Let's try this again. Jotd..

Jeff B said:
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. Thehusband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
... ...
So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
...
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead?Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"
Click to expand...
My wife hehawed at this.
 
A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"
 
Dolly Parton and the Queen end up at the Pearly Gates on the same day. They are both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen merely walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, Your Majesty, you may enter Heaven' Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about..?
I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she was admitted to Heaven..!
Would you explain that to me..?'
"Sorry, Dolly", said the Angel, 'but even here in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'..................................................................................................................
 
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Nick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Nick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Nick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Nick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Biker Bob's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Nick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Nick sat up and watched me all night."
 
My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nien, nien nien!"
My best score yet.!!
 
The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
... The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
... The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey’s died.”
Paddy replied, “Well then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.”
Paddy said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What are you going to do with him?”
Paddy said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle a dead donkey!”
Paddy said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s
dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, “What happened
with that dead donkey?”
Paddy said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made
a profit of £898”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Paddy said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.” :D
 
Committing Suicide
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid £6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid £3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
 
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take off her skirt, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
 
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -

Sinko De Mayo.
:D
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
 
In Florida, a man asked a supermarket clerk for a half a head of lettuce. The young produce assistant told him that the store sold only whole heads of lettuce. The persistent customer asked to see the manager, and the boy said he'd ask about it.
In the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his statement, the young clerk turned to see the customer just behind him and with no hesitation quickly added, “…and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”
After the manager approved the deal, the customer went happily on his way. The manager then said to the boy, “I was quite impressed by the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people here who can think on their feet. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.
The boy replied, “Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife’s from Canada.”
“No kidding?!” replied the boy, “Who'd she play for?”
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here, and I bet you didn’t even notice!”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts—although still silent—stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing…”
 
A young guy from Toronto moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Toronto." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Toronto but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind a bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
 
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes.
Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes.
Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony.
The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she has never been with anyone before."
Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."
Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
 
"Theresa May dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years ....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste... kind of like Middlesborough. She’s horrified to see all her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar...drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us.""
 
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your w!lly was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new w!lly that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
"I have" says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new fuckin kitchen.”
 
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here?
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? "
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in owner's couch."
" So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see" Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?”
The Great Dane said, “ No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
 
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
 
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
 
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wit’s end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,,,,, “Are you sure this is where he fell in...
 
A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" " Not exactly answered the doctor......... "She's a flute player in the Birmingham Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye"
 
I got married last week my fiancée and I were both virgins, and the night before our wedding my fiancée came up to me and said

" I have to admit something.... My boobs are not really this big, I have been stuffing my bra the whole time!" I responded "it is Ok, I am not marrying you for your boobs!" "I have something to admit as well.... I am hung like a baby!"

she also said "it is OK, I am not marrying you for the size of your penis!"

So on our wedding night, after everyone had left we went to out hotel room. I was sitting on the bed and she told me to wait there. She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, she came out naked. I immediately told her "your boobs are beautiful and I would not change a thing!"

I started to get undressed and got to my underwear, I took them off, and she fainted. I ran over to her to check on her. When she came to she looked at me and said "I thought you were hung like a baby"

"I am 7 pounds 6 ounces 19 and a half inches"
 
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