Let's try this again. Jotd..

^^^bawhahahhaaa!!!
 
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
 
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his p*nis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your p*nis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his p*nis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my p*nis..!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!”

“Oh, thank God..!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Fall off by itself..!”
 
I asked my North Korean penpal if he liked living there.
He said
"I can't complain"
 
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sxxx out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
 
Paddy and Mick drove into a country garage for a fuel.
A promotional sign said------
FREE SEX WITH EVERY FILL UP..
Paddy filled the tank, and Inquired about the FREE SEX.
" Think of a number between one and ten " said the garage owner.
" FOUR " said Paddy.
" Aw jaysus, you were so close, it's THREE. Better luck next time " said the owner.
The following week, Paddy and Mick filled up again. Paddy said,
" You pick the number this week Mick "
Mick said to the garage owner, " SIX "
The owner said, " Jaysus boys, you have no luck, it's NINE this week "
They drove off and Paddy said to Mick " I think that's a scam Mick, I don't think you can win. "
Mick said, " Oh it's no scam Paddy. My missus won two weeks in a row.
 
Wife comes home early find her husband in bed with a
strange woman. She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never
coming back."

He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my
explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This
had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see

this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy &
crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like
to get cleaned up.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She
took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit
you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought
you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike
running shoes you bought & wore only once.

I gave her some of the roast beef in the fridge, that
you never used. Then I showed her to the door. She was
so grateful, for all these things, she thanked me
profusely and as she was about to leave she turned
around and asked
me . . . . .

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
 
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, Shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know what my colleagues do, but I use the spoon."
 
This has been around a while.



> THE NIGHTMARE
> In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!
>
> Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!
>
> That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!
>
> I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled! ' It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend.
>
> Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God .... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo ...I'm bald!!!
>
> The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of Poop... Any job!'
>
> Mom? Dad? Nooooo .... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
>
> I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.
>
> Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker...Pacemaker?? Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict,
HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
>
> At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, Sweetie pie, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obmama?
>
> Say it isn't so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please......
>
> Oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat!!!
 
Pearly Gates
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied
 
Mental Hospital Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied; "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one £5,000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the £5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5,000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
 
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damned things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat."
 
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner.

It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great TIME for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my ta-tas!
 
The Englishmans wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', he demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's a £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
‘Hoots mon, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 
HOW DID THE 7 DWARVES GET THEIR NAMES?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck,
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
My fanny needs a lick!
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said -You'd better drop your pick.

So down he went onto all fours,
And said -I ain't licking that-,
Not there, that is my arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!-

The next dwarf started blushing,
Do we have to do it here?-
Snow White said -Don't be BASHFUL,
Unless you're a fucking queer-

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big -Heigh-Ho-.
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling.
Cos he hadn't had a sniff,
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

Relax- you GRUMPY bastard-,
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fuckin load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
You're next, I want your knob!-
But no sooner had he entered her,
he was sleeping on the job.

Wake up you SLEEPY bastard-
She wanted more from him.
he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw,
A dazed Snow White then whimpered.
That should be against the law.-

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick-

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said -You'll have to use your tongue,
My twat can't take no more!-

So he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their cocks,
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
 
Two young guys
appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge
says, "You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jailtime.

I want you to
go out this weekend and try to
convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see
you back
Monday."

On Monday,the
judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the
weekend?"


"Well, your
honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
forever."


"Seventeen people?
That's wonderful. How did you do it?"


"I used a
diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

Oo.

Then I told
them that the big circle is your brain before drugs
and the small circle is your brain after drugs."



"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second
guy.

"And how did
you do?"



"Well, your
honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
forever."



"Wow!" says
the judge. "156 people!
How did you
manage to do that?"


"Well, I used
a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two
circles like this: oO.

Then I pointed
to the little circle and said,

'This is your
asshole before prison..."
 
"Dad, What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt ?" my young son asked me
"Look at this," I said, as I lifted the sheets on my naked sleeping wife, "That's a pussy son!"
"It's just wonderful dad, can I touch it?" he said
"NO!! lad," I said, "If you touch the pussy, you'll wake the cunt up!"
 
UNDERSTANDING POLITICS

A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, what is politics?"

His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me the Treasury.
Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now!"

The father says, "That's great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies:
"Well, while the Treasury is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep
the People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep s**t."
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
 
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.'
 
Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says" I have an 8inch dick and can shag all night." After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says "You said you had and 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes!" Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was a fucking estimate!!!"..
 
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