaysus that's a brilliant idea says the farmer.
A few days days later the farmer is out on the farm when the urge comes upon him.
So he gets the shotgun and fires a shot towards his house.
He sees the wife running towards him stripping every stitch of clothes of her, they meet in the middle of the field and make mad passionate love.

The doctor is driving past the farmers house and sees the farmer leaning over his gate looking up and down the road.
the doctor asks him how his idea worked.
The Farmer said It worked great for the first month,
then the shooting season started, I haven't seen her since
 
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a Huge, Hairy, Sweaty Armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ’Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same Hairy Sweaty, Armpit, and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ’Give the ballerina another drink..!’
The bartender approached the little drunk and said ’Tell me, George, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina..?’
The drunk replied, ’Any woman who can lift her leg that frickin' high has got to be a Ballerina..!
 
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
 
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand,
he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother
that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer,
the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter,
the boy returns and promptly tells his mother
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach
and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
 
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke...
1f642.png
:)..
1f642.png
:)
 
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded... "God... that must of hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT! He broke three of my feeckin fingers."
 
A building contractor hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES"
 
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Hand Lotion, too!"
 
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. Thehusband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
... ...
So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
...
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead?Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
 
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note
for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to
clarify her request.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note
to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub
with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my nipples"
 
Back
Top